Trailer Reviews

Trailer Reviews: Move

2007-02-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

Trailer Reviews has moved and the writers now reside on The Mild Bunch. Check it out.

Fred Clause

2007-01-14T11:11:00.000-05:00

"I'm playing Santa; drunk, fat, chain-smoking Santa!"

View trailer.

In spite of all the crazy football games this weekend, I have given myself five to ten minutes to write a trailer review for Paul Giamatti's new movie Fred Claus which quickly comes out in about 360 days. Why advertise now? I don't know. My wager is that it was supposed to come out a few weeks ago, but something got fucked up and now Vince Vaughn and Giamatti have to wait a year to promote this truly shit idea. Why don't these guys get choosey? What is the deal with the Lady in the Water, The Break-Up, or Mr. and Mrs. Smith? These movies make me want to take my penis out, put it in an open drawer and slam that drawer shut. Add Fred Claus to the list. Penis hurts.

A fat guy and a drunk guy on the couch? You're Santa's brother? How have you lived forever like Santa, Vince? I mean, he's not 37-years-old like you. Add to my hell capping the trailer off with the last punchline: a wet willy. I mean, seriously. Also, when did Santa and his family go Jewish? These trailer is horrific and I really don't know why they have to re-make Wedding Crashers with Jewish Santas. I will probably see this, but unintentionally. Meaning: I will go out on a drinking-binge the night this movie comes out. I will sit in a seedy, Bukowski-ish bar somewhere in Upstate New York drinking martinis and beers and blood until I black out. I will wake up either hours or days later to the sound of Vince Vaughn. Some douche bag will have left me in some AMC Theater in Malta and I will have to watch this goddamn movie. Why, Vince Vaughn, oh why can't I wake up hungover with you in a serious drama? Or how about a sex scene with you, Anne Hathaway and Ron Howard?! Give it to me, Vince, cause otherwise this is the same shit movie you've made for the last 7 years. Shape up! Do Anne Hathaway.

Children of Men - Reviewed

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-05:00

Everyone is choking themselves on their popcorn for Children of Men. One person I saw the movie with literally shot himself in the head. It's just that good. The Village Voice's J. Hoberman, the rum-drinking lush, lauded one of the movie's gripping scenes, "The year's most brilliantly choreographed action sequence," and The Guardian called the film, "A brilliant vision of a dystopian future Britain." It's odd, because I almost always disagree with critics about films - it's a spite thing. A few years back, my father told me when we walked into The Sixth Sense that it was going to suck, and dammit, he was right. His prescience is phenomenal, even for a blind man with no dog. He ruined the whole thing. But, alas, in the case of COM, the critics are absolutely right, it's fucking fun.

Set twenty years from now in London (Orwell's London), Children of Men opens with the world on the brink of total - "it's okay to rob that old wanker" - apocalypse. Society is sliding into anarchy, the only people who keep order actually inflict horrific disorder (sorta like our army). It's like looking into a modern-day, fascist Nazi situation. Images are eerily reminiscent of Abu Ghraib, and, cleverly, like the graphic novel "V for Vendetta." Theo, played by Clive Owen dressed in a pig costume, is kidnapped by members of a "terrorist group" called "The Fishes," headed by Julianne Moore. I find issue here only that a woman could never lead a terrorist group (they're inferior), especially in a world where it's their fault they can't have babies. It has nothing to do with men. Men, of course, still rock-the-mic raw. However, Moore is Owen's estranged wife, and she asks him to lead Kee (the name inference is not lost on the most retarded of female viewers) to "The Human Project." Thus, Cuaron's awesome chase begins with all sorts of weird events, improbable but welcome twists, and, of course, a Bear is slaughetered for no reason whatsoever. Pure, trademark Cuaron.

Where I love this movie is where I actually disagree with the wonderful writers at Pajiba. "Perhaps the most compelling aspect of the film is Cuaron's somewhat hopeful outlook," they write. However, this is simply not true. I'll not spoil the ending here, but watch carefully in the last few shots. I think you'll find that there may be hope, but darkness and despair overpower this chilling view of a world that isn't just a fiction. For various reasons, it's very fathomable. Worse even, it's filmed and set in England - perhaps one of the least aesthetic people on the planet. Even their bosomy beauties are not as attractive as the little, pock-marked street urchins sucking on the meth pipes and sniffing paper-bag-hidden Elmers in Nebraska's weirdest rural suburbs. Yes, dear readers, a great, fun movie that leaves itself open to interpretation, but, moreso, gives you a thrill for a mere $12 dollars.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

2007-01-11T18:09:00.000-05:00

So…I like this teaser a lot.

Shut up.

That’s right. I don’t care what you say. The Silver Surfer is the herald of Galactus, the Planet-Eater.Yeah, you read it right: Planets. How cool is that?

Additionally, this trailer very accurately recreates the chase between the Human Torch and the Silver Surfer from The Fantastic Four #48. I appreciate that.

Seriously, shut up.

For all you naysayers, I will offer this gem borrowed from a fellow blog: “Keep in mind while watching it, if he weren't silver, he'd just be a bald, naked, surfing man.”

Are We Done Yet?

2007-01-07T20:03:00.000-05:00

This movie with Arsenio Hall and Janet Jackson looks like shit.

View the trailer here.

Eric Roberts and Mert's Favorites 2006

2006-12-31T09:25:00.001-05:00

Shennanigans for 2006 commence...It’s obvious I love the trailer for 300. I have talked about it at length with the other two splendid writers of this blog; I’ve even misquoted it in my excitement to AD, and he looked at my crazy eyes and refused to contradict me knowing full well that I would rip his fucking arms off and beat his wife with them. Simply: it’s the ultimate trailer. It meets all my superficial requirements.

Visually stunning? Check.
Totally insane? Check. “Spartans, tonight, we dine in Hell!”
Deformed chicks making out? Yup. Have you seen Anne Hathaway in Havoc, sorta the same thing. Except she is made from God, these ladies, God's retarded cousin, Chet.

Most of all, it’s a young boy’s wet dream. As if all the bizarre worlds of your imagination could come to life in one trailer. None of it makes sense, the graphic novel is taken to new, ridiculous levels, but I want it. I want it all, like George Jetson doing Scooby Doo while The Fonze watches. Additionally, it embodies overdone drama – to an hilarious extent – and we should welcome it. In fact, I talk like that at work. “Matt, get me a new draft of that report.” “Sire, sire, if you want one report, you shall meet your demise!” And then I kick him in the chest, into an endless well, only to turn around and see Casey from IT dancing like some erotic, silk-ridden ghost. I have talked too much about this trailer, I just want to see the movie, naked, with my Saddam Hussein t-shirt draped around my balls.

The second trailer of the year – of 2006 – for me is Flannel Pajamas. It’s an arthouse picture, sure, (Grab your berets, cigarettes and theories of Bluto’s existentialist funk) but the ad is perfectly enticing. More perfect, however, is the lack of dialogue. It’s just the smooth, catchy Asobi Seksu song “Thursday” playing over the familiar scenes we all know, and many we all try to forget.

Add to that the star, for me, of Angels in America Justin Kirk, one of the most underrated and underused actors on the bloated, "look at me, I'm from Julliard" scene. The trailer is perfect for what it is: a hipster-fueled romantic dramedy with an awesome soundtrack. The only thing that drags this one down for me is that Kirk is clearly, without-a-doubt, a flaming homosexual. What I love about it is that it is an uncut view of a relationship, from Day 1 to moving in, to great apartments to total dumps to the fights and everything thereafter. You seldom see that – only a great director can depict snipets of a life together that truly captures it, I think Jeff Lipsky has done that.

My last trailer is surely not a suprise: The Fountain. One, it was a fantastic movie. Sure, Hugh Jackman floats in the lotus position in outer space, but haven't we all, in some way or another, been Hugh Jackman floating in outer space? I've written about this too much, it's just damn good and beautiful to witness. Enjoy the trailer, enjoy life - because someday, you too, might get hit by a meteor thrown by Zeus, like Weisz does in this film. Just kidding: horrific brain tumor. What I love about Aronofsky is that he typically (always) shows a male lead misunderstood by the world, struggling through hardship for a percieved "better" end. Isn't that what we all want, as we enter 2007, something better? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth blogging for? Indeed. Indeed.

Also, 2006's worst trailers: Eragon. Lucky You, starring Eric "I rape my wife in crappy Munich" Bana. And Rocky Balboa. Add Rocky Balboa to the Live Free or Die Harder trailer. You guys own Planet Hollywood, end it there.

Personal Winners of 2006/2005: District B-13, Brick, The Fountain, Little Children and The Last Southpark Episode of the year (very offensive, very awful). Oh, and Band of Brothers, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Seth Rogen and Jason Segal and How I Met Your Mother. Also, Santa Clause "Trapped in the Claus-et."

The I'm Right Awards - Spiffae Edition

2006-12-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

For the next three posts, AD, Mert, and I will be picking some trailers from the past year (the glorious 2006) and talking about them at length, with footnotes and rich formatting (bold, italic, etc.). This is not necessarily the best trailers, but these are a few trailers that caught our attention for whatever reason, and that now, on the verge of awesome 2007, have remained in mind.

In the style of the late Penny-Arcade "We're Right Awards" - I present to you a number of categories that I will make up on the spot, and some trailers that fit in those.

The "I Saw More Than Enough Of This Movie In The Trailer, But Said Trailer Was Quite Excellent" Award

Sometimes trailers are great, and after watching the trailer you just have no desire at all to see the movie. In the case of most movies it's because they gave away what seem to be the best parts, but every now and then a few movies show you just enough in the trailer that you feel like you've seen the movie - and then the desire to see the movie leaves you. I guess that's not really just enough, is it? That's more like way, way too much. Either way I enjoy those trailers and never see the movie, and if my reaction is not unique, maybe some douche bag trailer maker gets fired.

This year the movie most gulty of this is Babel. Babel advertises a movie that is going to be hard to watch, and they seem to have filtered down each story into its base (miserable) components. I have no desire to see the movie, because I feel like I've seen each part. Brad has a breakdown when Kate dies, or nearly dies. The Japanese girl has a miserable time in Tokyo (how is that possible? I can't imagine.) The kids get stopped at the border, the husband gets thrown into some immigrations interrogation where people are really mean, and then some poor Moroccan kid is probably beaten, and his father is probably killed in front of him. I like that trailer, but I don't need much more. Life is misery, people get screwed over, two minutes and thirty seconds later - check please.

Winner: Babel
Runners up: Drawing Restraint 9, Art School Confidential

The "This Trailer Is So Damn Good It Gives Me Goosebumps" Award

A good trailer gives me goosebumps. The first time I ever remember this happening was with the trailer for The Matrix, but it happened much more memorably for the unbelievable Two Towers trailer (which is astonishingly difficult to locate online!). This year was a good one for chills-inducing trailers, and so picking the best one is difficult. There are your fantasy and sci-fi epics, basically anything with big CG shots, slow motion, and good music. There are a few big dramas that will probably be good, and there is one dark horse that came out of nowhere.

The winner is not a sure-fire goosebumper - in fact, it might not provoke the reaction in you at all - but out of all of them, maybe out of all the trailers this year, this one is the best. This is a great piece of short filmmaking that just happens to be advertising a movie. This is something that I bet the trailer maker felt pretty damn good about after it was made, and I bet that doesn't happen very often. We never talked about it on this blog, and I don't think we really have to. All you have to do is watch it.

Winner: Little Children
Runners Up: Pan's Labyrinth, V for Vendetta, The Namesake, Jarhead (Teaser Trailer)

The "I Like This Trailer (And Movie) Too Much To Talk About It So I Should Probably Mention Here That This Is My Top Trailer This Year In The Title Because I Am Not Going To Write Anything Else Down Below, Just A Link To The Trailer" Award.

Winner: Children Of Men

Blood and Chocolate

2006-12-28T21:42:00.000-05:00

This is one of the worst trailers I have ever seen. It has ugly actors saying stupid things and terrible special effects. It is wretched. It is vile. It is so bad that I am at a loss for a simile. “It is as bad as…” that is as far as I can get. Which means that this is the worst thing in the history of history.

And of course, it is for a film about my favorite mythological creature.

What is it about werewolves that does it for me? Who knows? But I will tell you that in my younger and more impressionable years I devoured anything about werewolves. Books, movies, comics, any and all of it. I still love Fright Night and Silver Bullet. I mean jesus, I watched the entire series of She-Wolf Of London multiple times!! If that doesn’t mean anything to you, consider yourself spared from one of the dumbest television shows EVAR.

Now I am older and wiser but there is a childish part of me still hopes for a really well-done werewolf movie. This is not it. That is clear from the first 30 seconds of the trailer. But what really does it for me is the transformation.

(Small gear switch) For all of its flaws, An American Werewolf in London has one of the most amazing special effects sequences ever filmed. Watching the transformation undergone by David Naughton remains one of the most graphic, gut wrenching, and horrifying memories from my childhood. And it was done with prosthetic masks, animatronic limbs, and about nine million strands of fake hair. And it looks real. (Here, you can watch it on youtube)

Nowadays, we have multi-million dollar budgets and special effects that look better than most of the actors. We have the ability to do literally anything on screen, and what does Blood and Chocolate give us for a transformation? A bunch of bare-chested lacrosse players doing flips in the woods.

Seriously weak.

Factory Girl

2006-12-22T15:16:00.000-05:00

Lord Vader sings anti-war songs for five decades, yeah, like that's possible through his helmet.

View the trailer here.

To know anything about Edie Sedgwick is to know her as Andy Warhol's muse; the man used her in almost all of his crappy, overrated films of the 1960s and 70s. In many ways, Sienna Miller is perfect for this role. Someone who became famous merely because someone more famous picked her out and turned her into a star, the Warhol here being Jude Law. It would be like if Woody Allen was cast as a paranoid Jew, like shooting fish in a barrel. The name of the film comes from a saying of Warhol's, who told his friend and scriptwriter Ron Tavel that he wanted to make Edie "Queen of the Factory" for his film Factory. The film should be called "Hot Girl Who Got Addicted to Literally Everything, Even Blackface."

What pisses me off about this trailer is the romance between Edie and Bob Dylan, who she met at the Chelsea Hotel (in real life, I haven't a fucking clue how they meet in this tale). "Behind the face everyone recognized is the story that no one ever knew..." and we, The Weinstein Company, have decided to jazz up with false stories about a young drug addict's life. Dylan denies their relationship to this day and he married Sarah Lowndes around the time he and Sedgwick were supposed to have been making babies. Not cool. But I suppose if you make a movie about a sexy woman, she has to have sex with people other than Andy "I Literally am a Eunuch" Warhol. I hate Andy Warhol. I also hate people who dress as Devils on Halloween. I mean, c'mon.

The best thing about the trailer is Bowie's "Life on Mars." Perhaps the greatest song, in my mind, from Bowie. My middle school choir covered it and I played a "sailor fighting in the dance hall." I even smacked my teacher, Mr. Pedelty, in the face as only a brave man can brawl. Guy Pierce seems fantastic, a mix of David Ames in Vanilla Sky and Keith Richards, or Johnny Depp, whatever.

I think the trailer, the movie and the story of Edie Sedgwick all have one thing in common - that quesy feeling one gets moments before an awful accident happens. As if you know some horrific fate will come upon these people, but you're powerless to stop it. Edie Sedgwick died at 28 of an overdose, her life wasted. I hope the film doesn't try to pay tribute to her talent, but rather shows another 15-minutes of fame kid ruined by stardom and Bob Dylan. Everyone is ruined by fucking Bob Dylan.

Letters from Iwo Jima

2006-12-17T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm shocked Spiffae didn't comment on this trailer - I mean, it's right up his alley: Ken Watanabe (the shifty guy from The Last Samurai, remote, dormant-volcanic islands, and World War II. The war which Spiffae dubs, "The Greatest Years for Picking Up Middle Eastern Women of My Remarkable Life." Alas, Clint Eastwood's trailer for the second installment of the Iwo Jima saga is phenomenal. The trailer is crisp and shot in an almost amber filter, adding to the dry horror about to befall these men, and the music is like elevator music on your trip down to hell.

There is something inherent in Japanese culture which I think is undeniable - their sense of honor and grace - it's the culture of the Samurai and the Geisha, who both perform their tasks like ballerinas or a not-drunk me. They're amazing. Yet this movie, like Flags of Our Fathers, portrays the true nature of all men in the heat of battle - we're all remarkably similar and we're all deeply scared to our last breath.

The trailer, from the moment the young soldier gets conscripted, focuses on the realization that each and every one of these men will probably die. When you're confronted with your own mortality how do you react? Do you fight it or do you thank your country for sending you on a death mission? Almost all of the Japanese soldiers served their country in an insane battle (It was the first time in the history of warfare that the Americans sent acapella groups to the front lines of an assault, they annoyed everyone on the opposition side greatly).

Even though the United States denies it and returned control of the island back to the Japanese in 1968, many think they have nuclear arms sitting on the un-populated island. As soon as I push "publish" on this post, I'm traveling by hovercraft to Iwo Jima. I am taking a shovel, a copy of El Topo and my computer (with wireless capabilities). I will find those nukes. I get it, Mr. Eastwood, we will find those nukes and set them free. God, you're a visionary.

Epic Movie

2006-12-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

I hate this trailer. This trailer, and the movie it is advertising, is aimed at the lowest common denominator, but maybe you hadn't realized how low that denominator was these days. We are spoofing what here - Narnia? Harry Potter? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Aren't those movies aimed at children? This movie is probably going to get a nice big R-Rating, so the target audiences of the spoofed movies aren't invited - so who is?

Epic Movie is aimed at late-blooming mildly retarded men who are unable to comprehend comedy with a lot of talking, who see children's movies with their mothers and then will see Epic Movie alone, thinking they are being terribly rebellious, who want to make fun of popular movies with their friends, but are not smart enough to come up with their own jokes - and we are not talking about difficult targets here. But then again, these are probably people who won't notice that the actor making fun of the actor playing Superman is British.

So, learning-disabled half-children with weak social skills and weaker senses of humor - enjoy the trailer for Epic Movie, and have fun at the movie too. You won't see me there.

Trailer.

Because I Said So.

2006-12-14T22:17:00.000-05:00

We try not to be exclusive here at Trailer Reviews. We try to cover trailers of all genres…but we fail.

This blog is a total sausage-fest. We like movies with blood! And explosions! And Christopher Walken! He is so funny when he pauses when he talks about stuff! We try to say things like he says but we fail! That means he is a Very Good Actor!

But in the interest of diversity, I decided to review Because I Said So.

And I swear by all that is holy I will never review another chick flick.

I began by reading the brief description provided by the Apple Trailers website. I was initially intrigued by the fact that it featured Piper Perabo (Peribeaux). I loved her in Rocky and Bullwinkle and Coyote Ugly, and when I read that she was playing a “sexy and irreverent” character named “Mae” opposite Jessica Simpson and one of the robots from the Gilmore Girls you could have knocked me over with a feather!

So I went ovaries (balls) out. I took the extra 4 minutes and downloaded the high-def, 1080p, THX approved version of the trailer. I popped some fat free popcorn, wrapped myself in an afghan and prepared to laugh and to cry and to menstruate.

And you know what happened?

They showed Diane Keaton’s ASS.

And I blacked out.

So I have no fucking idea what this movie is about. I didn’t watch the rest of the trailer. I couldn’t take that chance.

