All The King's Men

Watch the trailer here.

From one of the greatest, most compelling books in the history of American literature comes a remake of an old movie (1949) that promises to anally, royally entertain audiences. Even Chinese guys sitting in the third row with their translators will have to shut the fuck up – All The King’s Men is going to be awesome. The story involves a journalist, played by Jude Law, assigned to write the story of an up-and-coming politician, Sean Penn. Law becomes obsessed with the southern leader for his honesty and soon becomes one of his “researchers.” Basically, he finds dirt on anyone that threatens Sean Penn’s political ascent. The story raises many pertinent questions about the nature of duty – how far will you go to do a job well? Can you trust your boss; can you trust your heroes? Can you really trust your friends? Where do these worlds intersect and collide? Why is soup so cheap?

In a lot of ways the trailer is like a political advertisement – hyperbolic language, insanely epic music and familiar images that will tie the audience to the film – “Oh there’s that fat guy from 'The Sopranos'!” “Oh, there’s that guy that should be banging Sienna Miller, but, alas, he’s a fucking idiot!” Some of the shots in the trailer are simply breathtaking. As Penn speaks to the faceless crowd, the mill town in the background lets off lines of smoke into the overcast sky. And, for Penn: like all power earned, it soon begets the desire for power stolen. Penn begins as an honest man seeking to change the world, but once he gains that power he becomes everything he once despised. And the trailer displays this wonderfully – he looks evil. Seldom do films chance to show a 3-dimensional character.

My only major criticism of the trailer is the line of awards for the cast. Okay, we get it - your casting agent did a fucking fantastic job. But I don't care that Jude Law was nominated for Cold Mountain or The Talented Mr. Ripley, which I thought was so boring I wanted to stab my penis with a broken bottle, a lot. By recognition alone we know the cast is superb, don't rub it in. Trust that your cast is phenomenal - which it is - and then ask us to see the film. Also, pay attention to Travis Champagne in the roll as young Tom Stark - perhaps the worst actor's name in the history of time. "Hello, my name's Matt RootBeerTooth CapriSun. I'm auditioning for the roll of Willy Loman." This movie, however, is sure to be an Oscar favorite and bloody entertaining.

Man Of The Year

Well, I didn't expect this. I am no fan of Robin Williams, he has been pretty much worthless in recent years - basically ever since Patch Adams. That was the beginning of the end. He was awesome as the Genie in Aladdin, pretty good in Mrs. Doubtfire, but from there I feel like the movies just got sentimental and crappy, and I stopped wanting to see them. His new edgy stuff hasn't made me any less bored with him, and I had basically written him off until the Man of the Year trailer rolled around.

And then holy crap! Robin Williams in a role that seems to not be all about him being a douche bag. This movie, firmly in the style of Wag the Dog (another title with two proper nouns divided by some uncapitalizables!) and looking to be just as good. Watching Robin Williams play (essentially) John Stewart in this trailer, I forgot about what a ponce he has been, and I started getting excited for Man of the Year. It looks like a great concept, decent cast, good director, and possibly good script.

I do kind of wish they had skipped showing that he wins the election, only because it would have made the trailer even more of a tease, and the post-winning stuff is not particularly rich. Either way, I welcome the return of Robin Williams, and I am hoping for the Bush-era Wag the Dog.

Trailer (apple.com)

Night at the Museum

There are some bad feelings between me and Ben Stiller. I think that most of America can agree with me. He has turned out quite a string of obnoxious, embarrassing, and , at times, painful to watch comedies starting with Meet the Parents. Meet the Parents, is among my least favorite films ever made. And for Stiller to have the sheer audacity to follow up with Meet the Fockers! Well, have no trouble telling you that I wrote Ben off as a lost cause with little trouble

But then along comes Night at the Museum. I am a straight up sucker for stories where something not alive comes alive. I loved Jumanji, (book and film) and I enjoyed the Indian in the Cupboard, (the book and the film, even with the latter’s facially deformed lead). Night at the Museum is every little kid’s fantasy writ large, writ EPIC. This trailer is the first jewel to be released in anticipation of that Holiday movie season. It has a great build in pacing, plenty of jokes, and Dick Van-fucking-Dyke!!

So, Ben. Maybe I can give you one more shot to redeem yourself. As long as I don’t have to see your painfully contorted testicles again, I think we will be fine.

Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny

Watch the trailer here.

