Employee of the Month

Watch the trailer here.

Three stoned monkeys standing around a beer pong table thought of this one - you might be familiar with their work. They did Dodgeball, Accepted, Boys Don't Cry (sober) and The Ringer.

Formula: Introduce likeable familiar comedian in human and abnormal setting for said comedian, in this case a Costco. Introduce the “Pussy Prize,” usually with large, fake “honkers,” pearly white teeth and an embarrassing lack of acting talent – Jessica “Flavor of the Week (it’s been a cosmically long week)” Simpson. Then add a sprinkle of random, on the way down from “celebrity” stars: Andy Dick,and that guy who drank Harry’s piss in Dumb & Dumber. And, finally, add a “Funny Foe,” in this case the household name – Dax Shephard – you might remember him from “Punk’d” and more “Punk’d” and his sidekick, the Mexican politician from extremely overrated Napoleon Dynamite, Pedro. American wholesale has never looked so goddamn hilarious.

Dane Cook running into the forklift and getting hit in the nuts by a ball – gold, where did you creative monkey retards think of that? Buster Keaton thought about coming back to life, but he saw the last ten years of movies like this. I’m being silly, Keaton can’t think or process thought – he’s fucking dead.

The thing that redeems this trailer - and my intentions of seeing the film – is pretty simple. The line, “She slides into the sack like a singed koala looking for an all-night burn center.” Holy guacamole. Reminds me of the very un-comic time I saw a singed philharmonic orchestra at an all-night burn center, something about a molotov cocktail and an angry second violinist.

I love that Dane Cook has those lawsuit-inducing roller shoes and he’s certainly a pretty funny dude, but this trailer and the idea of this movie is retarded. So retarded, it seems, that it will surely be quoted in frat houses and by fuckheads like me for the next three years to a lifetime. Well done, Hollywood, your formula once again spells millions in proceeds. I hate our culture and yet I happily suck on the teat of it daily – drink up morons, it tastes so, so good.

Babel

A day late... apologies.

So what can I say? This is a phenomenal trailer for a movie that will most likely be excellent, but seems to play right into my mindset right now. Having just spent the year in Japan, a movie about people struggling to communicate hits me right where I enjoy being hit. Throw in an absolutely dynamite cast, an awesome director (Forget 21 Grams and Amorres Perros, he directed Powder Keg in The Hire!), and I think this is going to be a phenomenal movie...for me. Let's score this out.

There are a number of good points here worth mentioning. First is that Brad Pitt is acting in a serious role. This doesn't seem so amazing until you look at a list of his recent movies. Oceans 11 and 12, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Friends, The Mexican, Spy Game, Snatch, and Fight Club. Before that it was some drivel, Meet Joe Black, and Se7en. Now I'm not saying these movies are bad, there are a lot of fun movies in there, but other than Se7en and to a lesser extent Fight Club, it looks a lot like the list of someone who chooses his movies based on what silly costumes, cool cars, or big guns he gets to play with if he signs on. They are all movies that I imagine would be really fun to work on, but there isn't a lot of meat there, nothing I would call a great film. Lot's of good movies, no great films. Despite all of this I find Brad Pitt compelling in all his movies, intensely charismatic, and capable of a degree of intensity that is not often matched. For those reasons, I think he will do a phenomenal job in this movie.

1 point for Babel for taking Brad seriously.

Next up is the fact that one of the stories takes place in Japan. I am in the final days of my love affair with Japan, and when I see these beautiful shots of Tokyo and I have been to these places, I can't help but want to see the movie. The shot of the two girls in their high school uniforms parting ways is just perfect, and captures something truly Japanese. In fact, that's what I like about all the Japan shots - each one is perfect, a moment's observation by someone who knows and loves the place.

1 point for each ridiculously short skirt, so 2 points for Babel. Score: 3.

The final part of this that speaks to me directly is the last title that comes on before the credits: If you want to be understood...listen. I feel like my blogs are spilling into each other, but that is something that I wish someone would tell all people who are thrown into situations that they don't understand. In this year I have listened more carefully than I may have ever before in my life, listening that tires you out at the end of the day and makes you learn ten new things every day - listening that with patience allows you to be understood. So that last bit - I wholeheartedly agree.

2 points to Babel for saying the truest thing I can think of. Score 5

Other things that deserve scores.

1 point for each beautiful location: Morocco, Mexico/the border, Japan. 3 Points. Score 8.

1 point for excellent typography and design, especially the title card. Score 9.

That leaves us at a mind boggling nine points for the Babel trailer. That is an unprecedented score, quite possibly never to be matched again. Go watch this trailer and agree with me.

You can agree with me here.

John Tucker Must Die

Its almost funny how wrong things can go sometimes.