To recover, I watched the trailer for Hostel: Part 2. This trailer is so good, I think it might be bragging about The Holocaust. Plus, the movie itself probably features at least one instance of genital mutilation. Which I think everyone can appreciate.

So, in summation, we’d like to send a big “Fuck You” to Michael Lehmann, director of Because I said So. Fuck you for making a movie that was edited into a trailer during which I saw Diane Keaton’s ass. I hope you die.

Balls of Fury

2006-12-10T13:20:00.000-05:00

Watch the trailer here.

The fact is you could have Christopher Walken talk about "felching" for two hours and I'd go see it - he could debate the Cuban Missile Crisis, talk about the effects of Leukemia, or Ecoli in tacos and I would find each equally hilarious. The guy is insanely funny, intentionally or unintentionally, it doesn't really matter. He could read "Ullysses" to a crowd of angry Somalians and I would be in the dirt, laughing and barfing. He's just funny.

The trailer for Balls of Fury feels all over the show - it's a stupid movie much in the same vein as Dodgeball or BASEketball (sp?) - lets take a second-rate sport and surround it with retarded hijinks, gangsters, international plots of deviance and comedians for two hours - and, furthermore, put in a loose and careless plot driven only by the poor acting capabilities of the leading man, in this case, East Village-based comedian Dan Fogler. (Of course Fogler won a Tony last year, but hey, for the sake of argument, let's say he is a total dud.) What I do find promising in the movie is the writing of Ben Garant of Reno 911 and, originally, a founder of The State. He's talented and bizarre and his humor is really right up my anal alley. He's also quite muscular and I love muscular comedians: Joe Piscopo, Ian Roberts and Rodney Dangerfield. I love muscle. Oh, throw in Tony Danza and Sam Kinnison.

What's good: Def Leppard shirt. Nice touch. That's a band of underdogs that rose to the top and remains there to this day. Not a day goes by that I don't request they change the elevator music at my office to "Let's Get Rocked." Christopher Walken. George Lopez acting like a fatter, older and more insane Tony Montana. The movie will suck, but it will probably suck in a way that appeals to many, many college-aged guys with forties and their equally aloof girlfriends. They will then recommend it to thier parents at some dinner party where they've had too much of Dad's merlot, the parents will buy it, watch it, and then wonder why their kids turned out to be fucking morons. What? I'm just being honest.

Stomp The Yard

2006-12-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

Ah, memories. I remember the days when I used to stomp the yard like these young turks. The film renames the college "Truth University" but we all know that this is really a film about my alma mater, Skidmore College. Such fond memories! I remember my first lunch at the dining hall, when a troupe of identically dressed men jumped up from their seats and began to dance, their synchronized movements were so inspiring to a young stepper like myself. I remember when I met my first roommate, who gave me a toilet seat as a housewarming gift. How could I ever forget that time when I asked Mert what was going on one time, and he looked at me and said "They're stompin' the yard - where you from?" Ah Mert, if you only knew how much of a part of my life Stomping the yard would become!

From there it is like a rush of beautiful memories, choosing the yellow-hoodie stomp fraternity over the red track suit stomp fraternity. Almost running a girl over with a ride-on mower, and I will never forget the moment when I told my girlfriend "I don't know if I can [stomp]" and she looked at me and said "Well then [stomp] for your brother."

I will never be as happy as when we were at the international(?) stomp championships, and Mert threw me across the stage on my head - that's brotherhood, that's STOMP. THE YARD.

Relive my life here.

The Aura

2006-12-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

Foreign trailers are usually great because there is no easy out for them. They can’t charm you with a snappy one liner or offer you a poignant exchange between two estranged lovers. They must draw you in with visuals alone, because the narration usually sucks.

Case in point, The Aura. It transcends the bad voiceover and ends up looking like a pretty compelling thriller.

And I love that shot at the end with the trees.

Zodiac

2006-12-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

Watch the trailer here.

"Based on real events" has never opened such a screaming can of worms for me. Does based on real events mean that Jake Gyllenhal and Robert Downey Jr. will catch the still -in reality - uncaught Zodiac killer? The statute of limitations doesn't apply to murder, so does that mean this film is going to make a conjecture as to who is the killer or killers? My issue with this trailer is the light-and-airy feel it has - as if it's not about a real life murderer and his many, many victims in the 1970s and 60s. I also feel like this movie is totally miscast - what on earth makes people believe Gyllenhal is a decent actor? I know he was in ManMeatTacoSalad-Love Mountain, but he was the worst actor in that film - including Anne Hathaway, who, shockingly, was very, very good. It's like watching the kid in your high school who played "Mercutio" star in a multi-million dollar film. It looks, well, moronic.

It is also a fairly incoherent trailer - at first it's a codebreaking cartoonist, then it turns into a love story with Chloe Sevingy (sp? Oh, wait, I really don't care), and then it turns into Robert Downey Jr. drug tripping on the Golden Gate Bridge. It feels like a comedy trailer, like when Ruffalo says, "Oh Jesus. Squirrels" when he's in the kitchen we're supposed to laugh out loud. It would be like if Oscar Schindler opened up a basement door with Leonard Skinnard playing in the background and said, "Oh, holy moly! (laughter) Juden!!! Ha. Death. Ha. Misery. Ha." Not ha. David Fincher, take yourself seriously, or else no one else will. This trailer sucks 1970s and modern-day penis.

Smokin' Aces

2006-12-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

BMW Films meets Domino crossed with Hitman: Blood Money plus Man on Fire, with a dash of The Big Lebowski. Seven hitmen (and women) like a meaner version of The Royal Tennenbaums who got mixed up with Tony Montana and the armorers from Snatch . Ben Affleck is in there, a cross between his characters from Reindeer Games and Dogma, with a little bit of GOB from Arrested Development in the mix. Ray Liotta reprises his role from Narc, but this time he is channeling Bruce Lee, circa Enter the Dragon. Ryan Reynolds is just Ryan Reynolds, because he never needs to be any more than that. Jason Bateman is in there, with cues from Patrick Bateman, and a sore on his lip that looks more like it would be at home on Lindsey Lohan than Michael Bluth.

The trailer is straight Tony Scott, but with the restraint of brother Ridley. We've got rewinding, fast forwarding, and pictures that could have come out of Bad Boys 2, but this is like Michael Bay on speed. The contrast is dialed way up, CSI style, but the pacing is more Run Lola Run. The trailer is worth watching, available in Quicktime, but with the immediacy of WMV. The sound is crisp and sharp, evoking Lost, but without all the nonsense. Download this, like you've been downloading The Pictures of Britney Spears with No Underwear On.

Trailer

Blood Diamond

2006-11-23T17:22:00.000-05:00

Spiffae and I discussed the Blood Diamond Trailer today.

Spiffae: They should call this movie "Black Hawk Diamond"

Spiffae: No diamond left behind

AD: I don't know what accent Leonardo Dicaprio is using, but he sounds like the girl in my office who does Harry Potter LARPing

AD: Which is to say, fucking dumb.

Spiffae: What if the preview was completely misleading, and it was actually a movie about high-end LARPing?

Spiffae: I mean people who are really into LARPing.

AD: It actually all takes place in Muncie Indiana and the people are all just hell of into it.

Spiffae: Leonardo DiCaprio's character is a level 15 shithead, who rolls a 20-sided dice to see if he should say "America is bling bling. Here is bling bang."

Spiffae: You can tell that they are really into it because of the amount of shots of people with their mouths wide open.

Spiffae: It's like the whole movie takes place in that closet from The Ring.

AD: Actually, I think its just that LARPing naturally attracts mouth breathers.

Spiffae: There's a shot, when the kid is getting taken on the truck, and everyone's mouth is open.

Spiffae: That's four people in one shot.

Spiffae: They look like a 50s pop group.

AD: I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but Jesus, how does something like that “bling bang” line come to be put in a major studio film, much less be used in the trailer.

Spiffae: Dude, this trailer is ass, why are we talking about it. Every time I watch it, I hate it more.

Spiffae: This trailer is removing my Thanksgiving cheer.

Spiffae: This trailer is the opposite of Turkey.

AD: Alright. Then lets end it with an old thanksgiving saying "In America it’s Gobble Gobble, Here it’s Gobble Goebbels"

Spiffae: See, now there is a good idea.

Death of a President

2006-11-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

Watch the trailer here.

What I like about this trailer is that it essentially does nothing. Certainly, it proposes an absurd idea that seems almost impossible nowadays - the assassination of the most guarded man in the world. This, inherently, is the attraction of such a movie in essentially the same way as 28 Days Later, The Day After Tomorrow, and Horse Feathers, but more so Horse Feathers. The impossible happens, how does society react? Other than that though, nothing happens - it entices you with absolute bullshit, and if you see it, you're a fucking idiot.

What's effective is the echoes of 9/11: "We weren't just rounding up people, we had probable cause," and the talks of a major, catastrophic security breach - both of these comments are directly tied to 9/11 for obvious reasons. In many ways, this movie plays on the gross hopes of the populace - the death of George Bush, although, of course, this is a moronic hope. Have you ever lived under martial law? That's what would happen if Laura Bush ran this country, that greedy, savage monkey. Also the news casters who talk of reports of a shooting incident, darkly reminiscent of an "accidental plane crash in downtown Manhattan."

Many critics have panned the movie. Moreso, many have loved it, including the judges of the Critics Prize at the Toronto Film Festival. However, I couldn't give two shits about such tripe. Why see this movie, what could it possibly teach me except a "What If?" that seems almost impossible. Want to give me a great "what if?" how about a movie about if NewsCorp, AlJazeera and Starbucks merged? That would be a hell of a merger. Or, what if a killer bear destroyed the Congress of the United States? Again, fascinating. But this seems ridiculous.

The Nativity Story

2006-11-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

Watch the trailer here.

When the first images for this trailer come up, you expect an insane cougar to run through and slaughter a baby speaking gibberish - it feels like The Passion of the Christ 2, but alas, it's The Nativity Story. This was the first feature film ever to premier at the Vatican, and it makes sense, since it's about Jews. And I'm happy that it tackles the whole "immaculate conception thing," I mean, look at Mary, we all know she did just about everyone in town. Even the Angel Gabriel, played by the excellent Alexander Siddiq, claims to have tapped that ass (Matthew 10.16.Blue.42). My major issue: The girl who plays Mary might be the worst actress ever, or she's legally retarded. I mean, profoundly retarded. "I have broken no vow" comes with no passion, no sense that she really means it. Those words matter, bitch, make them sound like you're not reading them from a cue card.

When I show up at that theater this December - a day early so I can bring my donkey and get permission for an animal in the theater - I expect Mary to not be in it. Dear Director, cut that bitch out of the movie. For the good of Jesus, kill his mother. Kill Mary. She doesn't even act like a person would 2000 years ago - have you seen her press olives? Amatuer hour. Or milk goats? Minor league skank. The movie and the trailer is dotted with moments that feal supernatural - I know, three wise men, light from the heavens - it's supposed to be that way. But why couldn't Jesus have been born from two parents who actually did have sex? Why couldn't the wise men have been thieves who realized the error of their ways when they met baby JC? I would like that story better. As it stands now, I feel like Jesus was just another dude like you and I, and his parents and those around him kept building up with fabricated stories of glory. "Did you see Jesus today? He totally threw a camel a furlong!" "Did you see Jesus today? The guy has such a wonderous cock." "Did you see Jesus today? He totally walked away from me in the middle of a story about mir."

P.S. In light of The Nativity Story, check out this trailer.

Zodiac

2006-11-18T17:14:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of trouble trying to figure David Fincher out. Is he a genius, a visionary director who sometimes falters when he lets his vision take over a script? Is he a lot of style and no substance? Do I just like him because when I saw Fight Club six-odd years ago, I thought it was the best movie ever made? I’m still not sure, and the new trailer for Zodiac doesn’t help me at all.

On one hand, it looks like a return to form (and by form, I mean the style of Seven – which, coincidentally is spelled Seven, not Se7en. I hate number letters.) – the movie has a nice ensemble cast, the story focused around a super serial killer, and it seems like at least a few people will have complete nervous breakdowns in the course of the movie. All of that sounds good so far.

The thing is, for whatever reason, I’m not convinced. Maybe I’m just wary after the disappointment that was Panic Room, but this is a really good trailer for a movie that just doesn’t seem to have that hook that makes it really great. Maybe they left something out, but after watching that very nice trailer, I have no desire to see the movie. Everything seems fine, but all together it doesn’t interest me. Is that the fault of the trailer, or the movie it’s advertising?

Watch the trailer here.

Arthur and the Invisibles

2006-11-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

La Femme Nikita, The Professional, and The Fifth Element. Three of my top ten movies when I graduated from high school. They have since been usurped by other, slightly more intelligent fare. But I will always hold a deep and abiding love for these films, and the man who made them: Luc Besson.

Now, Mr. Besson has spent the last 8 years producing and writing what seems like hundreds of different projects, here and around the world. But he hasn’t directed anything since The Fifth Element (we’ll just ignore The Messenger, even if it has Spiffae’s girlfriend in it). And that is really a shame, as he is a truly visionary director.

Scoff if you want, but the man directed the two finest hitman films ever made! Also, I dare you to watch The Fifth Element and show me any film from the 90s that comes anywhere near the level of creativity shown even if the most throw-away shots in that film. It is just breathtaking.

So it is with great excitement that I watched the trailer for the Besson directed Arthur and the Invisibles (Arthur and the Minimoys if you are some country cooler than America). And I really like it. It is clearly different from everything else he has done, but that is what makes it so much fun! It looks bright, beautiful, and sharply animated. The design is somewhere between Fraggle Rock, The Dark Crystal, and Oddworld, the jokes are simple but effective, and most shocking, it looks like a kid’s movie that is actually made for kids. I enjoy this current crop of slyly self-referential, meta-joke making “kid’s” movies just as much as the next 20-something post-hipster, but what the hell happened to movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids or The Neverending Story? Movies for kids that don’t care whether they entertain the grown-ups that brought them. Arthur and The Invisibles looks to be that kind of kids movie.

I am a little wary of is the rather uninspired vocal talent. I love David Bowie, but its not like he has some amazing speaking voice that needs to be showcased in some ridiculous super villain. The same goes for Madonna, not to mention that she seems to be voicing the romantic lead for a 12 year old. Does that seem inappropriate to anyone else? And Snoop Dog? Yikes.

But, you take the bad with the good.

So, watch the trailer and enjoy it for what it is. The triumphant return of one of the best directors out there.

Crispin Glover's What is it?

2006-11-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

Watch the trailer here.

Crispin Glover, of Marty McFly fame, has had a tremendous career. What impresses me most is his "family movies," meaning films you can take the kids to - you don't need to leave them at Aunt Mildred's, you don't need to conveniently forget them in a nearby town. You can take them to see What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Back to the Future, or Bartleby. With What is it? not only has he created a family movie, he's also made something I can give my dad for Christmas.

A young man (Glover) with a dark and wild imagination is haunted by a Demi-God, also played by Glover. With only salt, a pipe, snails (although I'd wager the snail is the true Demi-God) and the dream to get home. This sounds promising - it's Caligula meets "The Odyssey" meets Crispin Glover acting like a fucking idiot. This is one of those trailers that will play before some arthouse crowd, some goatee-wearing douche will turn to me at the end and be like, "How interesting, no? One would wager..." and then I will pull down my pants and pee on his copy of "The Stranger" that he perpetually reads and quotes to bored sorority girls.

Large breasted women wearing African animal heads crawling around on all fours? Yeah, that's in there. Have you ever been really stoned and paranoid and thought your friend's mom was calling your name, but in French while tarantulas crawled all over her naked body? That's the feeling I get when Glover's voiceover says, "Good. He's dead." Oh and there's a retarded man dressed as a King and another dressed as a woman who simply moans. Not since James Joyce have I been so impressed by the imagination and artistry of a modern artist. Anyway...If this movie is watched by anyone other than Glover and his ever-encouraging mother, I will be shocked.

Swastikas, hundreds of characters with down syndrome and Glover on a throne - these images seem odd? And what's the deal with the retarded, cross-dressing leader? I mean, c'mon dude. He defended his choices of imagery in a 2005 interview: "It's really a film to help start these kinds of discussions. Why are these things taboo, and what does that mean for the culture itself? A culture will die a death of stupidity if it doesn't have different points of view." Certainly, and what a point of view to take into account Mr. Glover - it's time our culture takes into account the freaks in the forest you've filmed, all ruled by you or a snail. What a pile of shit, nice one, McFly.

Happy Feet

2006-11-10T12:14:00.000-05:00

What is it with all the CG animated movies of penguins? I mean, penguins are kind of cool, what with their marches and all that, but two separate movies, one about surfing penguins, and one about singing-and-tap-dancing penguins? Wtf?

Even more baffling, is the fact that both of these movies have great trailers. I talked about the Surf's Up trailer a while ago, and then just recently someone pointed me to the Happy Feet trailer 2. These are ballsy trailers! Surf's up was done in a slow documentary style, and now this happy feet is just a music video of Robin Williams in penguin form singing "My Way" in Spanish?? That's it, the whole trailer: a Sinatra song, sung in Spanish, in the arctic, by a penguin. Genius!

In my heart of hearts I hope that Robin Williams can capture some of the magic of his voice work in Aladdin here. I'm not sure if that is possible, especially when playing a hispanic penguin (that is a pretty ridiculous notion, if you think about it) - but I remain optimistic.

Trailer here. (Apple)

The Number 23

2006-11-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

I don’t particularly care for Jim Carrey. This doesn’t make me a minority. I don’t think a lot of people care for him. I don’t have anything clever or pithy to say about why I don’t like him, either. I think he is obnoxious when he tries to be funny, and I think he is overly schmaltzy when he does drama.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t like me some movies about people who go all psycho because they start to see insane patterns in their lives. This happened to me with pi once. Sorry, I meant pie. And actually, I was just eating a lot of pie for a while. So, its not really the same thing.

Also, does anyone else think that they put Virginia Madsen’s neck on upside-down?

Watch the trailer and enjoy the numb3r w0rd5.

Christmas at the Maxwell's

2006-11-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

At first this feels like a SNL spoof of a Christmas movie - there's a chick that sorta looks like Amy Poehler, overwrought, cheesy music and images of family. The only thing that's lacking is Jimmy Fallon walking onto the scene and fucking up the skit entirely. The Christmas at the Maxwell's trailer has something that SNL lacks, however, and that is comedy. It's trying so hard to draw you into these b-level actors (the mom is from the Food Network), but it can't, because it sucks giant sentimental cock.

Watch the trailer here.

The plot continues to heighten in a way that would be acceptable for a decent movie - first, Mom has cancer, or Lupus, or something awful. Then, the empy photo album! A miscarriage and an outfit carved for "Lucy." Perhaps Lucy was born a goblinish creature and the mother, in a hysterical rage, drove Lucy to a cloud-beriddled "hospital" somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Not a day goes by that she doesn't think of Lucy, nor fears her pock-marked face appearing at the frosted window behind the television playing It's A Wonderful Life. Alas, Lucy was probably just plain and boring and died.

Also, the scene that follows the discovery of Lucy where the mom and her friend sit down. The friend says, "I see, you're taking all those - what's going on here?" Well, duh, Blanch, I have fucking cancer. You can't make this shit up.

P.S. How creepy is this Damien-esque child - he probably ate Lucy.