There is something so endearing about Jack Black and Kyle Gass, and their mega-giant-tastic band, Tenacious D. They are nerdy guys, especially Black, and they make casual dorkiness mixed with bizarre behavior so fucking cool. Listen to Black’s voice when the trailer begins, his hyperbolic language and his holier than thou attitude. In many ways it’s similar to Colbert, only these guys are parodying themselves more than anything else. They recognize how much they’re dorky, yet the more they riff on themselves, the more we love them. This has been a much-anticipated movie and I can’t wait.

It seems like many of the trailer’s jokes are similar to the Tenacious D from “Mr. Show.” What makes the trailer so good – besides the instant recognition of their awesomeness – is that it feels thrown together, especially with the voice over: “Prepare yourselves for the motion picture experience of the century…from New Line Cinema comes the most important film in this history of films.” Almost like, “Hey, let’s make a movie? Yeah, let’s make a movie – pass the spliff.”

Like School of Rock, Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny seems like a similar production – just let Jack Black do whatever the fuck he wants for two hours and we’ll have a box office smash hit. Indeed, it’s not just gonna be fantastic – it’s gonna be fucktastic.

Rocky Balboa

Watch the trailer here.

Plot: ESPN shows a video game simulation of Rocky Balboa - arguably the worst boxer in movie history - against a real boxer named Mason "The Line" Dixon, and Rocky wins. I've always wondered how this Rocky movie series can be popular. Every time he gets raped in the ring and somehow comes back at the end, his body resembling black-and-blue clay, and yet he wins. What is more realistic would be a movie where Rocky's brain damage takes over and he talks to his dog about modern technology and knowing Mr. T for 3 days while eating plaster.

I can just imagine Stallone smoking a giant cigar at Planet Hollywood in Lincoln, Nebraska: "Hmmm....maybe, at 89-years-old, I should fight against a kid who will hit me so hard my grandchildren vomit....sounds like another 100-million-dollar sequel." If you've ever thought Hollywood fucks up your brain, this is the most glaring example. Stay tuned for Indiana Jones: The Ravages of Time, 2008. Fitting title. This film should be called Rocky Balboa: Give me a fucking break.

Beerfest

Watch the trailer here.

Oh holy God, Broken Lizard is back with a better film than that steaming piece of shit served up on a plate of ass hair known as Club Dread. Super Troopers was a fantastic film for what it was: a frat boy, quotable comedy with nonsense as it's main drive and ridiculousness following close behind (see: Zoolander, Talladega Nights and Anchorman). Jay Chandrasekhar, the chief writer of the Broken Lizard films (and comedy whilst at Colgate College) and many great "Arrested Development" episodes has stuck to what his audience craves - drugs, booze and stupid, stupid actions. Club Dread was a bomb and made me laugh about as much as getting hit in the face with a rusty axe.

The trailer succeeds in many ways. It leaves the audience asking "What the fuck was that?" which is essential for a random comedy like Beerfest. It also has moments that people will talk about even after seeing whatever movie they're at - when Chandrasekhar suavely talks to the woman with a "killer line," and actually just slurs out some typical drunken bullshit. Plus, we've all been there. How many times have you been in a bar talking to a cute girl and realized you just vomited on her and called her friend a "royal fat anus."

Eric Christian Olsen and Will Forte, along with the Broken Lizard team, promise to be great. The trailer is moronic, and I am thoroughly pumped for the film. Well done, boys, well done. In the spirit of the film, I will quote the great philosopher Montaigne from his chapter "On Drunkenness": "The worst condition of humans is when they lose knowledge and control of themselves." Hell yes, can't wait for two hours of mankind's worst condition.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I was talking to Spiffae about this trailer and he said “I felt like I was watching a trailer for a video game.” I agree. But I don’t care.

Sure, there is a certain lack of characterization, pathos, conflict, or really anything that would indicate any sort of narrative behind the actions of the Ninja Turtles, but come on! They are jumping around on rooftops! They are wielding ninja weapons like they are things that could really hurt you! They look really cool!

The first TMNT film was the only good one. And apparently they are continuing the storyline of the original film in some way, as the defeat Shredder is mentioned in the official description. But they need to carry over more than just the story to make this one another winner. They need to carry over the incredibly positive male role models as well.

People always chuckle when I say this, but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Motion Picture contains the best portrays of male characters ever seen in a kids movie. The Turtles hug each other. They fight, but they always apologise after. They cry when they are sad. And most important, they tell each other they love each other. How many other tweenager movies can you think of where the male leads share a tearful embrace with his brother and tells him he loves him. This happens in the first TMNT movie!! Watch it if you don’t believe me!

Anyway, I doubt that heavy stuff will make it into this new version. So just enjoy the trailer and relive a little bit of your childhood.