In 1975, the great experimental film-maker Alejandro Jorodowsky began pre-production on a film version of Frank Herbert’s Dune. Jorodowsky’s Dune was to be a 14-hour epic, starring Salvador Dali as the universe’s mad emperor, ruling from a toilet shaped throne on a solid gold planet. Duke Leto Atreides was a matador who had been castrated during ritual combat with a bull. Paul was to have been conceived miraculously, as the Duke’s blood inseminated his concubine. The Spice became a living blue sponge. H.R. Giger and Moebius were in charge of set and costume design. Pink Floyd was to compose a full original soundtrack. In the end of course, it was never made. There was never even a script. The producers found out Jorodowsky had spent almost two million dollars without shooting even a single frame of film. They pulled the plug.

The film rights bounced around for a couple years, until they eventually ended up with Dino De Laurentis. He in turn entrusted it to a young man who had released two films at that point. One was a nightmarish labor of love and the other a period drama which cemented him as a Hollywood director.

So David Lynch directed Dune.

And it was bad.

Like, really, really bad.

But it gets worse.

David Lynch gave up directing Return of the Jedi to direct Dune.

Sometimes, I like to pretend that I live in a world where Alejandro Jorodowsky’s Dune and David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi exist. It is not necessarily a world that makes much sense. It is a world that many would find strange and frightening. But it has to be a better world than one where this movie exists.

Thanks for listening.

Have a good night.

The Illusionist

Watch the trailer here.

Abysmal. Like I just shit myself and I don't even care because I am so disappointed with this trailer. This is an absolutely ridiculous trailer given the history of this story’s story.

The short story, written by Steven Millhauser, a friend and former creative writing professor of mine, is brilliant in every sense - a crafted metaphor for any daring artist. What happens when our talents begin to scare others? What occurs when our ability to mesmerize is misunderstood? Millhauser brilliantly details this challenge in 20 pages, but this trailer seems to indicate that director Neil Burger lost his way somewhere. Unfamiliar with the name Neil Burger? That's because he's an idiot.

The trailer looks like a high school-comedy group skit, not a movie. Poor accents, no substance and a fat kid (Giamatti) who seems the most entertaining. And Jessica Biel worthy of Eisenheim? She looks like she is: a typical large-lipped American girl – give me a break. At least cast Eva Green, Selma Hayek (that wouldn’t be hard given Mr. Norton bonks her), or Ashley Olsen – someone who can play the mysterious, sexual temptress – not some fucking Midwestern cheerleader.

The greatest thing that can happen in this movie would be if Eisenheim made Biel quit acting – or have Freddie Prinze fall from the sky and impale himself on her. The entire trailer feels campy – the only redeeming thing besides Giamatti talking with a very bogus Austrian accent is when Norton makes the apparition appear and then it shows Norton walking down the street doing his best Deniro Taxi Driver impression. It’s like, finally, “I’m a fucking magician you fucks, bring it on Pig Vomit.” I’m looking forward to the visuals of the film – the soft lights and Viennese sets – but the screen writing already feels forced and stilted. They should have let Millhauser finish his work and write his own script. The guy is a literary rock star.

It’s going to suck. Sad for Millhauser, but he will be comforted by his large, phallic Pulitzer Prize and his imagination – something that’s utterly lacking West of the california state line – you heard me, Dave Eggers and Pauley Shore.

Children of Men

Being a Friday writer, I often get to write about the choice Friday trailer releases. Today is one of those days, and Children of Men is the trailer.

First of all, I had no idea what this movie was about, who was in it, who was directing - I didn't know anything until I read the "Drama, Action, Adventure" and starring Clive Owen. I was immediately interested, but had no idea what it was about. Rather than reiterate the trailer's voice over, I'll just encourage you to go watch this excellent trailer.

Now to talk about it. I like the trailer. No, I love the trailer. The art direction is excellent. The pacing is really good, even the typography on the text is fantastic. But as this is a good trailer, mostly it just makes me excited for the movie it is advertising. There are elements in this trailer of two movies that I really liked, but had some problems with: War of the Worlds, and 28 Days Later.

Without getting into extensive reviews, I loved the beginning of War of the Worlds, as society fell apart. The masses of people trying to escape something they don't understand, the complete breakdown of society, the brutal human nature showing itself alternately in ferocious mobs and moments of utter despair. I loved when the military mobilized against the aliens, the juxtaposition of convoys driving through small roads in New England, ignoring citizens and treating home soil as a battlefield. I wanted more of the mobs, more of the highways littered with crashed cars, people turned to animals over a gun, or a car. I was significantly less interested when they started sneaking around the tripods and using some yankee ingenuity to fight back. I was bored and annoyed when there was an "everything is ok, no one even go hurt" happy ending.