But, unlike the brilliant trailers of M. K. Shamalamadingdong, this trailer gives away the secret at it's heart: Christianity. "Let's pray, wendy," the little girl says to her transexual brother. Then a preist comes into the shot - no doubt having impure thoughts of dirt, smoke-filled parties and anus. I'm sorry, but even if it is a light, Christian romantic drama - make the trailer have some pace, something interesting. I mean, who is enticed by a film about a family going through cancer and a dead baby at Christmas time? Unless Mel Gibson shows up dressed in Aztec kill clothes and pins all the blame on the "Jew," I don't think I will be seeing it.

One Sentence Fridays!

2006-11-03T19:10:00.000-05:00

Pan's Labyrinth
An R-rated fantasy tale, centering around World War 2 intrigue, a pretty girl, and really cool special effects - eyeball hands are merely a bonus!

The Messengers
We already knew kids were creepy, but here come the Pang brothers to show us that not only are kids creepy, you should never let a kid watch you make the bed.

Meet the Robinsons (trailer 5 - five?!)
The saddest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever captured on film.

Deja Vu (teaser)
A dynamite trailer comes of removing all of the audio and story from your abominable prior attempt; doesn't bode well for your film, Tony!

Hot Fuzz

2006-10-31T22:11:00.001-05:00

I talk a lot about “perfect teasers” on this site. I believe in the past I classified the teasers for Jarhead, Princess, and a number of others as “perfect”. But hey, I am a fan of brevity. If you have an awesome three and a half minute trailer, than you also have an even more awesome sixty-second teaser. Which of course brings us to our topic of discussion: Hot Fuzz.

You get two teasers for this movie! One is Awesome the other is Even more Awesome! Of course, the Even more Awesome one depends on your having seen Shaun of the Dead to fully appreciate the joke. But if you haven’t seen Shaun of the Dead, why the hell are you sitting around reading this?! Go watch it! Sean of the Dead was my number two movie of 2004! IT IS GREAT!! I’m not kidding. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it. NOW.

If you have seen it, then you can stop watching the trailer at the point where it says: “From The Team That Brought You Shaun of the Dead”. You already know what’s coming next: PURE AWESOMENESS.

You know what? Go ahead and watch ‘em anyway. You can never have too much awesome in your life.

Reading back on this, I realize that I used the word ‘awesome’ quite a few times. That was not planned. Awesome.

Harsh Times

2006-10-28T19:42:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

What? Did that just happen? I mean, I didn't really even like Training Day and now we have Training Day 2 starring Batman with his little Mexican ally - oh, and Eva "I literally look like shit" Longoria. What is Christian Bale thinking? He was just in the fantastic The Prestige and he poops on his resume with this tripe.

Two crooked cops - one renowned for his harsh, crazy ways and the other is a young recruit with a lot of potential. I just described Training Day, but nay, it's this new bullshit. I don't really know why I'm so mad. Also, what kind of proper trailer has the voice over say - verbatim - what the type on the screen spells out. It's redundant, and it makes it feel like a 10-year-old made the trailer. The only redeeming part is when Bale says, "Whip-Crack! I turned that Paco into a fountain of blood!" I mean, Christain Bale turning anyone into a fountain of anything, I'm down. Turn Rip Torn into a fountain of chocolate, I will definitely give you my $10.75, you studmuffin.

So, Trailer Reviews is back and what a shite movie to bring it back.

300

2006-10-07T10:39:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

It sorta goes without saying that I'm psyched for this movie. If you're viewing The Departed like everybody else in the United States this weekend, you'll get to witness this fantastic trailer.

Why is it so good?

1. Zach Snyder, the director, also did 2004's Dawn of the Dead. While I wasn't a huge fan of that movie - although it's fun, don't get me wrong - this trailer has a certain horror, a certain darkness that makes the true story of the 300 all the more unbelievable. It's as if this superhuman historical tale - The Battle of Thermopylae - is somehow haunted. Very cool. You also know that a film poster written in blood (which this one is) is gonna blow your asshole to the moon! Yeah, I said it.

2. The shots in the first few seconds of the trailer are fantastic, awe-inspiring. As hundreds of soldiers are pushed off of a cliff to their deaths, the sun sets in the background. It may seem like overkill, but man, that's some fucking awesome overkill.

3. The arrows shot - a famous historical tale of thousands of arrows blotting out the light of the sun - and they did it! Also, the man who plays King Leonidas, Gerard Butler, is fresh off of playing a list of rolls that season him for the insane, blood-thirsty king: Beowulf (2005), The Phantom of the Opera (2004, greatest movie ever? Yup.), and my favorite, Terry Sheridan in Tomb Raider (2003).

4. An entire country binds together, a battle which some say gave birth to the first democracy. A democracy forged in blood, weird goblinish creatures, and hairy backed apes with swords and hell-hath-no fury attitudes. The trailer is like a rock video for a band I want to fuck, nay, I want to fuck me, hard.

Surf's Up

2006-10-04T23:27:00.000-04:00

Wait a second. A Sony Pictures Animation CG movie about penguins that surf has absolutely no right to have this good of a trailer. Who just got hired at Sony who understands what a good CG animated movie (and trailer) is? Let's do the list:

The voice actors are odball picks, but beyond that, the actor's names are not splashed across the screen when the characters are introduced. Does an immense amount to make the characters real.
In a nod to The Incredibles' incredible (ha) trailer, it starts off with some old timey video, a brilliantly acted interview, and some fantastically animated, and perfectly done footage.
The music is absolutely wonderful, and apparently part of the score for the movie. Nods to Phillip Glass.
Lastly, it has the intangible that a good trailer has - the goosebumps moment. Any great trailer has a moment where the music, editing, and visuals come together and give me goosebumps. When Big Z shoots out of that wave, the camera zooms in on him, struggling to keep him in the frame, and he bows to the barrel of the wave, it gets me every time. Well done, chaps. Well done.

That said, I worry - as soon as that pop-rock comes in, and the surfing gets all ridiculous, the humor and timing are suddenly poor, and the sidekick characters seem totally stupid. I feel like the movie will probably be a lot more of that bad, and not much of the good. This feels like the work of an inspired trailer-maker, and not a trailer for an incredible movie.

p.s. This is amazing:

Watch the trailer. (Apple)

Eragon

2006-09-28T11:29:00.001-04:00

There was a rumor that the film version of Eragon was going to be called Generic Fantasy Movie, but they thought it gave too much away.

But I kid.

I think its great that they were able to take all the unused footage from Dragonheart and Lord of the Rings, splice in Jeremy Irons’ performance from Kingdom of Heaven and make a movie out of it. But since Chris Paolini wrote the book with Tolkien and Le Guin’s leftovers and added a dash of Star Wars, they can get away with it.

The Bridge

2006-09-10T12:47:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

There is something so dark, so eerie, about the trailer for The Bridge, which I guess is what it's going for. There is also something inherently wrong when you profit off the deaths and misery of other people - in this case 24 people who committed suicide in 2004 from jumping from the bridge. In a way it's like the people who profit off of 9/11 footage or the monkey I have taped to my wall - we make money from seeing what we think we'll never do. Suicide, bitches, a four second fall - kablamo. The Golden Gate Bridge is the single worst location for suicides in all the world. So many go there to die. So, someone decided to make a movie about it. Since the bridge's creation in 1937, over 1000 people have lept into the choppy waters and only one has survived - Sean Connery!!! Just kidding, no one can live from a jump like that. Actually, check out this tid bit I found when reading up on the bridge:

"We've talked to people who have jumped and survived the fall," said John Vidaurri of San Francisco Suicide Prevention. "And most of them have said once they leave the platform of the bridge, they've regretted jumping off." I mean, c'mon.

At first the trailer feels like a documentary about the building of the bridge, which actually I would be down to watch on TV. Then the piano-infused music gets a little bit "Fuck You too!" and it's all down hill and terribly depressing. Then the guy with the hoodie legs over and you realize exactly what this is about - pure, uncut horror. I am mesmerized that they can actually capture real people, and I'm sure much of it is reenactments, but still....this is pretty fucked up. I really want to see this, but I will only see it if I'm drunk, stoned and alone and in San Francisco, on the bridge. Peace.

All The King's Men

2006-08-27T16:26:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

From one of the greatest, most compelling books in the history of American literature comes a remake of an old movie (1949) that promises to anally, royally entertain audiences. Even Chinese guys sitting in the third row with their translators will have to shut the fuck up – All The King’s Men is going to be awesome. The story involves a journalist, played by Jude Law, assigned to write the story of an up-and-coming politician, Sean Penn. Law becomes obsessed with the southern leader for his honesty and soon becomes one of his “researchers.” Basically, he finds dirt on anyone that threatens Sean Penn’s political ascent. The story raises many pertinent questions about the nature of duty – how far will you go to do a job well? Can you trust your boss; can you trust your heroes? Can you really trust your friends? Where do these worlds intersect and collide? Why is soup so cheap?

In a lot of ways the trailer is like a political advertisement – hyperbolic language, insanely epic music and familiar images that will tie the audience to the film – “Oh there’s that fat guy from 'The Sopranos'!” “Oh, there’s that guy that should be banging Sienna Miller, but, alas, he’s a fucking idiot!” Some of the shots in the trailer are simply breathtaking. As Penn speaks to the faceless crowd, the mill town in the background lets off lines of smoke into the overcast sky. And, for Penn: like all power earned, it soon begets the desire for power stolen. Penn begins as an honest man seeking to change the world, but once he gains that power he becomes everything he once despised. And the trailer displays this wonderfully – he looks evil. Seldom do films chance to show a 3-dimensional character.

My only major criticism of the trailer is the line of awards for the cast. Okay, we get it - your casting agent did a fucking fantastic job. But I don't care that Jude Law was nominated for Cold Mountain or The Talented Mr. Ripley, which I thought was so boring I wanted to stab my penis with a broken bottle, a lot. By recognition alone we know the cast is superb, don't rub it in. Trust that your cast is phenomenal - which it is - and then ask us to see the film. Also, pay attention to Travis Champagne in the roll as young Tom Stark - perhaps the worst actor's name in the history of time. "Hello, my name's Matt RootBeerTooth CapriSun. I'm auditioning for the roll of Willy Loman." This movie, however, is sure to be an Oscar favorite and bloody entertaining.

Man Of The Year

2006-08-25T23:27:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't expect this. I am no fan of Robin Williams, he has been pretty much worthless in recent years - basically ever since Patch Adams. That was the beginning of the end. He was awesome as the Genie in Aladdin, pretty good in Mrs. Doubtfire, but from there I feel like the movies just got sentimental and crappy, and I stopped wanting to see them. His new edgy stuff hasn't made me any less bored with him, and I had basically written him off until the Man of the Year trailer rolled around.

And then holy crap! Robin Williams in a role that seems to not be all about him being a douche bag. This movie, firmly in the style of Wag the Dog (another title with two proper nouns divided by some uncapitalizables!) and looking to be just as good. Watching Robin Williams play (essentially) John Stewart in this trailer, I forgot about what a ponce he has been, and I started getting excited for Man of the Year. It looks like a great concept, decent cast, good director, and possibly good script.

I do kind of wish they had skipped showing that he wins the election, only because it would have made the trailer even more of a tease, and the post-winning stuff is not particularly rich. Either way, I welcome the return of Robin Williams, and I am hoping for the Bush-era Wag the Dog.

Trailer (apple.com)

Night at the Museum

2006-08-24T15:10:00.000-04:00

There are some bad feelings between me and Ben Stiller. I think that most of

America

can agree with me. He has turned out quite a string of obnoxious, embarrassing, and , at times, painful to watch comedies starting with Meet the Parents. Meet the Parents, is among my least favorite films ever made. And for Stiller to have the sheer audacity to follow up with Meet the Fockers! Well, have no trouble telling you that I wrote Ben off as a lost cause with little trouble

But then along comes Night at the Museum. I am a straight up sucker for stories where something not alive comes alive. I loved Jumanji, (book and film) and I enjoyed the Indian in the Cupboard, (the book and the film, even with the latter’s facially deformed lead). Night at the Museum is every little kid’s fantasy writ large, writ EPIC. This trailer is the first jewel to be released in anticipation of that Holiday movie season. It has a great build in pacing, plenty of jokes, and Dick Van-fucking-Dyke!!

So, Ben. Maybe I can give you one more shot to redeem yourself. As long as I don’t have to see your painfully contorted testicles again, I think we will be fine.

Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny

2006-08-21T00:14:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

There is something so endearing about Jack Black and Kyle Gass, and their mega-giant-tastic band, Tenacious D. They are nerdy guys, especially Black, and they make casual dorkiness mixed with bizarre behavior so fucking cool. Listen to Black’s voice when the trailer begins, his hyperbolic language and his holier than thou attitude. In many ways it’s similar to Colbert, only these guys are parodying themselves more than anything else. They recognize how much they’re dorky, yet the more they riff on themselves, the more we love them. This has been a much-anticipated movie and I can’t wait.

It seems like many of the trailer’s jokes are similar to the Tenacious D from “Mr. Show.” What makes the trailer so good – besides the instant recognition of their awesomeness – is that it feels thrown together, especially with the voice over: “Prepare yourselves for the motion picture experience of the century…from New Line Cinema comes the most important film in this history of films.” Almost like, “Hey, let’s make a movie? Yeah, let’s make a movie – pass the spliff.”

Like School of Rock, Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny seems like a similar production – just let Jack Black do whatever the fuck he wants for two hours and we’ll have a box office smash hit. Indeed, it’s not just gonna be fantastic – it’s gonna be fucktastic.

Rocky Balboa

2006-08-13T21:25:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Plot: ESPN shows a video game simulation of Rocky Balboa - arguably the worst boxer in movie history - against a real boxer named Mason "The Line" Dixon, and Rocky wins. I've always wondered how this Rocky movie series can be popular. Every time he gets raped in the ring and somehow comes back at the end, his body resembling black-and-blue clay, and yet he wins. What is more realistic would be a movie where Rocky's brain damage takes over and he talks to his dog about modern technology and knowing Mr. T for 3 days while eating plaster.

I can just imagine Stallone smoking a giant cigar at Planet Hollywood in Lincoln, Nebraska: "Hmmm....maybe, at 89-years-old, I should fight against a kid who will hit me so hard my grandchildren vomit....sounds like another 100-million-dollar sequel." If you've ever thought Hollywood fucks up your brain, this is the most glaring example. Stay tuned for Indiana Jones: The Ravages of Time, 2008. Fitting title. This film should be called Rocky Balboa: Give me a fucking break.

Beerfest

2006-08-06T19:03:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Oh holy God, Broken Lizard is back with a better film than that steaming piece of shit served up on a plate of ass hair known as Club Dread. Super Troopers was a fantastic film for what it was: a frat boy, quotable comedy with nonsense as it's main drive and ridiculousness following close behind (see: Zoolander, Talladega Nights and Anchorman). Jay Chandrasekhar, the chief writer of the Broken Lizard films (and comedy whilst at Colgate College) and many great "Arrested Development" episodes has stuck to what his audience craves - drugs, booze and stupid, stupid actions. Club Dread was a bomb and made me laugh about as much as getting hit in the face with a rusty axe.

The trailer succeeds in many ways. It leaves the audience asking "What the fuck was that?" which is essential for a random comedy like Beerfest. It also has moments that people will talk about even after seeing whatever movie they're at - when Chandrasekhar suavely talks to the woman with a "killer line," and actually just slurs out some typical drunken bullshit. Plus, we've all been there. How many times have you been in a bar talking to a cute girl and realized you just vomited on her and called her friend a "royal fat anus."

Eric Christian Olsen and Will Forte, along with the Broken Lizard team, promise to be great. The trailer is moronic, and I am thoroughly pumped for the film. Well done, boys, well done. In the spirit of the film, I will quote the great philosopher Montaigne from his chapter "On Drunkenness": "The worst condition of humans is when they lose knowledge and control of themselves." Hell yes, can't wait for two hours of mankind's worst condition.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

2006-08-02T23:34:00.000-04:00

I was talking to Spiffae about this trailer and he said “I felt like I was watching a trailer for a video game.” I agree. But I don’t care.

Sure, there is a certain lack of characterization, pathos, conflict, or really anything that would indicate any sort of narrative behind the actions of the Ninja Turtles, but come on! They are jumping around on rooftops! They are wielding ninja weapons like they are things that could really hurt you! They look really cool!

The first TMNT film was the only good one. And apparently they are continuing the storyline of the original film in some way, as the defeat Shredder is mentioned in the official description. But they need to carry over more than just the story to make this one another winner. They need to carry over the incredibly positive male role models as well.

People always chuckle when I say this, but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Motion Picture contains the best portrays of male characters ever seen in a kids movie. The Turtles hug each other. They fight, but they always apologise after. They cry when they are sad. And most important, they tell each other they love each other. How many other tweenager movies can you think of where the male leads share a tearful embrace with his brother and tells him he loves him. This happens in the first TMNT movie!! Watch it if you don’t believe me!

Anyway, I doubt that heavy stuff will make it into this new version. So just enjoy the trailer and relive a little bit of your childhood.

Employee of the Month

2006-07-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Three stoned monkeys standing around a beer pong table thought of this one - you might be familiar with their work. They did Dodgeball, Accepted, Boys Don't Cry (sober) and The Ringer.

Formula: Introduce likeable familiar comedian in human and abnormal setting for said comedian, in this case a Costco. Introduce the “Pussy Prize,” usually with large, fake “honkers,” pearly white teeth and an embarrassing lack of acting talent – Jessica “Flavor of the Week (it’s been a cosmically long week)” Simpson. Then add a sprinkle of random, on the way down from “celebrity” stars: Andy Dick,and that guy who drank Harry’s piss in Dumb & Dumber. And, finally, add a “Funny Foe,” in this case the household name – Dax Shephard – you might remember him from “Punk’d” and more “Punk’d” and his sidekick, the Mexican politician from extremely overrated Napoleon Dynamite, Pedro. American wholesale has never looked so goddamn hilarious.

Dane Cook running into the forklift and getting hit in the nuts by a ball – gold, where did you creative monkey retards think of that? Buster Keaton thought about coming back to life, but he saw the last ten years of movies like this. I’m being silly, Keaton can’t think or process thought – he’s fucking dead.

The thing that redeems this trailer - and my intentions of seeing the film – is pretty simple. The line, “She slides into the sack like a singed koala looking for an all-night burn center.” Holy guacamole. Reminds me of the very un-comic time I saw a singed philharmonic orchestra at an all-night burn center, something about a molotov cocktail and an angry second violinist.

I love that Dane Cook has those lawsuit-inducing roller shoes and he’s certainly a pretty funny dude, but this trailer and the idea of this movie is retarded. So retarded, it seems, that it will surely be quoted in frat houses and by fuckheads like me for the next three years to a lifetime. Well done, Hollywood, your formula once again spells millions in proceeds. I hate our culture and yet I happily suck on the teat of it daily – drink up morons, it tastes so, so good.

Babel

2006-07-29T08:52:00.000-04:00

A day late... apologies.

So what can I say? This is a phenomenal trailer for a movie that will most likely be excellent, but seems to play right into my mindset right now. Having just spent the year in Japan, a movie about people struggling to communicate hits me right where I enjoy being hit. Throw in an absolutely dynamite cast, an awesome director (Forget 21 Grams and Amorres Perros, he directed Powder Keg in The Hire!), and I think this is going to be a phenomenal movie...for me. Let's score this out.

There are a number of good points here worth mentioning. First is that Brad Pitt is acting in a serious role. This doesn't seem so amazing until you look at a list of his recent movies. Oceans 11 and 12, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Friends, The Mexican, Spy Game, Snatch, and Fight Club. Before that it was some drivel, Meet Joe Black, and Se7en. Now I'm not saying these movies are bad, there are a lot of fun movies in there, but other than Se7en and to a lesser extent Fight Club, it looks a lot like the list of someone who chooses his movies based on what silly costumes, cool cars, or big guns he gets to play with if he signs on. They are all movies that I imagine would be really fun to work on, but there isn't a lot of meat there, nothing I would call a great film. Lot's of good movies, no great films. Despite all of this I find Brad Pitt compelling in all his movies, intensely charismatic, and capable of a degree of intensity that is not often matched. For those reasons, I think he will do a phenomenal job in this movie.

1 point for Babel for taking Brad seriously.

Next up is the fact that one of the stories takes place in Japan. I am in the final days of my love affair with Japan, and when I see these beautiful shots of Tokyo and I have been to these places, I can't help but want to see the movie. The shot of the two girls in their high school uniforms parting ways is just perfect, and captures something truly Japanese. In fact, that's what I like about all the Japan shots - each one is perfect, a moment's observation by someone who knows and loves the place.

1 point for each ridiculously short skirt, so 2 points for Babel. Score: 3.

The final part of this that speaks to me directly is the last title that comes on before the credits: If you want to be understood...listen. I feel like my blogs are spilling into each other, but that is something that I wish someone would tell all people who are thrown into situations that they don't understand. In this year I have listened more carefully than I may have ever before in my life, listening that tires you out at the end of the day and makes you learn ten new things every day - listening that with patience allows you to be understood. So that last bit - I wholeheartedly agree.

2 points to Babel for saying the truest thing I can think of. Score 5

Other things that deserve scores.

1 point for each beautiful location: Morocco, Mexico/the border, Japan. 3 Points. Score 8.

1 point for excellent typography and design, especially the title card. Score 9.

That leaves us at a mind boggling nine points for the Babel trailer. That is an unprecedented score, quite possibly never to be matched again. Go watch this trailer and agree with me.

You can agree with me here.

John Tucker Must Die

2006-07-26T00:14:00.000-04:00

Its almost funny how wrong things can go sometimes.

In 1975, the great experimental film-maker Alejandro Jorodowsky began pre-production on a film version of Frank Herbert’s Dune. Jorodowsky’s Dune was to be a 14-hour epic, starring Salvador Dali as the universe’s mad emperor, ruling from a toilet shaped throne on a solid gold planet. Duke Leto Atreides was a matador who had been castrated during ritual combat with a bull. Paul was to have been conceived miraculously, as the Duke’s blood inseminated his concubine. The Spice became a living blue sponge. H.R. Giger and Moebius were in charge of set and costume design. Pink Floyd was to compose a full original soundtrack. In the end of course, it was never made. There was never even a script. The producers found out Jorodowsky had spent almost two million dollars without shooting even a single frame of film. They pulled the plug.

The film rights bounced around for a couple years, until they eventually ended up with Dino De Laurentis. He in turn entrusted it to a young man who had released two films at that point. One was a nightmarish labor of love and the other a period drama which cemented him as a Hollywood director.

So David Lynch directed Dune.

And it was bad.

Like, really, really bad.

But it gets worse.

David Lynch gave up directing Return of the Jedi to direct Dune.

Sometimes, I like to pretend that I live in a world where Alejandro Jorodowsky’s Dune and David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi exist. It is not necessarily a world that makes much sense. It is a world that many would find strange and frightening. But it has to be a better world than one where this movie exists.

Thanks for listening.

Have a good night.

The Illusionist

2006-07-23T22:08:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Abysmal. Like I just shit myself and I don't even care because I am so disappointed with this trailer. This is an absolutely ridiculous trailer given the history of this story’s story.

The short story, written by Steven Millhauser, a friend and former creative writing professor of mine, is brilliant in every sense - a crafted metaphor for any daring artist. What happens when our talents begin to scare others? What occurs when our ability to mesmerize is misunderstood? Millhauser brilliantly details this challenge in 20 pages, but this trailer seems to indicate that director Neil Burger lost his way somewhere. Unfamiliar with the name Neil Burger? That's because he's an idiot.

The trailer looks like a high school-comedy group skit, not a movie. Poor accents, no substance and a fat kid (Giamatti) who seems the most entertaining. And Jessica Biel worthy of Eisenheim? She looks like she is: a typical large-lipped American girl – give me a break. At least cast Eva Green, Selma Hayek (that wouldn’t be hard given Mr. Norton bonks her), or Ashley Olsen – someone who can play the mysterious, sexual temptress – not some fucking Midwestern cheerleader.

The greatest thing that can happen in this movie would be if Eisenheim made Biel quit acting – or have Freddie Prinze fall from the sky and impale himself on her. The entire trailer feels campy – the only redeeming thing besides Giamatti talking with a very bogus Austrian accent is when Norton makes the apparition appear and then it shows Norton walking down the street doing his best Deniro Taxi Driver impression. It’s like, finally, “I’m a fucking magician you fucks, bring it on Pig Vomit.” I’m looking forward to the visuals of the film – the soft lights and Viennese sets – but the screen writing already feels forced and stilted. They should have let Millhauser finish his work and write his own script. The guy is a literary rock star.

It’s going to suck. Sad for Millhauser, but he will be comforted by his large, phallic Pulitzer Prize and his imagination – something that’s utterly lacking West of the california state line – you heard me, Dave Eggers and Pauley Shore.

Children of Men

2006-07-21T01:47:00.000-04:00

Being a Friday writer, I often get to write about the choice Friday trailer releases. Today is one of those days, and Children of Men is the trailer.

First of all, I had no idea what this movie was about, who was in it, who was directing - I didn't know anything until I read the "Drama, Action, Adventure" and starring Clive Owen. I was immediately interested, but had no idea what it was about. Rather than reiterate the trailer's voice over, I'll just encourage you to go watch this excellent trailer.

Now to talk about it. I like the trailer. No, I love the trailer. The art direction is excellent. The pacing is really good, even the typography on the text is fantastic. But as this is a good trailer, mostly it just makes me excited for the movie it is advertising. There are elements in this trailer of two movies that I really liked, but had some problems with: War of the Worlds, and 28 Days Later.

Without getting into extensive reviews, I loved the beginning of War of the Worlds, as society fell apart. The masses of people trying to escape something they don't understand, the complete breakdown of society, the brutal human nature showing itself alternately in ferocious mobs and moments of utter despair. I loved when the military mobilized against the aliens, the juxtaposition of convoys driving through small roads in New England, ignoring citizens and treating home soil as a battlefield. I wanted more of the mobs, more of the highways littered with crashed cars, people turned to animals over a gun, or a car. I was significantly less interested when they started sneaking around the tripods and using some yankee ingenuity to fight back. I was bored and annoyed when there was an "everything is ok, no one even go hurt" happy ending.

28 Days later was good, but it skipped the part I was most interested in. The guy wakes up after society has collapsed, everything is destroyed and there are zombies everywhere, and that's all well and good, but really I wanted to see those 28 days. I wanted to see London collapse, I wanted to see why that bus was on its side, I wanted to see some people trying to live normally as the world destroyed itself outside. War of the Worlds did it too quickly, and 28 days later implied and talked about exactly what I wanted to see, but couldn't show it.

Then there's the Children of Men trailer - it is exactly what I wanted to see. Women have all become infertile, and it's been 18 years since a baby was born. Society is halfway through tearing itself apart. A brutal police state is supressing the growing mob who know there is nothing left to live for, and that humanity will be gone in fifty years. Yes, yes, yes. There are tanks in the street, buses and trains all have reinforced windows, security checkpoints are everywhere, but there are still coffee shops and the news is on the air, reporting the end of the world. Clive "awesome" Owen and Michael "even more awesome" Caine are in it, and neither has shaved in a while. The tanks and troops are on the streets, and bombs are going off. The sets are fantastic, the future world looks spectacularly well realized, and in short, this trailer is delicious.

When they set up the conflict, that Clive has to drive a woman across England, I did actually chuckle a bit, and clearly there is no way he will fail. Clive, after all, got his big start driving BMWs really fast and really well. Though he has since acted in dozens of good movies, he is forever the nameless "Driver" to me.

Drive, Clive, Drive.

Note: At the time of writing, the HD link on the page I linked at the beginning is broken. You can find the trailers in glorious HD here.

Dead Man's Shoes

2006-07-20T00:40:00.000-04:00

I don’t have too much to say about this trailer aside from: enjoy.

The brits seem to have realized that what makes the best scary movies (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left, Zombi) really disturbing is making them so low budget that they are way, way too real.

It also helps to put someone onscreen who seems genuinely disturbed. Good job.

The Science of Sleep

2006-07-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

Watch the wonderous trailer here.

Michel Gondry knows my darkest thoughts. Recently, at a local brothel, I mentioned to a friend how desperately I wanted to see Gabriel Garcia Bernal run into an oak door. Gondry delivered. Plus, The Strokes “Fear of Sleep” is playing when he does it (I once ate a live catfish to that song – it has such an effect on me).

Surreal filmmakers, writers and artists need to lay their heads on Gondry's furry tummy and listen to his fairytales from Versailles, his stories of wanting to be an inventor and drumming for Kanye West. He's a brilliant man. If you’re unfamiliar with Gondry you’re mistaken – he’s created some of the most recognizable music videos of recent years. The White Stripes “The Hardest Button to Button,” The Chemical Brothers “I’ve been 12 forever,” and Daft Punk’s “Around the World,” to name a few mind-numbingly cool ones. He also directed Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which The Science of Sleep feels like a lower budget sketch for, even though it was produced after that film. For me the best thing about his imaginative projects is his willingness to steer clear of CG effects – it keeps the viewer in the movie and not distracted by bullshit. This way you can focus on the real questions: “What the fuck is going on in this surreal ass movie? Was that a seal smoking a spliff?” Even the fictional horse is merely a horse with a large cloth taped to his fur – brilliant work, Michel.

The trailer has the same feel as his trailer for Eternal Sunshine: there’s too much going on - all of it immensely entertaining - he’s simply showing too much. Yet any of his fans know that there will be so much more imagination, comedy and quirkiness in the film, he won’t let us down in that respect. The movie might suck toenail dirt, but the bizarreness and visual-brilliance will still be better than any other director.

If you laugh at things most people won’t admit to laughing at, e.g., Ayn Rand’s followers, fireflies, twenty-year-olds talking million-dollar real estate and Ethan Hawke’s writing career, then you’ll love this movie. I have every idea what I’m talking about.

The Prestige

2006-07-14T03:09:00.000-04:00

Finally, after a monster dry spell, a new big trailer shows up - and it's a good one. Christopher "I can kind of do no wrong" Nolan has put together a dynamite cast that is essentially the cast of Batman Begins plus Scarlett Johansson and Hugh Jackman. The story seems to be a period fantasy about two competing magicians, and the entire movie appears to be shot in pale yellow and brown. I would say this is a pretty good trailer, but I'm willing to bet that if there was more money there, or closer to the movie's release, we'll get something amazing. As it stands now, the beginning is a little weak, but the second half is gold, mostly due to Michael Caine's voice over.

What I like about this trailer is that it works on the same premise as a magic trick, as described by Mr. Caine. The first part - The Pledge - where the magician introduces the trick: That would be the text on the screen during the first bit establishing Hugh and Christian as competing magicians. The second part - The Turn - where things take a turn for the extraordinary: A trailer about a rivalry becomes a trailer about a man who may be a magician without tricks. And the third part - The Prestige - "this is the part that twists and turns. Where lives hang in the balance." That is just hinted at, magic tricks going wrong, things getting surreal and chaotic, and and then before you understand what is going on, it's over, and the show is over. Much like I imagine the magicians in this movie would perform a trick.

This does raise the question - Are magic tricks and trailers really just pure examples of short storytelling, a necessity due to their extremely limited time frame, or is this an especially nicely structured trailer?

I don't much care, I could just listen to Michael Caine say "The Prestige" all day.

Spider Man 3 Teaser

2006-07-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

He doesnt look like the victim of an Alien Symbiote.

He just looks the victim of bad lighting.

EDIT:

So, due to ~~Spiffae's nasty comment~~ Spiffae's rousing agreement on this post, I decided to go back and give the teaser another look. Guess what: I still can't get past the costume.

With the first film in the trilogy, Sam Raimi did something no other director had done at that point. He perfectly captured the movement of a character that we had only ever imagined moving. There was so much power and beauty in the way Spider Man moved, it replaced whatever we had pictured in our heads. This was truly a superhero come to life.

Because of this, I am not alone in saying I have been excited to see the Black Costume on screen since I saw the first trailer for Spider Man 1. I heard that they were saving it for the third movie and I am glad they did. It is no secret that I loathed Spider Man 2. The reasons need not be explained at length, it was just too scattered for my tastes. But ever since I have been secretly excited for 3. The Black Costume! Fanboys rejoice! Here was the Canon! Here was Venom and Carnage! And they give me this?

The black costume should be Night. It should be Darkness. It takes the basest impulses in the wearer and brings them to the surface. It should move like a shadow across the screen. It made Peter Parker from your friendly neighborhood Spider Man into a brutal judge, jury and executioner. It turned Eddie Brock into a Beast called Venom that really, really wanted to eat someone’s brains. And the best they can do is a different colored version of the original suit. It isn’t even totally black! The back of the head looks maroon in most of the shots!

If I was able to get past the suit, I would say that, as always, whoever edits the Spider Man trailers is an unqualified genius. From the very beginning they were perfect. Spiffae can testify that I made him watch the original Spider Man trailer upwards of ten times in a row before the release of the first film. That is not an exaggeration. Spider Man 2 had that car through the window sequence that was pure money. And Spider Man 3 is no exception. In a minute and 37 seconds they give you all the characters, their relationships, some great action shots, and reams of footage of the (hated) new costume. Kudos to the editor.

But that fucking costume…

The Great New Wonderful

2006-07-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Finally, after his breakout role in RV, Will Arnett is in a serious movie – and what a fucking atrocious movie it seems, too. I pray, pray, pray that at some point "Job" does a magic trick, or else the movie is a complete waste of your time. And the movie has such potential with the star-studded cast: Tony Shaloub, Edie "Leprosy Lover" Falco, Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan, one of my favorite comedians, all are in the roster. However, Edie Falco’s standup comedy is kinda crap – sorry Edie, but the whole, “You know what I hate about Whops…” lines are tired and frankly not very funny. I love your take on Puerto Ricans, however.

What I don’t understand about this movie is the association with September 11, 2001, besides that it was filmed in New York City. Otherwise it’s just boring and troubled people doing sometimes funny things, sometimes deeply sad. Existences are existences and I don’t need to pay $12 bucks to watch Maggie Gyllenhaal in a mid-life crisis (stick to roles like Secretary, which changed my sex life indelibly). “After everything that’s happened, I still cannot believe that nothing has changed,” says Falco. This seems to be the thesis of the film and the trailer.

You’re right, Director Danny Leiner, to some nothing has really changed. So what? Does it need to be the subject of two hours of film? And everything has changed, asshole. Look across the East River towards where those two giant towers full of many individuals used to stand and you’ll notice quite a tragic view. Oh and the whole war thing. I have an opinion that many, many Americans, Afghanis, and Iraqis would disagree with your assertion. So, stop being retarded and make a real movie. Here’s an idea, free of charge: a little-known blogger decides to marry an insecure Israeli model and start a rock band named “Smashboard Confessional.” They live a happy, highly sexually experimental existence until…his concert-death is tragic when a prank goes horribly awry – he swallows a pillow-full of milk. There you go – anything is better than The Great New Wonderful.

The Puffy Chair

2006-07-08T10:11:00.000-04:00

This is more a critique of odd marketing, but since trailers are pretty crucial in movie marketing, I will go about my business with only the usual burden of guilt and sorrow.

The Puffy Chair: The synopsis on apple.com goes like this:

Josh has failed at being a NYC indie rocker. Josh has failed at being a booking agent. Josh’s life is pretty much in the toilet. When he tries to figure out where it all went wrong he comes up with an idea that would be a small, yet life changing victory. He decides to purchase a 1985 Lazy Boy on eBay and deliver it cross-country.
Comedy

Sounds good so far - any movie whose trailer synopsis involves someone's life being in the toilet must be funny, right? Delivering a Lazy Boy cross country? Sounds a lot like the much-needed sequel to Road Trip.

Let's look at the trailer, play by play. Once they set up the story, we get the Daily Mirror telling us that this is "The funniest, hippest, twentysomething relationship drama of the year." First of all, I would raise the question - how many twentysomething relationship dramas are there a year? Five? That is like saying "The funniest, hippest, stock car racing comedy of the year" - it's not bad, but does it really mean anything? I posit that no, it does not. Immediately after that we get "Laugh out loud funny..." from Variety. What went where that ellipsis is? It seems like a perfect place for a qualifier, like "Laugh out loud funny, if you have no soul" or "Laugh out loud funny in an alternate universe where sad things are funny and make you laugh." - and that really gets to the core of what I am thinking about this trailer. This is not a funny trailer, it is a serious and kind of rough indie relationship trailer about unhappy people trying to be happy with each other.

Once the funny cards are past, the trailer essentially consists of a boyfriend making a nice dinner for his girlfriend, then he ignores her and gets on the phone and she smashes everything on the table. Ha ha. After that the same boy screams in the face of an old man over a piece of used furniture while his friend looks on. Hilarious. Then a card tells us this is one of the best American films of the past ten years, and then they end the trailer with this bit:

Boy (angrily): You want me to be this dude that I am not!
Girl: If you asked me to marry you right now, I would say yes. I would marry you and I would grow old with you and I would have your babies (she starts crying ) I would, because that's why I'm this relationship - because I love you. And I want that.

That is some comic genius. Watching that bit, which is done in a poorly lit room with a single handheld camera on this girl, I did not feel like I should chuckling to myself at the hip comedy of it all, I felt like I was watching a relationship come to that awful breaking point where one person puts everything out there, and suddenly there's a tremendous weight on everything you say and everything you do, and it's not funny at all.

So why market it as a comedy?

Trailer(apple.com)

Charlotte's Web

2006-07-05T23:59:00.000-04:00

Purity is not a word that I toss about too often. But there is purity in the writings of E.B. White.

Charlotte’s Web is a pure book. It is a polite book. It is a book with manners. It is a book that your grandmother probably gave you when you were 14 and too old to for it. But she wanted you to have it anyway because she thought your parents were raising you poorly and reading Charlotte’s Web would make you less of a shit. But at that point, you had probably read it or seen the excellent Hanna Barbara animated musical adaptation (I still love the song that Templeton and the Goose sing about a fair being “a veritable smorgasbord”) and if neither had an affect on you when you were younger you were probably hopeless. And your grandmother knew that. But she hoped. She saw they were making a big Hollywood adaptation of the book she so wanted you to love. Perhaps, here was a chance for your younger brother or sister at least to have a shot at a good life.

Then she saw the trailer.

Your grandmother does not think it is a classy thing when a cow farts on a rat. There is a distinct lack of purity in that act.

Note to Hollywood: They already made a classy live-action version of Charlotte’s Web. IT WAS CALLED BABE. We did this once already. You will not make a better movie about a pig, so why even try? I even chose a still from the Babe trailer as the frontispiece for this post. Admit it, you had no idea.

Grandma knew though, grandma knew.