28 Days later was good, but it skipped the part I was most interested in. The guy wakes up after society has collapsed, everything is destroyed and there are zombies everywhere, and that's all well and good, but really I wanted to see those 28 days. I wanted to see London collapse, I wanted to see why that bus was on its side, I wanted to see some people trying to live normally as the world destroyed itself outside. War of the Worlds did it too quickly, and 28 days later implied and talked about exactly what I wanted to see, but couldn't show it.

Then there's the Children of Men trailer - it is exactly what I wanted to see. Women have all become infertile, and it's been 18 years since a baby was born. Society is halfway through tearing itself apart. A brutal police state is supressing the growing mob who know there is nothing left to live for, and that humanity will be gone in fifty years. Yes, yes, yes. There are tanks in the street, buses and trains all have reinforced windows, security checkpoints are everywhere, but there are still coffee shops and the news is on the air, reporting the end of the world. Clive "awesome" Owen and Michael "even more awesome" Caine are in it, and neither has shaved in a while. The tanks and troops are on the streets, and bombs are going off. The sets are fantastic, the future world looks spectacularly well realized, and in short, this trailer is delicious.

When they set up the conflict, that Clive has to drive a woman across England, I did actually chuckle a bit, and clearly there is no way he will fail. Clive, after all, got his big start driving BMWs really fast and really well. Though he has since acted in dozens of good movies, he is forever the nameless "Driver" to me.

Drive, Clive, Drive.

Note: At the time of writing, the HD link on the page I linked at the beginning is broken. You can find the trailers in glorious HD here.

Dead Man's Shoes

I don’t have too much to say about this trailer aside from: enjoy.

The brits seem to have realized that what makes the best scary movies (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left, Zombi) really disturbing is making them so low budget that they are way, way too real.

It also helps to put someone onscreen who seems genuinely disturbed. Good job.

The Science of Sleep

Watch the wonderous trailer here.

Michel Gondry knows my darkest thoughts. Recently, at a local brothel, I mentioned to a friend how desperately I wanted to see Gabriel Garcia Bernal run into an oak door. Gondry delivered. Plus, The Strokes “Fear of Sleep” is playing when he does it (I once ate a live catfish to that song – it has such an effect on me).

Surreal filmmakers, writers and artists need to lay their heads on Gondry's furry tummy and listen to his fairytales from Versailles, his stories of wanting to be an inventor and drumming for Kanye West. He's a brilliant man. If you’re unfamiliar with Gondry you’re mistaken – he’s created some of the most recognizable music videos of recent years. The White Stripes “The Hardest Button to Button,” The Chemical Brothers “I’ve been 12 forever,” and Daft Punk’s “Around the World,” to name a few mind-numbingly cool ones. He also directed Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which The Science of Sleep feels like a lower budget sketch for, even though it was produced after that film. For me the best thing about his imaginative projects is his willingness to steer clear of CG effects – it keeps the viewer in the movie and not distracted by bullshit. This way you can focus on the real questions: “What the fuck is going on in this surreal ass movie? Was that a seal smoking a spliff?” Even the fictional horse is merely a horse with a large cloth taped to his fur – brilliant work, Michel.



The trailer has the same feel as his trailer for Eternal Sunshine: there’s too much going on - all of it immensely entertaining - he’s simply showing too much. Yet any of his fans know that there will be so much more imagination, comedy and quirkiness in the film, he won’t let us down in that respect. The movie might suck toenail dirt, but the bizarreness and visual-brilliance will still be better than any other director.

If you laugh at things most people won’t admit to laughing at, e.g., Ayn Rand’s followers, fireflies, twenty-year-olds talking million-dollar real estate and Ethan Hawke’s writing career, then you’ll love this movie. I have every idea what I’m talking about.

The Prestige

Finally, after a monster dry spell, a new big trailer shows up - and it's a good one. Christopher "I can kind of do no wrong" Nolan has put together a dynamite cast that is essentially the cast of Batman Begins plus Scarlett Johansson and Hugh Jackman. The story seems to be a period fantasy about two competing magicians, and the entire movie appears to be shot in pale yellow and brown. I would say this is a pretty good trailer, but I'm willing to bet that if there was more money there, or closer to the movie's release, we'll get something amazing. As it stands now, the beginning is a little weak, but the second half is gold, mostly due to Michael Caine's voice over.

What I like about this trailer is that it works on the same premise as a magic trick, as described by Mr. Caine. The first part - The Pledge - where the magician introduces the trick: That would be the text on the screen during the first bit establishing Hugh and Christian as competing magicians. The second part - The Turn - where things take a turn for the extraordinary: A trailer about a rivalry becomes a trailer about a man who may be a magician without tricks. And the third part - The Prestige - "this is the part that twists and turns. Where lives hang in the balance." That is just hinted at, magic tricks going wrong, things getting surreal and chaotic, and and then before you understand what is going on, it's over, and the show is over. Much like I imagine the magicians in this movie would perform a trick.