The U.S. vs. John Lennon

2006-07-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

So, apparently there was a band named "The Beatles" and they had this front man, John Lennon. Now they're making a movie about his war efforts. I think this movie is going to be amazing: what happens when a total fucking wanker starts representing the anti-war movement? Lennon is a precursor to Cindy Sheehan, but you too can tell that he lacks her insight, her magnificent wit, her Wilde-ian demeanor - LENNON'S NOT CINDY, AND HE NEVER WILL BE (which is truly, truly sad).

In 1967 Lennon said, "We're more popular than Jesus now. Oh, and I'm a total douche." I can see where he's coming from - in the 1960s Jesus's ratings in US News and World Report were through the roof. I just love these anti-war movies -the last comment tying Mr. Johnson (LBJ) and Mr. Bush shows the true agenda of this filmic abortion. If you want to make a movie that tells people how awful war is, just hold a camera on the front page of the New York Times every morning for a year. I see enough of the awfulness on television and in the news, I don't want to pay $10 bucks to watch holier-than-thou John Lennon preaching his hippy bullshit. When will people realize that sometimes it takes seemingly-awful deeds to rectify future horror? Saddam Hussein: not a nice guy. Robert Mugabe: similar to Hussein, except more murder and severed children's heads being used as soccer balls. Ho Chi Minh: not a nice guy, would have declared war on all of the far East if he had the chance - oh, and he would anally rape John Lennon and his "Free Spirit" if he had the chance - and probably with a blunt spoon.

AD once told me, "Marc David Chapman was the greatest thing to happen to the Beatles." I think this is an insanely astute point. I don't really like their music. I think their appeal completely misses me. And the idea that a musician and his toss of a wife represent what we should want to be is laughable. Want to go see a great anti-war movie? 9 1/2 Weeks.

Little Man

2006-06-30T14:12:00.000-04:00

Fuck You, Wayans.

Ratatouille

2006-06-28T20:34:00.000-04:00

Brad Bird directs a second Pixar movie? It will be excellent, sign me up. It takes place in Paris? Again, sign me up. Snooty restaurants, french accents, and whining accordions? Movie gold. The entire first bit of this trailer pulls heavily on the fantastic kitchen seqence from The Little Mermaid, and I couldn't be happier. I hope the movie has crazy kitchen chase after crazy kitchen chase, but even if it doesn't, I know it will be good.

That said, I am not crazy about the trailer. I know that this is the way early not-from-the-movie trailer that pixar always does, the cars one was pretty bad, and that movie turned out fine. The Incredibles one was amazing, but let's face it - everything about that movie was amazing. The Ratatouille trailer starts off really well, I mean who doesn't want to see a kitchen get smashed up while a funny rat runs around, but when it cuts to the expositition, I'm less taken. I don't know much about the voice actor for the main guy, he has done a bunch of TV and small parts, and frankly his voice is kind of annoying when he's shouting to his dad. I trust that the decision is a sound one, and that the movie will be excellent, but the trailer in a vaccuum - it's not quite the magic it could be.

Final verdict: Trailer - 7 / Movie prediction - 10.

Watch the trailer here. (Apple.com)

This is a little early, as I am traveling again this Friday. Forgive me, boys.

Brothers of the Head

2006-06-25T22:51:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

The moment this trailer starts and Jonathan Pryce is on the boat, I really hoped it was a movie about Oasis and not about two freakish, conjoined twins and their punk rock career. I mean, honestly, what the fuck? "Hi, I'm an independent film director and I want to make a movie about 'space docking,' it's when a guy takes a dump in his girlfriend's vagina." Yeah, that's what I think of the depths some directors will go to shock you into seeing total shit. Just. Make. A. Quality. Movie. Like Jimmy Fallon does, for instance. Enough of this crap.

However, Brothers of the Head is a movie of immense stupidity, and on that note: go do your laundry or clean your fridge or masturbate. Seriously, you haven't done it in a while and you don't want waste two hours of your precious life (please don't masturbate for two hours - that's bound to get painful). It's not the subject matter entirely that irks me, it's the exploitive marketing behind it. One of the taglines is "For some people, rock and roll will always be a freak show." Nice, Toni Grosoni (the writer of the screenplay), way to allow your work - and the novel BOTH was based on - to be royally pissed on.

You know that moment in Braveheart when Angus Macfadyen, playing Robert the Bruce, stands on the battlefield and stares at the camera after a horrific fight, looking dishonored at the death and ghastly nature of humanity? You know that scene? Yeah, that's how I feel about this trailer: Oh Holy God, what have we done?

Monster House

2006-06-23T12:41:00.000-04:00

Wednesday's Post, two days overdue:

When the trailer first dropped for Monster House, I must admit I was underwhelmed. Sure it looks pretty, but honestly, when anyone other than Pixar makes animated CG movies, it is like watching someone other than Kobayashi win a hot dog eating contest. Sure the same elements are there, but where’s the love?

Then I found out that a certain fellow named Rob Schrab wrote and had the initial concept for the film. This made things a bit more interesting. Mr. Schrab wrote one of the finest comic book series of the 90s, Scud the Disposable Assassin. It was like John Woo, Quentin Tarintino, and Sam Peckinpah got together and made some crazy android baby that wrote a comic book. If you have the opportunity to read the collections, go for it.

So it was with more interest that I watched this new trailer for Monster House. It is very similar to the older trailer, but contains one significant difference: The funniest joke I have seen in a trailer in a year. I wont transcribe it here, but it involves Baseball and Mental Retardation. You’ll know it when you hear it.

Spiffae is in the wilds of Tokyo, so I will be posting for him this evening or tomorrow morning. Keep you eyes peeled.

Once in a Lifetime

2006-06-18T14:47:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Many people think soccer is a sport for "flaming sissies," "big vaginas" and, erm, "the British." But in the 1970s it became a sexy game. This is not a joke. In England George Best was doing drugs, going out to all the clubs - he was a major rockstar. Same with Beckenbaur, Cryuff and Pele. As we are in the midst of the 2006 World Cup, people are beginning to take a liking to this sexy game once again. I get hot just thinking about Henry, Zidane, Ronaldinho and Beckham. And Rooney makes me wish I was a skanky British slag just for one kiss on his sweet, be-acned face.

This movie will be a hit - albeit a small hit - but an independent success, especially since it will be released two days before the World Cup Final next month. And, as luck would have it, the day Babe Ruth got his Masters in Medieval Art History. Recipe for glory, methinks.

The trailer for Once in a Lifetime is a let down, however, and doesn't make it as bloody awesome as it absolutely will be. The first third of this trailer is stupid and makes the movie seem like a joke - it's a great story that true soccer fans know - the plight of the initial "Dream Team." Even soccer novices should and will enjoy the film. Beckenbaur, Pele, even Ozzie Ardilles and Chinaglia, the most overrated soccer player in history, all played in the green and white of the New York Cosmos. For me what is wrong with this trailer is its lack of sincerity. Anybody who was alive in the 1970s and remembers this team and this time should be angry at the bullshit voiceover in the trailer. Stupid sentences like, "The glamour..." "The Greed..." "And that's just the first half." The trailer is weak because it doesn't show half the skills and great goals that players on the Cosmos scored. It would be like making a movie about Nascar and not showing any of the crashes. Pele scored 111 goals for them in about four seasons (gasp, vomit), but the trailer only has one of his goals and none of his phenomenal dribbling skills.

Once - just once in my life - I want to hear a voiceover say one sentence at the end of the trailer: "This. Movie. Will. Fuck. You. Hard."

Casino Royale

2006-06-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

When Daniel Craig was announced as the next James Bond, some people were upset. I'm not sure why, I guess they liked Pierce Brosnan's limp-wristed sashaying around the world's tourist spots, bedding improbably willing women and every once and a while getting punched in the face. Bond movies have always been big on the camp and sense of fun, but with Brosnan at the wheel it was like everyone was in on a big joke, and that joke stopped being funny a long time ago.

So Daniel Craig came on the scene, a younger fellow, sharp looking and only a couple of roles under his belt (he was excellent in Layer Cake and Munich). There was some talk of re-gritting up the series, making it rougher and more realistic, going back to the early Bond books, and getting a fresh start. This trailer certainly started out right. Snappy black and white, not a lame cliche in sight, Daniel Craig looking super effing cool, and then right at the halfway point - poof. A stupid color montage of dumb action, that damn dated music, and like seven shots of ladies and men getting out of the water. If Casino Royale were directed by Doug Liman, shot entirely in black and white, involved brutal beatings and executions, it might be good. As it is, it looks like a pastiche of James Bond, caught between wanting to be edgy and wanting to be campy, with a trailer cut by someone who watched to footage, was disappointed because it was bad, and decided to spend the first half of his alloted time using random odds and ends to set up a look that will be sorely lacking from the final film.

Watch the trailer here.

I read this back over, and it's pretty harsh. In truth, I hold a little hope for this movie, mostly because Daniel Craig reminds me of Steve McQueen in his youth, and when I try to imagine a Steve McQueen James Bond, it's so awesome that I have to stop thinking about it before my head explodes.

Princess

2006-06-15T09:28:00.000-04:00

Check out this staggeringly awesome teaser. Turn down your volume, its loud.

There is a longer, very NSFW trailer for this Danish film, which can be found with little effort. I am not posting a direct link to the longer one, because it is not in a language you probably know. If they release a subtitled version it will get a more complete write-up here.

But for now, just enjoy this teaser. I am not going to tell you what the film is about or what to expect when you click on the link. Just know it is very short and very amazing.

The Groomsmen

2006-06-11T14:10:00.000-04:00

View The Groomsmen trailer here.

If premature ejaculation were a trailer, The Groomsmen’s trailer would be running out of the bedroom murmuring about drinking too much and wanting to go back to its apartment and watch ESPN or Geraldo or some shit. This trailer isn’t good. In fact, the trailer seems to be leaking The Big Chill. It's trying to have Jay Mohr with the humor of a Vince Vaughn and the stupidity of Will Farrell, but it’s Matthew Lilliard. Who wants to pay money for this shit? What is John Leguizamo thinking? Is this a movie actually DIRECTED by Ed Burns?

If one genre is a chick flick, this is most definitely a dick flick. Guys confronting change – really good looking guys, one of whom is with Brittany Murphy. Yeah, that happens. A bunch of guys rolling into the days of Viagra, Preparation H, and Martha Stewart who decide to play in a rock band one last time – I can just see myself at the movies, sitting next to my dad’s bowling team and wanting to vomit as Matthew Lilliard strums his career-ruined guitar. Maybe Pauley Shore will make a cameo and shit on the drums.

Cosmic suspension of disbelief: In the trailer, Lilliard calls his kids his “homeboys.” Jay Mohr plays a violent brother who gets into fights…Ed Burns knows how to golf (watch this scene close, Burns’ massive wad is totes sticking out, male camel toe….How do guys in their early 30s afford this lavish lifestyle? Boating, nice houses, golf, restaurants that are not Red Lobster, Britanny Murphy? Their existence is impossible; this movie is bullshit.

The last scene of the trailer – which is trying desperately to be funny – sums up the film for me. To illustrate my feelings: I just had my penis stepped on my Ed Burns. Hard. That’s right, Private Reiben stepped on my nads with his crappy movie with actors I once liked. You heard me, Spawn, you. heard. me.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

2006-06-09T09:46:00.000-04:00

Well here's a brilliant idea. You can only watch the trailer between 10:00 PM and 4:00 AM. What genius came up with that piece of marketing? If I'm interested in a movie and the trailer comes out, when I click the link I want to see the goddamn trailer. Here is a little fuck you to whoever came up with this marketing coup.

24 hour link to the large trailer

Since I am late to writing this and it is 10:46, I can watch it and comment on it, and it is my great displeasure to say that the trailer is actually pretty good and full of nice sound work, good editing, and excellent visuals. Probably though, if I were to see it when I am wide awake and not tired, I would see through the flimsy production and realize that this is a terrible trailer, but since I can only see it half asleep, I think it's pretty good. May this actually was a good idea. They should only show the movie from 10 to 4, that way no one would ever see the movie fully cognizant of what was going on, and thus would report that it was good. That's actually an idea - you could probably manufacture a movie to appeal to people who are really tired, calm music, peaceful, sleepy images, and then flashes of shocking horror to keep you awake. Holy shit I think I just figured it out. The trailer starts with a damn lullaby, for Christ's sake.

Five stars for marketing genius.

I still won't see this movie though.

Trailer page (from 10pm to 4am)

The Lost City

2006-06-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

Cuba

Havana.

Ha-ba-na.

Havana is Españolish for "drenched in sweat".

The trailer for Out of Time caused me to effeminately fan myself in the theatre. The trailer for The Quiet American made me dizzy and a little sick to my stomach. After seeing the Lost City trailer before the superlative Brick (if we reviewed whole movies, I couldn't speak highly enough of Brick) I had to be hospitalized for heat stroke.

Aside from my bizarre psychosomatic maladies, this is a great trailer. For me, there are two kinds of great trailers. One kind makes me desperately want to see the film advertised, e.g. trailers for The Matrix Reloaded, The Incredibles, and the aforementioned Brick. The other kind of great trailer makes me feel as I have watched and enjoyed a movie I would never see. There is nothing about the film The Lost City that appeals to me, but its trailer is a long, gorgeous classic. It slides effortlessly from pathos, to action, to mambo and back again. The last thirty seconds, starting with the lovely Inés Sastre whispering, “Time is not on our side” and ending with the title card…perfect.

Whattya know? Crank up the A/C folks, I just convinced myself to go see the damn movie.

By the way, this is our 50th post. I would like the thank our readers for getting us here, but really Mert wrote like 35 posts in a row while Spiffae and I climbed K2. Thanks, Mert.

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-06-05T19:18:00.000-04:00

View Little Miss Sunshine trailer here.

Seldom do trailers come along that make me want to say, “Fuck. Google. Yes.” Seldom does a trailer come along starring Wesley Snipes that makes me say, “Fuck. No!” Some of the previous comments are neither here nor there, but this dark and hilarious trailer blows my mind. The orchestral/violin opening is moving and enticing. And the trailer is riddled with jokes that seem, well, not really like jokes at all – hence the essence of my favorite type of humor: “Should I laugh or should I cry?” “Is this absurd or normal?” “Can suicide be funny?” Hell yes.

Steve Carell, fresh off of his brilliant performance as Michael Scott in the American Office, which has earned him a pantload of prizes, is made for a role like this – it tests the mettle of all comedians to see them play the tragic-comedian. Will Ferrell tried and failed in Winter Passing, Jim Carey succeeded in Man on the Moon, and Mork did pretty well in It’s Not Your Fault, Will, It’s Not Your Fault. This seems to be the opportunity for Carell to prove his stuff, and I’d wager he will fucking rock the mic.

Jonathan Dayton and Victoria Faris - the directors of Little Miss Sunshine - are perhaps more well-known for directing “Mr. Show.” They also did a little known MTV show called “The Cutting Edge” some time ago (it was sorta a big deal – like hotcakes and butter and pushpins). It’s nice to see that they recognize what many of us already knew: Steve Carell is an extremely gay man. His opening conversation with the silent Paul Dano is brilliant, and oozing with “I’m pretty gay” sentiments. And the second conversation with Abigail Arkin at the dinner table about his “accident” is deeply moving. Oh, and really, really gay.

This is a fantastic trailer. The film is supposed to be astonishing says all of the anorexic blowhards at Sundance. We shall see.

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

2006-06-02T09:05:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Friday, for your weekly dose of positivity and happiness. This week we'll be talking about the new Pirates of the Carribean trailer, mysteriously absent from the Apple.com trailer page. I don't know if it's new or old, only that it looks and feels good and expensive.

Like many, I was surprised by the first PotC (ha ha) movie, surprised in a good way, and I have been curious to know how the sequel will pan out. Gore Verbinski is directing again, which I think is a good thing. Bear with me for a second. Did anyone else think Gore Verbinski was an old famous director? I just looked him up on IMDB, and his first real movie was made in 2001. Now his filmography has some movies that people don't like, but I liked The Mexican, and I liked The Ring (which I now remember thinking was directed by an old famous director). I didn't see The Weather Man, but maybe I will. Anyway, about the trailer.

This is an epic trailer. I don't know what it is about it, I'm guessing mostly just a lot of money went to the editing house that made this. The last trailer I remember with this kind of polish was the Chalie's Angels: Full Throttle trailer. Man, that was an embarassing sentence to write. Either way, this trailer feels like it's ten years long, but in a good way. It runs for two minutes, but in those two minutes, it jumps to dozens of locations, nearly every shot is full of really top-end special effects, the sound mix is huge and bombastic, and the images are gorgeous in a fun sort of way. The trailer very well could end at 1:15 seconds, but then it keeps going, getting bigger and bigger and frankly capturing exactly the feel we'd expect of a PotC sequel.

One other thing. There are two jokes in this trailer, both delivered by Johnny Depp, both just brilliant. It's been a while since a trailer actually made me laugh, but the last line in this trailer got me. I knew it was coming, I saw the setup a mile away, but still. It's that good. He really is fantastic in that character, isn't he?

Either way, do yourself a favor and fire this up in HD, and then come see this movie with me when it comes out.

Trailer (disney.go.com)

Wednesday's Update

2006-06-01T10:00:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I dropped the ball yesterday and there will be no mid-week update this week. But please, return next wednesday for a double review of The Lost City and The King, two trailers that make me sweat just watching them.

Who Killed the Electric Car?

2006-05-29T15:17:00.000-04:00

Who cares.

View the trailer here.

A technological dream deferred, nay forgotten. Shame on us. Automobiles spew smog? Oh, the shame! The right wing, corporate-driven government doesn’t want cheaper cars for the world’s population? No way! All of these blatantly obvious things spell “total shock” to a “total fucking retard.” This trailer sucks.

In the 1990s, the California Air Resources Board (CARB) began to require automakers to make more eco-friendly automobiles. This request was quickly rolled back. Is anyone really surprised? These are cars that require us - the buyers and drivers of automobiles, the purchasers of gasoline - to spend less, give less and require less. As great as it all sounds to us to spend little and live healthier, it’s the same thing as cigarettes, trans fats (whatever that means), junk food, cancer, etc. – the answers are out there, the problem is the people with money and greed (everyone) doesn’t want to stop making money and satiating greed. We destroy the world and each other, it's bloody addictive. I respect the motive of this genre of documentary film: the ones where they show fast food is bad, cigarettes kill, we’re destroying the earth, penguins don’t need to be raped, etc. But honestly, WE ALL KNOW IT, and we’re gonna keep fucking up – we’re human, we’re selfish. That doesn't mean stop making informative, warning films - just do it differently. Spurlock is an idiot, but Supersize Me was so stupid, so weird, that it actually worked for a lot of people and has taken a sliver of McDonald's profits. Spurlock is still a hillbilly idiot.

“People who control the marketplace today – THE OIL COMPANIES – have a strong incentive to discourage alternatives.” Gee, is that news? “Hi, I’m from planet earth. Have we met?” Yes, it's official: I just quoted David Spade, that's how bad this trailer is. “$100 trillion dollars is left to be made in the oil industry.” Actually, more is left to be made if we go into more wars and overcharge morons. The Western World profits off of strife. Duh.

I’m no Republican, but when they target the government that ruined the future of the electric car, why do they show a Republican president who was elected four years after the car was ditched and his secretary of state? Where’s Clinton? Where’s Albright? This ain't simply con-da-sleeza. Can we have a unanimous blame, please?

I don’t have much more to say about this trailer, except as I sit and watch it over and over, I can’t help but think there will be ten angry, jobless New Yorkers at the movie, on their way to a Ralph Nader tofu party at some hippy’s Upper East Side apartment that also serves as an “Artist studio” where they all read Daniel Quinn and forget how they got there. That's a run-on sentence of hate, peeps. These are the same people who follow Michale Moore around and regulary suck off Ralph Nader in the name of communism.

The world sucks, it’s selfish. Just ride a bike; stop whining about a stupid electric car. Take the money you spent on this obvious movie, Sony Pictures, and send it to Darfur. Christ.

This post was written by Mert Menglemeir, and posted for him by Accidentally Disastrous.

The Namesake

2006-05-27T03:10:00.000-04:00

I'm probably going to be fired from this blog soon for writing positive reviews about movies I plan on seeing, but hey, I found another one.

The thing I love about trailers is how easy it is to discover something with a huge potential to entertain. Today I saw The Namesake at the top of the trailers list and gave it a click. A whole bunch of foreign names and Romance/Comedy nearly deterred me, but I figured what the hell. It's only a couple minutes.

So a coming of age story about a traditional Indian family living in New York, the son who wants to be with new people, a tragedy in the past, tearful moments in the rain - sounds boring as hell, and yet it works. Not only is the trailer quite good, but it really looks like the movie will be good too. I can't put my finger on why. It's got a nice hook at the beginning, the music is good throughout, and the humor is sharp - I wouldn't call it sophisticated, but it's quiet and somewhat subtle, and the timing is right. I like seeing a movie full of faces I don't know, and I like that it takes place in New York. I've watched it four or five times now, and I still can't figure out exactly why it is that this trailer works so well, and why over the ending montage of images that are not particularly breathtaking or amazing, I get goosebumps. Someone with a lot of skill cut this trailer, and in doing so reminded me why I like watching trailers so much.

High-Def Trailer (Apple)

Ghost Rider

2006-05-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

The trailer looks dumb. So does Ghost Rider. Sorry to ruin it.

While a skeleton engulfed in flames look marvelous on the printed page, it does not translate well to live action. Especially not when that action is a skeleton hand is zipping up a zipper.

Furthermore, would it have killed them to play "Bad to the Bone"? Logic dictates that if there is a motorcycle anywhere on screen at any time, Bad to the Bone should be playing. As you watch the trailer, imagine the song kicking in right as the hand zips up the zipper. Actually, cue the song to about 8 seconds and start it during the black out before the zipper, and let it play through the rest of the trailer. There. Much better.

Two Cool Things

- Jumping a motorcycle over six Blackhawks on a football field? Awesome. That is the only word for it. I love the fact that Cage's friend tells him he is lucky to be alive after falling off his bike (see above). If I was Nick Cage I would be all: "I think I am lucky to be alive because I didn't fall on top of a fucking helicopter!"

- Sam Elliot. I wish this man lived in my head and narrated my life. I would smoke 8 packs a day if I thought I could get a voice like his. You get a little more of him in the International Teaser than in the domestic if you decide to watch one or the other. If he is the narrator of the film, it may actually be watchable.

Oh, and nice hairpiece, Nick. You look like a twat.

The Lake House

2006-05-20T11:56:00.000-04:00

View trailer here.

A tagline for this movie is “How do you hold on to somebody you never met?” It should be, “Walk away - seriously, we've let you down before, we'll let you down again - go see Brick.” You'll notice early in the over-sentimental and mundane trailer, the dog sitting next to Bullock (who laughably plays a doctor – Bullock, not the dog; the dog plays a Sapphic poet). This is innovative by director Alejandro Agresti: that dog is you, the viewer, bored out of your mind, wondering if you left the iron on or why you’re skipping work for the tenth day in a row. “Who do you know who could be a dildo model?" you ask. "Is it boring for dildo model’s girlfriends when they see the model’s real penis?” These are some of the thoughts in your, or that dog’s, mind as you sit through the trailer. Another thought is: What the hell furnishes this lake house? It literally looks like Cameron’s house from Ferris Bueller, sans furniture, beds and good actors. Suspension of disbelief…again, Bullock plays a FUCKING DOCTOR.

The disarming amount of voice-overs is probably just a sliver of the mind-numbing voice-overs that will occur during the movie – these aren’t creative thinkers, people, this isn’t Colombo or Lansbury, it’s Bullock and Reeves. Like seeing the thoughts of a stupored catatonic at a Bergman film. Notice the dog. It travels with both Reeves and Bullock in different scenes. Let me guess: the dog comes out of the woods and befriends the star-crossed lovers? Yeah, that’s “beautiful, seductive even.” If this were reality, that dog would get mauled by a grizzly bear or struck by lighting or cast in a very stupid movie…oh wait, it did. Next stop, Speed V, the dog that couldn’t stop licking it’s own testicles…sort of like Keanu Reaves' career. (Snap? Snap.)

Perhaps the worst thing for this movie is its utter lack of Humor. How could they not have humor? Are all these letters totally serious? Is there never a time at the lonely lake house when Keanu writes, “How’s your day? FYI - I wanna postal fuck! LOL!” I’m just saying, the lake house must get lonely….

Christopher Plummer wondering why he can't just play another evil puritan asshole.

In closing, I’m so happy they took the Keane song, “Somewhere Only We Know,” and used it in the trailer (not-so-subliminal message). Keanu Reeves was probably at Starbucks starring at a bland muffin when he heard the song. Way to ruin one of my favorite albums of 2005, you pricks. On the down-low, this movie does have something going for it that you probably didn’t see coming – the world record for longest on-screen act of bestiality – this, dear reader, will set The Lake House apart as not just a movie, but a tragic love story with two heroes and a small fur-trulescent dog.

The Devil Wears Prada

2006-05-20T08:27:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a good few days for trailers. The Devil Wears Prada, World Trade Center, The King - three genuinely surprising and excellent trailers. I'll stick with the one that I expected the least to like. I had heard about the book; fashiony chick-lit, written by a woman who worked at vogue for a while. It sounded like a book about a bunch of nasty girls writing about expensive clothes, saying nasty things about each other, and one nice girl getting picked on, and at the end she probably tells everyone off and makes them feel bad before storming out onto the street and hailing a cab with a big smile on her face, ready to conquer the world. A song starts, the camera cranes up, and the credits roll. I'll put a five spot on that.

It's the ultimate movie to make a bad trailer for too - some snappy pop soundtrack, the same narrator as every other chick flick trailer, a quick montage of pretty faces, a hot boy, maybe two seconds where they cut the music and make a joke about bodily functions, cut to title which is enthusiastically read by the announcer, the end.

Instead, we've got something different. The trailer is coherent. It has a narrative. The entire first minute is entirely without music, the entire trailer is without snappy text or jumpy cuts. The music comes on, not pop, not some new alt-country-metal-jazz that the kids like these days, but a simple plucked double bass and some percussion. The story (gasp!) continues over the music, still no narrator, still no montage - and over some snazzy guitars, Meryl Streep arrives. 40 seconds after the music started, it stops, and that's it for the trailer. The makers of this trailer decide to rely on the strength of their material to make this a good trailer - and holy moses it is.

Everyone is great in this trailer, but special honors go to Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep. Stanley Tucci is playing the same gay fashionista who appears in every single movie or TV show about fashion, but something about his giant black collar, round glasses, creased and expressive face and the way he hides and says "who is this?" is just excellent. I want to see more of him.
Meryl Streep - well, they are lucky she is as good as she is. This whole movie will turn on whether or not she embodies that utter bitch of a boss she's supposed to play, and my god does she do it. She is perfect and wonderful to watch - ever line, every look, every gesture. A couple weeks ago I wrote about the Superman trailer and how much I liked Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor - he was magnetic and charismatic and the fact that he was evil was a big part of his appeal. Meryl Streep's character is the same way. She's cold and mean and unforgiving, and I just want to see more. I want to see a spin-off TV show where she just sits at her desk and tells various people why they suck for half an hour. I want to see this movie.

I love the downer ending this trailer has. It's just great to see the hopeful young girl get shut out and turned away after all that buildup. Stanley Tucci makes a snide remark, and that's that. Brilliant.

One pet peve. Anne Hathaway has the "stand up in your seat and cheer, girls" line: "Um, you're right. I don't fit in here. I'm not skinny, or glamorous, but I'm smart. I learn fast, and I will work very hard." It's probably right from the book, but it just doesn't work here. While she may not be playing a glamorous character, Ann Hathaway is not only a strikingly beautiful woman, she has the most glamorous name I think I've ever heard. Not skinny? Look at this picture.

Beware, boys and girls - this is the new face of fat.

Why does the main character of a chick flick always have to pretend like she's ugly when clearly she's a gorgeous movie star?

The Proposition

2006-05-17T15:06:00.000-04:00

At first glance, The Proposition looks another tale of the hard-scrabble men who kill to live and live to kill. But to the trained eye, the eye that has LEARNED to SEE, it is so much more. What is that name under “written by”? Well, bless my soul its NICK fucking CAVE.

CAVE’s heady style of Americana Gothic Rock and Roll has blessed this earth for nigh on five and twenty years. If you haven’t heard it, I pity you. All he does is so gloriously violent and frighteningly over the top that it almost seems as if he jests. But don’t you DARE laugh, by god, for CAVE speaks WORDS that you MUST hear.

For when that day of rapture comes, Those Who Follow CAVE will be taken in the right hand of THE MASTER, while those who do not shall be cast DOWN, DOWN past the fires of hell to a place where all is screaming wind and wet, ever-grasping darkness. I can offer only a poor attempt to ape CAVE’s words, here is the real thing.

From CAVE’s novel, And the Ass Saw the Angel

“It was his brother who tore the caul on that, the morning of their birth, as if that sole act of assertion was to set an inverted precedent for inertia of his life to come, Euchrid, then unnamed, clutched ahold of his brother’s heels and slopped into the world with all the glory or an uninvited guest.

The noon-day sun spun in the sky like a molten bolt that hammered down upon the tin roof and tarred plank sides of the shack. Inside sat Pa, at this table, surrounded by his ingenious contraptions of springs and steel, sweating midst the bleeding heat while greasing his traps and trying, in vain, to closet his ears from the drunken ravings of his wife, who lay sprawled and caterwauling in the back seat of the old burnt-out Chevy. Pride of the junk-pile, that car, sitting of bricks out back of the shack, like a great shell shed in disgust by some outsized crawler.

There, in the squirms of labour, his bibulous spouse shrieked against the miracle that swelled and kicked inside her as she sucked on a bottle of her own White Jesus, rocking the Chevy on its stilts and moaning and screaming, screaming and a-moaning, 'Pa! Pa-a! Pa-a-a!,' until she heard the shack door open and then the shack door shut, whereupon she took leave of the morning and passed into unconsciousness.

‘Too pissed to push,’ Pa would tell Euchrid later.”

Get excited.

Down in the Valley

2006-05-14T23:02:00.000-04:00

Mert is at AD’s casa and so they’ve decided to write up the Down in the Valley trailer as a joint effort. We hope this little experiment is as exciting for you as it is for us.

Check out the trailer here.

AccidentallyDisastrous: If the filmmaker’s goal was to make a movie that would be totally unattractive to me, they have succeeded with flying colors. There are many EdNorton’s and the “insecure crazy loner EdNorton who seems kind at first, but is seriously fucked”™ is my least favorite one.

MertMenglemier: Dude, I know. In late 2006, Norton will star in “The Illusionist,” where he plays a cowboy-magician-Nazi who has a homosexual crush on a guy named Ennis – I know, sounds “totes awesome” right? But get this, he’s a paraplegic cowboy and Wolf Blitzer directs it – it’s new territory, but it should be “totes good.” What do you think the impetus is for Norton leaving the loveable ranch to come to the city?

AccidentallyDisastrous: I have to assume that his career as the lead singer of the Stray Cats forced him to move from his mountain homestead into the city where he hooks up with the daughter of the guy from The Rock. But its all gonna go bad, as anyone who has seen the preview can attest.

MertMengelmier: It’s weird to think that a cowboy fucking your thirteen-year-old daughter would piss someone like David Morse off – he always plays such calm, gentle guys (The Rock, Twelve Monkeys, Indian Murderer David Morse: Killer in White Haired Body) but then again, the movie is called, “Down in the Valley,” which clearly is an allusion to the Ishiguro short story “Cowboy come from Valley, make like dragon and steal a Culkin.” What do you think, AD, have you read that?

AccidentallyDisastrous: There are not a lot of actors I like less than Keiran Culkin. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t in this movie. Just seeing one of the Culkin’s makes me relive that half-hour I spent watching The Secret Lives of Altar Boys. Seriously though, doesn’t this movie come out six times a year?

MertMengelmier: Actually, yes, it’s like Hard Candy meets Brokeback Mountain meets Fear meets Varsity Blues. It’s Indie tripe with a big name actor. The only reason I’d go with you to this if you asked me is if they were handing out Nerf baseball bats in the theater. That way, I could beat you with it and then myself for having seen another filmic abortion at your urging. I’m hungry; you know the time is coming for the final verdict on Down in the Valley of Boredom – we need to get drunk at dinner and hit on bland Thai waitresses.

AccidentallyDisastrous: Lets agree to agree. Some days we all just want to step out of our own heart, and go walking under sky full of stars.

MertMengelmier: Touche – and on this journey, lets shoot a cowboy and make him sing Train songs – just because that’s how we roll. Peace.

Lady In The Water - Trailer 2

2006-05-12T23:59:00.000-04:00

I'm no friend of M. Night Shiyamaland's. I find his movies plodding, his twist endings juvenile and ill-considered, and his stories contrived. Despite sucking big time, Mr. Shymalaman's films are often beautiful, they get stellar casts and always have good moments to them. On top of that, their trailers are often quite excellent as they rely on some nice music, austere images, and they don't have a weak twist ending. The trailers are good, but that doesn't mean I can get down with the man. The worst thing about M. Night. Shamalamadingdong is that he seems so full of himself. He hit his first one out of the park with The Sixth Sense, yes - but since then it has seemed like he is too sure of himself. I hear he writes a script in one shot. I've articles claiming that Shaymalanmalan writes a shitty first draft and then starts shooting, relying on other people to fix his dumb mistakes and bad ideas. On top of that, he puts himself in all of his movies for a little cameo. M. Night - Hitchcock did it first, and he did it better. M. Night just seems to be the guy who thinks he can do no wrong, and let me tell you: He has wronged, and he will wrong again.

That said, I have to say, this trailer seems to indicate that The Lady in the Water could be better than the previous efforts. I like the back-story behind it (It was a story he made up to tell his daughter before she went to bed, and it kept expanding and he decided there was a movie there), it apparently has no twist ending, and it stars Paul Giamatti - who I'm sure at least one of the writers of this blog hates, but I like. It's definitely floating in on this latest magical realism fad, but hey, I'll bite. The trailer is pretty, the story is vaguely set up, and I'm interested - which is, in a nutshell, what the trailer set out to do.

There's one moment, where the Lady in question shouts something while Paul carries her, and no matter how many times I watch it to see what she's trying to say, it sounds like "Cleveland to run!" which might make sense in some sort of road race, but doesn't make much sense in context.

Also, M. Night, get the fuck out of your trailer:
Trailer Here (apple.com)

Drawing Restraint 9

2006-05-10T21:23:00.001-04:00

First:
Go watch this trailer.
Watch it with the sound very loud.
Watch it full screen and sit very close.
That is probably as much of Drawing Restraint 9 as you will ever watch.
That is probably as much of Drawing Restraint 9 as you will ever need to watch.
Also, that is as much of the film’s soundtrack you will ever need to hear.

I love everything about this trailer. From the kid vomiting the giant prawn, to Barney’s logo rendered from whale blubber; from the garbage bag full of grubs to the insane title screen. It is an undeniably beautiful preview, for what is almost certainly an interminably boring film. I love watching the trailers for Mr. Barney’s films because they speak of such wonderful promise that the films themselves can never live up to.

But through it all, did you notice how perfectly calm and comfortable Björk looks? This film is clearly not one of Barney’s impenetrable metaphors for the cycles of creation and destruction inherent in our lives; he just followed Björk around for a day and filmed the kind of shit she gets up to! She is wearing that huge fur hood with her shaved eyebrows like it is a damn baseball cap!

It’s an art film. Why go to any trouble to see it? You have all you need from it right here.

I say again:
Watch this trailer.
Watch it loud.
Watch it close.
Consider yourself enriched.

Confetti

2006-05-09T19:23:00.000-04:00

Watch the trailer here.

Well, it’s Christopher Guest meets the Full Monty, I suppose. A British "mockumentary" about people who want to win the title of “The Most Original Wedding of the Year.” Like all decent and recent films of this, erm, ilk, this one seems to be right on in its joke targets – the hilarity and sometimes absurdity of a wedding. I’m going to a wedding later this month where the first day everyone has to wear white as they play croquet and whip slaves. I mean, c’mon! I have no issues with weddings per se, but I can see how the buildup can get way out of hand and quickly veer the whole thing onto the wrong path with less-than-graceful guidance. (I once saw a flower girl eat half a table cloth after a dare).

The actors in this film improvised everything within their laid out scenes (a la "Curb Your Enthusiasm")– so when the naturalist fiancé (Robert Webb, no relation to Robert McNamara – just in case you were thinking that, dumbass) comes out naked in front of his soon-to-be mother-in-law and she cannot speak at the sight of his dong and he says, “Mrs. Roberts? I suppose now I should call you “Mum.” Pleasantry?” That is all improvised, and amazing – a great trailer moment and a nice break from the practiced lines of many blockbuster trailers.

Many people will know Martin Freeman’s improv talent from the British Golden Globe-winning series “The Office.” Also very much in line with “The Office” is the British talent of embarrassment, and this film seems to hit embarrassing humor right on the button. The only thing I worry about in a film like this – improv in set out scenes – is the danger for dialogue. I know a lot of people who like "Curb Your Enthusiasm" – I hate it – but that show fails (barely) when Larry David and the characters around him cannot supply the best dialogue to keep the scenes funny. Hence the awkward silences, hence the sometimes too-angry situations that occur and hence feeling like shit every time I watch the show.

Confetti, however, will be different. If David Blaine can mesmerize millions by making an ass out of himself, then surely this movie will be quite entertaining.

Superman Returns - Trailer 2

2006-05-05T11:42:00.000-04:00

What Trailer 1 promised, Trailer 2 hath delivered. Yeah yeah, Superman, newspapers, fighting evil - looks fine. What blew me away was Kevin Spacey and his Lex Luthor.

I haven't seen Kevin Spacey really act in a long time. Pay it Forward? K-Pax? Beyond the Sea? What is Kevin thinking? This is Keiser Soze, this is the kiler from Se7en, the detective slash socialite from L.A. Confidential. Kevin Spacey can be unbelievably charismatic and chameleon-like in his transformation into character, finally, after a dry spell to make most of us forget - he's back.

Lex Luthor steals the trailer, and my guess is he'll steal the movie too. Superman is by necessity bland, quiet, forever repressed in his stupid secret identity - but here, Lex Luthor is the opposite of that, the foil who ends up outshining his protagonist. I could just watch him shout into Lois Lane's face all day. Sure, the guy who plays superman looks fine, and the rest is fine, but Lex Luthor! Let me have your babies.

Two things.

1. That plane is a) a ridiculous combination of a 1930s era Boeing Constellation and a modern passenger jet, and b) flying in outer space.

2. Lex Luthor's plan seems to involve blowing up most of the US and making some new starburst shaped landmass. He has also already divided it up into states. If I were him, I would wait until the nefarious plan has worked before deciding where New Florida should go.

Check it out (apple.com)

Ask The Dust

2006-05-01T22:12:00.000-04:00

Watch the abysmal trailer here.

I know what you're thinking: a pinch of Selma Hayek, a sprinkle of Colin Farrell, and a touch of the Academy Award winning writer of "Chinatown" and chemistry explosivo - wait, Hayek, Farrell and "Chinatown"? One of the greatest movies of all time and an Irish actor who actually said in a sex tape, as he was about to go down on a girl, "Ohhhh, this is my breakfast, lunch and dinner right here"????? Yeah, well, sometimes I forget that I live in Hell and people like Colin Farrell are running Hell and apparently eating there too.

The most positively arresting thing about the trailer is the scenery. It really does feel like a Depression Era story (looks a lot like "Chinatown," actually, but why no Roman Polanski? Why no Jack Nicholson?), but all the bigtime Hollywood actors seem so, so, so out of place and not up to the caliber of this type of story. Selma Hayek, who I thought was pretty stellar as Frida "Crazy Patterns" Kahlo, seems like something of a joke here. You can't have someone so beautiful play the over-looked, waitress girl who's down on her luck, even in a time when everyone hates Mexicans. Even Spiffae, a writer on this blog, still admits to hating Mexicans. A lot. But let's be honest - she's one of the best looking women in Hollywood. And Colin Farrell. Well, Colin Farrell is a fuckhead, but plenty of fuckheads are writers, so I can't really comment on him.

The trailer fizzles out to nothing. It starts with a joke - Colin Farrell as an intelligent writer and leads towards something maybe interesting actually happening. But there is no real explanation of the central conflict of the movie. If I were going to see it and needed $10 bucks from my mom, my only reason for seeing the movie would sound something like this, "I really want to see 'Ask The Dust.' There seems to be a sex scene in the ocean that could rival my wildest dreams. Of course, Mom, it could just fade out when you're about to see boobies, but hey, at least I got to have popcorn."
"What are boobies?" Mom asks.
"Nay nays, Mom."
"Oh, hooters."
"This," I reply, "is way awkward."

Just a quick note. We also would have accepted:
Frida "Unibrow" Kahlo
-AD

I'm Your Man

2006-04-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

Just so you know, I love Leonard Cohen.

I love his early acoustic albums, I love when he started expanding his instrumentation, I love his (perhaps misguided) collaboration with Phil Spector, and I love the synth-heavy white-soul period he’s been in for the past decade. He is arguably the most important American singer-songwriter who ever lived. I would have preferred a film of a performance, or compilation of performances by the man himself, but a tribute will have to do.

And lets look at the powerhouse of a tribute they have put together to the man: Anthony, Nick Cave, Rufus Wainwright, Jarvis Cocker, Linda Thompson! This is an impressive line-up!

Then why, o why do they only feature fucking BONO in the damn trailer!? Surely the participants’ level of discourse concerning Mr. Cohen is higher than: “Here was a man, who inside of a pop song there was some big ideas…”

Shut up Bono. You should not be proud of your career.

Aside from that, this is really an odd, disjointed trailer. Lots of things are happening, and they don’t necessarily feel connected in any great way. You could probably lose the bit about the monastery and survive. But hey, it’s Leonard Cohen, and I am excited.

One more question: How come I don’t look this good in a trench coat.

HOOT

2006-04-18T20:24:00.000-04:00

See Trailer for Hoot here.

This might go down as one of the worst trailers ever. Wait, can I say that? Oh, right, “Soundtrack featuring new music by Jimmy Buffett.” Yes, I can. Will Shriner, the guy who wrote and directed this, was also involved in writing “The Norm Show,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” and “Twin Peaks.” Just kidding, but he did write, “Living with Fran…” Wow, put this guy next to Victor Hugo and I can’t tell the difference.

Jimmy Buffett. Have you ever been to Margaritaville? It’s Buffett’s restaurant that plays “Margaritaville” about every five minutes and waitresses and southern hicks start singing that God-awful song. Last time I was there I heard a lady scream, “I would sell this here baby for one more Peeen-yah co-lad-a!!!” Luke Wilson must have been hammered when he took this role – or he simply realized that he really isn’t a good actor at all. “Eat more nachos and chili poppers, Luke, you’re turning into a fuckhead,” I say.

Even the humor in the trailer is weak and sophomoric, not that it’s a surprise given this film’s one-membered audience: Carl Hiassen, the writer of “Hoot.” Nice writing Carl – captivating.

“We’re the only ones who care…”
“We’re the only ones who KNOW!”

Honestly, I don’t mind the extinction of owls. When was the last time you went to the zoo to see owls? Has an owl ever saved your life? Loaned you a smoke? Eaten placenta?! No, owls suck. If they were saving “water cheetahs” then maybe I’d care. But no one, no one seems to care about the plight of the water cheetah. No one.

So, my final ruling: shitty trailer for a movie that even Carl Hiassen will walk out on. Peace brothers – go see Superman, at least that will have Kevin Spacey and some water cheetahs.

The Da Vinci Code

2006-04-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

View trailer here.

Paul Bettany took his time off from sucking on the teat of Lars von Trier to star as Silas in The Da Vinci Code. He also took his time off from starring in realistic professional tennis movies for this movie. "But why?" we fucking ask. The time has come for both he and Jennifer Connolly to be in a movie with songs by The Kronos Quartet. The time has come; major erections are happening for this film; my kids are still locked in the basement.

The fact is that this trailer is pretty perfect for its genre (the genre that Dan Brown invented cause he’s a genius savant!). And a betting man (me, Matt Damon) would wager that when this theologically-unsound trailer shows before whatever movie it comes before (The Shaggy Dog, probably), it’s going to get the one-million-plus readers of the book going athump. Major boners, peeps, major raging boners. The music itself is stellar – Hans Zimmer, who scored Gladiator and many other enormous films agreed to do this one (along with 8 million other movies on his docket). There are a lot of people who will see anything that Tom Hanks is in, it doesn’t matter what – even if it’s "Love Boat," Dragnet or Splash, people will fork over ten bucks. I, however, will be “Netflixing” this shit out of this movie; Dan Brown has made too much money. I think I'll wait it out. I already gave money to Crash, and I feel like I should be crucified for it.

Another feature that sets this trailer into the top tier is the “Whaaaaaa wa wee wah?!” factor. That’s when a trailer has many, multiple moments where secrets are revealed leading the audience to feel smarter about themselves and get major boners, major, major boners. While I didn’t get a “major boner” from the trailer, I did get excited and spit my cherry cola all over my computer keyboard. For example, when Hanks rather moronically says, “Da Vinci” it made me laugh out loud. As it did when I read the literary miscarriage that Brown wrote. Other moments include when the image slides into the "Last Supper" and when Ian McClellan flings away his crutches. It’s may seem weird, but I now have a rather major boner.

Also, for you fans of the overrated television show known as “24,” check this out: "24" creator Joel Surnow thought that "The DaVinci Code" would provide a great storyline for the show's third season. Surnow asked his boss, producer Brian Grazer, about acquiring the film rights to the book. "Writer" Dan Brown had no intention of his book being adapted for a TV show, and rejected their retarded bid. God “24” sucks and I am addicted to it. Boner, big-time bones-ville.

Aquamarine

2006-03-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

Pauline Kael once stated, “In the arts, the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising.” That is why it’s so hard for me to write honestly about this soon-to-be classic piece of art without selling the nuts out of it. Trust me, it’s easy to sell, sell, sizz-ell – just watch the trailer. Aquamarine, originally titled, Le Vive de 30-year-old mermaid girl pretending to be 18, a remake of a Godard film indeed. It’s going to change your life. The trailer is no lie; it’s the real deal.

My interests in the film are as follows: #1: The Faustian battle with Claire and Halley for super-hunk lifeguard Raymond, the beach bum with the world’s nicest bum! Yes! #2: An essential question: What does it mean to be a woman? Wo-man. A wo-man of the water? Wa-ter? #3: Another less-essential question: What is humor? “Did you order,” the heroine says to the evil nemesis, “a sand-WITCH!” Groucho Marx would be laughing his hairy ass off. Plus, there are many fish jokes – “What a barnacle!” “Something about that girl is fishy.” Of course, if this were real life, the girls would be calling her a “cunt rag” and a “manifestation of a backward orgasm, a.k.a. murder.” They’d wish her the worst – having to take a three day long shower with Live's "This is why Dolphins cry..." playing at maximum volume. But no, this is wetter phantasmagoria.

The main question one must ask of a piece of art – is it based in reality? (Actually, no, that’s not the question I asked immediately – I asked, “Why oh holy God?”) Anyway, reality? Yes. A mermaid washes up on a Floridian resort town, befriends Eric Robert’s daughter and has a mesmerizing dilemma. She has to fall in love in three days, or else she has to return to the ocean where undoubtedly she’ll be raped by a sea horse in a sick ocean vaudeville act.

But alas, Raymond, the “perfect guy” comes along. Love? Love and brains. I can’t wait to see how he holds up conversation – I see Woody Allen and Vin Diesel talking about “futility.” One issue: how is it that someone who lives in the ocean and has swam around the world hundreds of times, and whose father has created tsunamis, doesn’t know the first thing about boys? Oh well, nobody yelled at God when he created Muslims, right? Right.

As always, I’m being really sarcastic. I will end with another last Pauline Kael quote, “If I eat another terrier, I’m gonna throw up. Seriously, Pauline Kael wants some daschund.”

Goal: Installment 1

2006-03-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

Casting Call Newcastle: We're looking for guys who look NOTHING LIKE SOCCER PLAYERS. Interested?

View trailer here.

What’s insane about this movie besides the vapid trailer that totally gives away almost every decent scene in the film is the idea that it will be successful – they’ve already began filming Goal! 2 and Goal! 3. WTF?! If the story follows a realistic tale of a Mexican footballer, Santiago Munez’s will next become a Telemundo sportscaster, and in Goal 3 he will descend into horrific squalor and poverty with gambling debts. Then he’ll open a falafel stand outside of Newcastle United’s stadium. Bratty little kids will walk by and taunt him, saying racist shit and soon he will become a featured guest on “The Mind of Mencia.” What? I’m just being a realist.

It’s hilarious too that he’s so poor that he can only afford cardboard shin guards, but he’s wearing $100 dollar Adidas shoes. Nice move, props guy – I know it’s weird to be working on this bullshit movie, but at least give the guy clogs or uggs. Also, how many great Mexican players “make it” in the Premiership? Hardly any, why? Because they’re huge diving fairies and they can’t take the tough, hard-man type of game the English play. But okay, for Santiago, I’ll suspend my disbelief. The movie has all the stops of a clichéd, come-from-nothing-turn-into-Newcastle-superstar-mexican-kid-who-I-don’t-particularly-like-or-believe-in-have-you-seen-my-socks film. Ya know? Also, the word “own” is missing from the title of this film. Snap! Mert 1, Santiago nil, bitches.

A picture from a real soccer movie, Shaolin Soccer.

Trust The Man

2006-03-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

I’m stoked. I understand the way I review things on this site probably gives off an image of me as a racist, animal lover, hater of autistic peeps, a pedophile, etc. I apologize; but I know that I dig the trailer for Trust the Man. And yes, I’m a raging pedophile.

You gotta love movies about upper-middle-class white guys fighting to maintain their lives and dignity with romantic troubles; after all, who has it harder than 30-something wealthy Manhattanites? All joking aside, the trailer is absolutely stellar for what it is – a romantic New York drama/comedy. The instrumental Spoon song “The Way We Get By” in the beginning is wonderful and uplifting. The second half, however, loses me somewhat with the Five For Fighting song, but in a trailer like this, one would probably die from shock if there weren’t a Five For Fighting, Semisonic or Boyzone song. Every time I hear any of their songs, I think of a pimpled college freshman viciously masturbating while watching Wild Things in a dorm room for some reason.

There are two moments that are especially drawing for me in mass-appeal comedy. Sure, there are many funny moments: Crudup dancing like an asshole (or a white guy, either way works); the whole early dinner table awkwardness with Eva Mendes (who I hate); and the bestiality thing in the beginning. Moment one – “Talk dirty to me…” “You have a – uh – husband.” Hilarious. I lost a chunk of hair laughing so hard at this very real issue that most couples run into (happily, but comically) – awkward sexual experimentation. It gets silly, it does, and if you handle it with comedy it makes the whole “Stuffed Animal, Knife, and Cake trick” a lot easier to attempt.

Moment two – Billy Crudup screams in a theater lobby to his writer girlfriend, “Elaine!!!” and then says, “Did you like the play?” as everyone stares at this apparent madman. If this were a true New York moment everyone would just keep on moving, no big deal. But it is deeply sad as you watch one man’s desperation and at the same time hilarious because the guy who played Prefontaine is trying to get back the sexual-games-dominatrix from The Secretary. God, I do enjoy this trailer.

In other news, Susan Sarandon, in a real twist in her career, has decided to play Cindy Sheehan in an upcoming film. When that trailer comes out, you can be sure I will piss all over it on this wonderful site.

Phat Girlz

2006-03-12T16:22:00.000-05:00

Trailer can be located here.

SPOILER – WARNING: This movie is going to be fucking dumb.

I’ve been waiting. Eagerly going to imdb.com almost daily to find out when this movie, nay film, will open in the U.S. Just say it out loud, the title alone inspires honey-scented breath: Phat Girlz. Phat Girlz. Well, my loyal Mo’Nique fans the day where we will all surely be seen eagerly waiting around the 42nd Street theaters is April 7th.

What else makes this a perfect movie? Eric Roberts. Yeah, that’s right, the Biloxi-native took time out of his busy schedule of Indie Pop music videos to star in this sure to be epic, timeless, blah, blah, blah film. Okay, honestly, I think it’s funny that the whole argument of this film seems to be that women are special and deserving despite appearance and that size truly doesn’t matter. Yet all the dudes she’s attracted to, and the main love interest of this movie, are steroid-addicted, gym junkies.

Why not be honest about it and play in the plus-size league that your “talent” places you in? Put Orca-woman with a realistic guy like say Dr. Phil or Horatio Sanz’s dad? I don’t even find the jokes in the trailer funny – it’s like a worse Bridget Jones, or a better Pride and Prejudice. I laughed once while watching it, but it was because I was thinking about something that happened last night – hilarious. “You’re so ugly, your mamma got morning sickness after you was born.” Please oh holy God don’t ever use that. If you do, you deserve to have a stapler shoved in your butt.

If you’re fat – try getting your stomach stapled. Or here’s a novel thought, try running or walking, and not to Pretzel Time and Sbarro. Sure, Hollywood is ridiculous – but celebrity stars, to me, are meant to be superhuman and creepily "in shape." I don’t want to watch a lady who eats all the thin mints at her desk and then goes into the women’s restroom for three hours to take a catastrophic dump – I want to watch ridiculously good-looking people do crazy shit.

“Jasmine Biltmore refuses to stuff her super-sized dreams into a minus-sized world.” If there were an honest voiceover for this movie, it would be something like this: “This fat chick wants to change her life, but instead of working out and trying to help herself, she’s gonna do the idiotic thing and think that someone else, this weird jacked African guy, will solve all her problems with his massive-anaconda cock and vague history. We’ll all probably learn something we already knew.”

The only thing that could redeem this trailer for me is if they showed Eric Roberts in his best role ever, Best of the Best, kicking the crap out of an evil Korean. He had a dislocated shoulder and won for the U.S. Team, that’s amazing stuff, people. Amazing stuff.

Illusion

2006-03-05T11:08:00.000-05:00

This is a painful trailer. There are many terrible things about the film that I will go into later, but a main one must be addressed. Poor, poor Kirk Douglas. Knowing a stroke victim is difficult, watching them waste away into death is even worse. Someone should have had the balls to tell Mr. Douglas, “You shouldn’t do this. You are one of the elder statesmen of film; You are Spartacus! Let your fans remember you as that.” I am all for the elderly being in the public view, but jesus, listening to him say “I wanted to see my son, before I died”, is just so sad.

But lets move on.

Fuck you Michael Goorjian. When a first time director plays three roles is his film, we call it a “vanity piece”(or Diary of a Mad Black Woman). But when a first time director plays three roles, parades a stricken Kirk Douglas, and makes a bullshit film about life after death and second chances so trite that it makes What Dreams May Come look like high art, they should be ashamed.

Plus, your production company logo looks like it belongs to a beach resort. And no one here likes you.

The Fountain

2006-03-04T14:12:00.000-05:00

Get teaser-trailer here.

Darren Aronofsky. Darren Aro-nof-sky. Aronofsky, the writer and director of Pi and Requiem for a Dream (along with Hubert Selby Jr.) seems to be broadening his directorial horizon with his new film, The Fountain. In my opinion, it seems that unlike his previous heroes' tales, we now have a truly captivating love story laden in symbolism. Instead of sticking a drill in the side of his head, he will challenge "the city" and save his love. Instead of stealing his mom’s television for dough, he will ride towards danger to save "that girl" from The Mummy Returns. It is a Hollywood type of film by a creative talent, not one of Adam Sandler’s dorm buddies or John "I use many white doves in dramatic scenes" Woo.

The film will certainly have a somber tone since it is essentially a meditation on coming to terms with death. And it’s interesting that no one has made a movie about the Genesis story of the Tree of Life, one of our oldest myths (as tree people, of course). I wonder why that hasn’t happened. This seems like an epic love story to rival Jumpin' Jack Flash and Ernest Actually Doesn’t Have Chlamydia, He Has Aids and the teaser is pretty enticing – and unlike his other films in the low millions, this was originally budgeted as a $90 million movie starring Brad Pitt. Now it is $30 million range and seems better without Brad.

But what is it about? One certainly can’t glean any impression from the teaser besides “ohhhhh! neat sparks!” so here it goes: The Fountain is an odyssey about one man's thousand-year struggle to save the woman he loves. His epic journey begins in 16th century Spain, where conquistador Tomas Creo commences his search for the Tree of Life, the legendary entity believed to grant eternal life to those who drink of its sap.

Will there be murder and love making? Erm, heck yes! Lets discuss the trailer.

It’s rife with parallels; you could show a retarded monkey the trailer and he’d chirp that. We see Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz’s characters span ten centuries (16th century, 21st century and 26th century – hence the always-uplifting apocalyptic images in space). What affects me so much about the trailer is the tempo, spurred on by the insane, but simple drumming. It’s also a trailer set in images of 3s. If you’ll notice, every set of clips that is interrupted by the written notes (“1 Man” “1 Love,” etc.) is comprised of 3 “trailer moments” from the film. Three is uber symbolic: trinity, one-ness, three denotes divine perfection, yada, yada, yada. Aronofsky is a brilliant filmmaker and we have to assume this symbolism goes beyond the pure aesthetic. It’s relatively simple, but in the normal, sort of boring images of our modern society, there is intense beauty and that culminates in the last shot of what I presume to be Hugh Jackman floating in the electric liquid – certainly the Fountain of Life. There isn’t a lot there, but it keeps me wanting more. Who knows, maybe Wolverine will get the girl, live forever and save the day. Or maybe he will realize life is fragile and that we should drink up what we have, and enjoy our friends and love our true loves, bitches.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

2006-03-03T13:48:00.000-05:00

Get teaser-trailer here.

Former SNL writer-director Adam McKay, who also made Anchorman, seems as if he’s got the winning formula for hitting the college and 20-something male audience: picking on the weird side of life, normally accepted by the bulk of American society (not that that's anything new, it is a popular form of comedy, actually). Nascar, this nation’s most popular sport, is perhaps also the most questioned sport – especially considering it’s six-pack toting audience and generally southern-hick stereotype. This trailer looks like Run Ronny, Run meets Days of Thunder meets Eyes Wide Shut (erm, actually, scratch DOT). The most Americans I ever met when living in Europe was the near two hundred who attended a stock car race in Southern Spain which they were quickly kicked out from in strange fashion. Eight of them later were arrested for “throwing chorizo,” which can be quite a dangerous cured meat. This movie will be popular - for different reasons - on both sides of the Mason-Dixon.

This is a welcome teaser trailer and the film looks promising – if anything, it will pander to the millions who want another classic, quotable Will Ferrell film. Also interesting extra: in 2007, a new Ferrell film will be coming out called Blades of Glory, the story of an Olympic skating rivalry – wonder where they got the idea for that? The role of Shani Davis will be played by, erm, Horatio Sanz or Jon Heder.

Notice the trademark touches of a pandering comedy teaser: a catching hick song in the background followed by an AC/DC song (see Harikari trailer), malt liquor ads galore (helmet, dinner table), statutory rape jokes, Chuck Norris joke (awesome), nice family dinner over pizza, Coke, Budweiser and the wife has a martini, line dancing, mongoose reference (obligatory for classic slapstick, see early Buster Keaton short film, Sonata for Yolanda).

Also, Sasha Cohen, of "Ali G" fame, will be playing the French nemesis driver = thank you God.

And John C. Reilly – always amazing – seems to be in the role of a lifetime. The last 30 seconds of the trailer are especially brilliant too – Molly Shannon doing what she does best: acting like a total fucking retard, Will Ferrell referencing Hollywood’s favorite pincushion, Tom Cruise, and the car busting down the street and destroying someone’s house. Perfect material for a fluff comedy. Should be delightful, bring your forties, fried chicken and corn bread.

Apocalypto

2006-03-02T18:38:00.000-05:00

Apocalypto, the second "historical" film from Mel Gibson’s production company, Icon Entertainment, has much to live up to – The Passion had people walking out in droves; can this also succeed in such a manner? Well, the dialogue will be Yucatec, for one. You know, that obscure Mayan dialect we all love. It also features a bunch of random Mexican actors from Mexico City. This actually works for the teaser – the odd ambiguity of the faces makes it creepier, like a horror film. Or the Jesus Chain Saw Massacre. Also, the fact that it is so ambiguous will have people like me searching out information about Mayan civilization and the film. Kudos. I also learned that one of the actors in the film is assistant manager at an Olive Garden in Cozumel. We should go.

What I don’t like is the opening quote from historian/philosopher/socialist/libertarian Will Durant. It opens up the idea that this is historically accurate, which, I’m pretty sure, it won’t be. But Gibson, and his insane dad, will both claim accuracy and to their logic – twisted, hateful belief is always accurate. Like how the Holocaust didn't happen, remember? Just fudged numbers and some people moved.

While many people attribute the decline of the Mayans to drought, I think Gibson will probably pin it on a less-attributed source – mass murder, rape, disembowlment, you name it. More truthfully, he will focus on a belief that it was an invading force: the Spanish. Notice the knife-slash sounds at the beginning and the Mayan art only focused on blood. Then the creepy faces….oh, the creepy faces! At what point do people, six guys, decide to stand together and collectively look “creepy” with white chalk on their faces? Oh yeah, when Mel Gibson tells them to.

The idea that a tagline of the film is, “When the end comes, not everyone is ready to go…” I mean, what the fuck? That’s ridiculous. Can’t you come up with something less obvious. Of course not everyone is ready to go. If you told me I was fired, I’d say in protest, “No way man! I love this free hot chocolate!” Oh, but the plot thickens in the teaser: the wooden nose-pin chick is preggers! "No, but we’re about to end as a civilization," they protest. But she’s pregnant: an idea unheard of in pre-condom days, right? Right.

I really have no idea what we’re supposed to take from the teaser trailer. Man on top of high point, people screaming, a cougar. No, I think Stick It holds more promise.

Nacho Libre

2006-02-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

All I have to say about the Nacho Libre trailer is what lavish colors, I mean, wow. No, just joking Spiffae, but honestly - this trailer is a microcosm (shock) of what this movie will be about - almost plotless, sometimes hilarious, cultish flick, like Napoleon Dynamite. Another not so shocking shock-a-rama: it's the same director. The film trailer does have something that is a testament to a quality teaser-trailer: quotable lines that people watching whatever bullshit it appears before will leave the theater quoting. And, it has Jack Black - if you haven't heard of him, he was in this film called The Cable Guy, wearing a Soundgarden shirt no less. Jack Black and the director of Napoleon Dynamite invites the sort of audience you'd see at a Dave Eggers reading or a Death Cab for Cutie covering Third Eye Blind concert.

Some of those aforementioned quotables: "Chancho, when you are a man...sometimes you wear stretchy pants, in your room. It's for fun." Or "Do you remember when everyone was shouting my name? And I used my strength to rip my blouse?" Notice when he throws the beehive how much that resembles the scene in ND with Rico, Napoleon and the steak toss (one of my favorite scenes of summer 2000s movie picks). It's clear Jared Hess has a particular humor, and not much else as far as talent or linear plots are concerned. He is a "clever idea" director, not a "movie" director. But do I hold that against him? Yes. Make a different fucking movie. I'm angry that good movies, like Syriana, will have half the audience, less even, then a movie about nothing. This, like Napoleon Dynamite, will make all of its money off of a trailer like this, even if the movie sucks nads. Saying that though, this will be hilarious and I will see it on Netflix, but not in the theater, unless I can sit next to Chuck Norris or Biff from Back to the Future. I just want to know what it's like to always be second best; I hate being so damn awesome.

Ultraviolet

2006-02-28T07:58:00.000-05:00

Sweet, delicious color. This is a great trailer, I definetly like the style of the action and all that, but what I love, the reason I downloaded this in super HD and watch it over and over - is the color. Every shot in this trailer is dripping with gorgeous color. The whole movie looks as though it has been smoothed and melted, and then painted with thick liquid strokes of beautiful color. I'm sold.

Also, you should probably know that Milla Jovovich is my girlfriend, and that she and I are very happy, and that she is a smart, funny girl, and that if you say anything mean about this trailer, I will tell Milla to buy me a plane ticket so I can fly back and kick some ass - Ultraviolet style.

The Sentinel

2006-02-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

This has to be some kind of a joke.

That can be the only explanation. This might as well be a preview for 24: The Motion Picture. Only they forgot to put in Jack Bauer.

Oh. Wait.

Actually, early versions of this film were titled "Kiefer Sutherland In: We Have To Go NOW!" - That title was scrapped after people kept crossing off "Kiefer Sutherland" and writing in "Jack Bauer" on the screening feedback forms. Seriously though. Someone must have just realized that people would pay for a two hour long mini-24 episode featuring bigger explosions and Jack in nicer suits.

ATL

2006-02-27T19:53:00.000-05:00

Few film trailers pass my "Now Suck My Dick, Stinker!" or "I once swallowed a semi-large spatula" test, but ATL very much does. The test is simple: after every line of dialogue in the trailer, you must scream (or moan) "Now suck my dick, stinker!" or "I once swallowed a semi-large spatula!" and if it works, if it rolls, then the movie passes the test and it is a definitively great trailer. For example, here is one line from the film ATL, starring Outkast's Big Boi and some other random, but equally captivating no-doubt-RADA-trained stars, slotted to come out next month: "Take a ride with your boy, come on, now suck my dick, stinker!" Or "And I won't forget where I come from! I once swallowed a semi-large spatula!" Jaws, The Thin Red Line, A Fish Called Wanda, The Passion of the Christ and Step off my Enormous Rod: the Story of Rod Stewart all pass the test with flying colors. "What is this test?" you ask as you read this and eat thin mints. Check out ATL and test it out.

Basic Instinct 2

2006-02-27T04:09:00.000-05:00

In the sexy and sleek psychological thriller Basic Instinct 2, after re-locating from San Francisco to London, best-selling crime novelist Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) once again finds herself on the wrong side of the law.

So reads the blurb for the ill-conceived trailer for the ill-concieved Basic Instinct 2.

Beyond Deception
Beyond Desire
Beyond Obsession

So read the fancy words that flash on the screen during the trailer.

Andrew G. Vajna - is seriously the name of a producer on this movie.

The problem here is that Basic Instinct is a movie that sells on sex appeal. I imagine that the original Basic Instinct trailer had the words "Deception" "Desire" and "Obsession" because Sharon Stone today is clearly beyond those things. She doesn't look like a steamy sexpot, she looks like the old lady at the bar who has too many drinks and starts hitting on the college kids. Everyone just smiles with pain in their eyes, and when she finally leaves for another drink, everyone looks at each other and kind of feels bad.

That is what will happen in the theater as the credits roll on this bad idea.

Postscript - There is a shot where S.S. walks past Male Protagonist in a wet sheer shirt. Someone computered out her nipples, and all I could think was "thank you, computer guy. I don't envy your work."
-S

Stick It

2006-02-26T16:11:00.000-05:00

Good to see we're all back and writing.

I will start off with the movie that will probably change the face of film: Stick It. Bask in the Kick-Butt Trailer here. The film meets the Christophian criteria of a "perfect motion picture." 1. Does someone wake up in a bathtub of ice cubes, maybe missing a vital organ? Check. 2. Is it not your run-of-the-mill, "feed me my soma!" type of film? Check-a-roonie, it's way different. 3. A complete 180 from bad to good over the course of a soul-searching good time? Yup. 4. Hot dudes in Hollister and Abercrombie? Erm, heck yes. On April 21st, prepare to get stuck, hard, and probably in the ass.

The trailer starts out with an enticing, bad ass line: "Every day I break the law...OF GRAVITY!!!" As if it can't get better from there, we meet Haley Graham, a seventeen-year-old bad ass chica. She makes biking look like archery, murderous, maiming archery, people. Candy Bars! What kind of person rides a bike through a glass window? I guess people do that. Maybe it's a california thing. Or a moron thing. It almost looks like two of my favorite films: Airborne (1993) and Gleaming the Cube (1989).

I'm also wondering the logic of a girl who breaks the law not getting sent to prison, or juvenial hall, but back to gymnastics academy or whatever they call it - insecure skinny rich girl world? Yeah, that happens. Again though, it's "not called gym-nicetics, it's gymnastics!!!"

The only redeeming thing about this hilariously vapid trailer is the last shot of Jeff Bridges, playing an out-of-the-box role as famed Burt Vickerman, totally killing himself on the trampoline. I hear he does all his own stunts - nice role Jeff, seriously, you were in Lebowski, Arlington Road (one of my top 2000 films), and White Squall. I guess once I saw you were in Surf's Up, coming out next year, I should have known. Shame Jeff, shame. Nice Black Flag t-shirt, though. Want to create a bad ass image, put them in a Black Flag t-shirt - maybe Henry Rollins will make a cameo as the evil Russian gymnastics coach, Victor Blowhardovich. We can only pray.

This and Flight 93 are my two "must see films" in 2006.

Marie Antoinette

2006-02-26T05:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Sofia Coppola,
I like your work. Actually I've only seen Lost in Translation, but I liked that very much. Your new trailer is very confusing. This is a straight-up period piece, right? Why is there some mediocre indie rock song playing all the way through it? Don't look at me like it wasn't your idea, I know these kinds of against the grain decisions are the work of indie directors who are looking for street cred. Don't be a Zach Braff circa Garden State Trailer 1. You're better than him. Your movie looks mildly interesting, but will there be indie rock music in the movie? If the answer is no, and there will be only quartets and snooty accents, then I say you have done us wrong, Sofia. If there the answer is yes, then I say you have done 18th century France wrong.

Also - you started Lost in Translation with a lovely shot of Scarlett Johanson's butt. Now it's Kirsten Dunst and a fan. What's up with you?

Love,
Ben

I wholeheartedly agree that using this song for this trailer was a bad decision. But I would like to clarify that the song is Age of Consent by New Order, not "some mediocre indie rock song". Age of Consent is an amazing song and should not be associated with this trailer. And what the hell is up with the "Never Mind the Bollocks"-esque title card?
-AD

Apologies. It is impossible to take any contemporary song seriously - amazing or not - in that trailer. I didn't even know where to begin with the hipper-than thou title card. Not to mention that Jason Schwarzman - king of indie fluff is starring along with naked-behind-a-fan.
-S

Art School Confidential

2006-02-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

I would love to say that I am not a fan of Terry Zwigoff. But honestly that’s not really true. I have seen two of his movies and really liked 50% of them. I actually despised the other 50% and never saw another one of his movies after that. Hmm…maybe I’m not a fan of Terry Zwigoff.

The 50% that I despised was, of course, his critically lauded Ghost World. Lots of people disagree with me and say GW is great, to which I say: you are wrong. Read the comic. Zwigoff missed the point entirely, and managed to somehow turn Daniel Clowes’ non-sexual love story between to teenage girls into another movie about R. Crumb. (The ultimate irony being that I loved Zwigoff’s first move about R. Crumb.)

Which brings us to Art School Confidential. Again working from Clowes’ source material, Zwigoff has decided that a four-page spread on the stupidity of art school is enough material to support a feature film. That being said, it’s a pretty good trailer.

The opening line from John “Malkovich, Malkovich” Malkovich takes me back. It is what every art teacher wanted to say to my peers and I, everyday, through our four years of higher education. Malkovich actually has the best lines in this trailer. They bookend the whole thing and really make the trailer seem better than it is.

The middle of the trailer can be divided into two parts. One consists of shots of students “creating art”. These are great. The giant ice cream cone, terrible self-portrait and hilariously bad “performance” pieces of the other students are so dead-on, I found myself cringing. This will be a difficult movie for first year art students to watch.

The rest of the trailer is, unfortunately, your usual college movie fare. Complete with the “You’ve never been laid?!” comment and Zwigoff’s requisite “girls are shitty” message that creeps into all his films.

I just realized that the trailer sums up all the major parts of Clowes’ original comic. Way to go, guy who edited this trailer. You just made my favorite comic book movie. Except for all the parts I thought were stupid.

Some Movies That Might Inspire Suicide

2006-01-02T11:51:00.000-05:00

First of all, I would like to comment that this blog is stellar. I mean, seriously (no, not seriously). How many posts have we had in the last year? It's like everyone who writes for this blog realized that blogging is lame and that Gwen Stephanie only reads "paper news" and not our brilliant, mildly-racist rants. Anywhoo, this is a collection of what I think could royally suck in 2006.

David Spade, John Heder (napoleon dyno-shite) and Rob "Lorne Michaels Fired Me, But I Just Kept Showing Up" Shnyderderder. I really don't care if I misspell his name, he's retarded.

Benchwarmers could be good if I'd been tripping on Crystal Meth/Horse Tranquilizer/a thousand pound cartoon cat chanting hymns with me from atop a zepplin. These things inflicting themselves on me might make me see this. And I'd have to be dating Reggie Jackson to go and he'd have to buy me my ticket. I did laugh out loud, however, when they hit the kid with the ball. But I also think that laugh was caused by an earlier memory of pooping my pants in a little league game. I'm happy they used the Foo Fighters song "Times Like These." I like the song and I'm sure John Heder cries while listening to it in his Mormon apartment while reciting lines from Napoleon Dyamite to his pet rock "Liger."

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is coming soon - July 7th.
I liked the first Pirates a pant-load, but this trailer makes me not really want to see the new one. I hate some trailers (and they almost all do this) that have these huge, hyperbolic statements: "Have You Ever Challenged Life's Greatest Mysteries..." booms over the loud speaker by the generic voice. Or the huge and peculiarly written messages: "All Tommy Needed Was A Second Chance..." blah blah blah.

This trailer has that too.

The written messages are silly and pointless: "Never Trust a Pirate." Duh. I mean, that's like saying, "Beware of Angry Toothless Guys That Date Your Mom" in the trailer. It gets stranger and more, well, strange. A man in the shape of a hammerhead shark? I have been on this ride - even at Euro Crap Disney - and I seem to not recall pissing myself over a shark-man...I digress. This movie, however, will make a ton of bank and probably be really entertaining. A lot of horny guys with their wives will be pissed, again, that this Disney flick lacks a Kiera Knightley sex scene. So goes it. My advice: see Pirates with a dead person. If they get up and leave halfway through it, you know it's total shit. But if they stay, and if they make super-critical, but insightful comments on the film, then you've got a winner.

I Love Your Work is starring me, Pacey Witter.

I know that I look fucking hot in this trailer, but lets discuss the cinematic genius of my new movie's trailer. Creepy Music? Check. Normally nice looking guy looking strange and wearing a hideous-looking sweater? Check. And it was uncomfortable, but not like my Ducks jersey. Does it have Christina Ricci? Check.

This trailer is actually really well done, I think. Adam Goldberg, the funny Jewish guy from that laugh out loud comedy Private Ryan directed this and I think he's on to something by casting me, Pacey. Anyone who has seen The Conversation I think will enjoy this film and it's trailer. It has the similar feel of voyuerism and creepiness that Coppola's film also oozed with. The best thing about Goldberg's trailer: The huge gorilla that climbs to the top of the Empire State Building. The film looks good because the trailer is so permeating. It is something I'll see when nothing else is out, and I will leave it hating it as much as Munich. But it has a sexiness that draws you, and the cast is young and perfect, especially for a film about how new stardom and celebrity can mess with one's head. Check it, at least John Heder isn't in it.

The Gospel

2005-12-03T18:47:00.000-05:00

The Gospel. Great movie trailer or greatest movie trailer, ever? The latter.

Synopsis. “A young singer turns his back on God,” A DEFINITE MOVIE, NAY Life, FAUX PAS, “and his father's church when tragedy strikes” – AWESOME! “He returns years later” FUCK YEAH YEARS LATER! “to find the once powerful congregation in disarray” I LOVE DISARRAY. “With his childhood nemesis,” FUCK YOU, NEMESIS “creating a "new vision" for the church, he is forced to deal with family turmoil, career suicide, and relationship issues that send him on a collision course with redemption or destruction” WHOA.

Boris Kodjoe, the uber hero of African American cinema is back! You probably remember him from the rather Lynchian film Brown Sugar.

“It’s your father’s legacy. Who’s gonna fight for it if you don’t?” I would comment more on this trailer if I hadn't accidentily stapled a condom to my tongue earlier in the day. Check out the trailer, check out the Gospel.

First Descent

2005-12-02T08:39:00.000-05:00

"Snowboarding is the worst sport ever, blah blah blah, we're a bunch of snowboarders, big dumb deal, we, like, jump off mountains with, like, boards on our feet man."

That about sums up the first half of the First Descent trailer. Not a promising start, unless you like snow, boards, and bad haircuts. The second half is where they get you. The tone of the trailer changes, the dumb rock music, the stupid announcer, the TV interview style titles - all gone, replaced by amazing cinematography, perfect music, and the best killer shot I've seen in a long time. I think whoever cut this trailer was really happy with that last part, because it rocks. More than anything, the killer shot (which I won't spoil, go watch the trailer) reminds me of the Night Watch trailer. But it's real, so it's better. I'm impressed.

Trailer (Apple)