This does raise the question - Are magic tricks and trailers really just pure examples of short storytelling, a necessity due to their extremely limited time frame, or is this an especially nicely structured trailer?

I don't much care, I could just listen to Michael Caine say "The Prestige" all day.

Spider Man 3 Teaser

He doesnt look like the victim of an Alien Symbiote.

He just looks the victim of bad lighting.

EDIT:

So, due to Spiffae's nasty comment Spiffae's rousing agreement on this post, I decided to go back and give the teaser another look. Guess what: I still can't get past the costume.

With the first film in the trilogy, Sam Raimi did something no other director had done at that point. He perfectly captured the movement of a character that we had only ever imagined moving. There was so much power and beauty in the way Spider Man moved, it replaced whatever we had pictured in our heads. This was truly a superhero come to life.

Because of this, I am not alone in saying I have been excited to see the Black Costume on screen since I saw the first trailer for Spider Man 1. I heard that they were saving it for the third movie and I am glad they did. It is no secret that I loathed Spider Man 2. The reasons need not be explained at length, it was just too scattered for my tastes. But ever since I have been secretly excited for 3. The Black Costume! Fanboys rejoice! Here was the Canon! Here was Venom and Carnage! And they give me this?

The black costume should be Night. It should be Darkness. It takes the basest impulses in the wearer and brings them to the surface. It should move like a shadow across the screen. It made Peter Parker from your friendly neighborhood Spider Man into a brutal judge, jury and executioner. It turned Eddie Brock into a Beast called Venom that really, really wanted to eat someone’s brains. And the best they can do is a different colored version of the original suit. It isn’t even totally black! The back of the head looks maroon in most of the shots!

If I was able to get past the suit, I would say that, as always, whoever edits the Spider Man trailers is an unqualified genius. From the very beginning they were perfect. Spiffae can testify that I made him watch the original Spider Man trailer upwards of ten times in a row before the release of the first film. That is not an exaggeration. Spider Man 2 had that car through the window sequence that was pure money. And Spider Man 3 is no exception. In a minute and 37 seconds they give you all the characters, their relationships, some great action shots, and reams of footage of the (hated) new costume. Kudos to the editor.

But that fucking costume…

The Great New Wonderful

Watch the trailer here.

Finally, after his breakout role in RV, Will Arnett is in a serious movie – and what a fucking atrocious movie it seems, too. I pray, pray, pray that at some point "Job" does a magic trick, or else the movie is a complete waste of your time. And the movie has such potential with the star-studded cast: Tony Shaloub, Edie "Leprosy Lover" Falco, Stephen Colbert and Jim Gaffigan, one of my favorite comedians, all are in the roster. However, Edie Falco’s standup comedy is kinda crap – sorry Edie, but the whole, “You know what I hate about Whops…” lines are tired and frankly not very funny. I love your take on Puerto Ricans, however.

What I don’t understand about this movie is the association with September 11, 2001, besides that it was filmed in New York City. Otherwise it’s just boring and troubled people doing sometimes funny things, sometimes deeply sad. Existences are existences and I don’t need to pay $12 bucks to watch Maggie Gyllenhaal in a mid-life crisis (stick to roles like Secretary, which changed my sex life indelibly). “After everything that’s happened, I still cannot believe that nothing has changed,” says Falco. This seems to be the thesis of the film and the trailer.

You’re right, Director Danny Leiner, to some nothing has really changed. So what? Does it need to be the subject of two hours of film? And everything has changed, asshole. Look across the East River towards where those two giant towers full of many individuals used to stand and you’ll notice quite a tragic view. Oh and the whole war thing. I have an opinion that many, many Americans, Afghanis, and Iraqis would disagree with your assertion. So, stop being retarded and make a real movie. Here’s an idea, free of charge: a little-known blogger decides to marry an insecure Israeli model and start a rock band named “Smashboard Confessional.” They live a happy, highly sexually experimental existence until…his concert-death is tragic when a prank goes horribly awry – he swallows a pillow-full of milk. There you go – anything is better than The Great New Wonderful.

The Puffy Chair

This is more a critique of odd marketing, but since trailers are pretty crucial in movie marketing, I will go about my business with only the usual burden of guilt and sorrow.

The Puffy Chair: The synopsis on apple.com goes like this:

Josh has failed at being a NYC indie rocker. Josh has failed at being a booking agent. Josh’s life is pretty much in the toilet. When he tries to figure out where it all went wrong he comes up with an idea that would be a small, yet life changing victory. He decides to purchase a 1985 Lazy Boy on eBay and deliver it cross-country.
Comedy

Sounds good so far - any movie whose trailer synopsis involves someone's life being in the toilet must be funny, right? Delivering a Lazy Boy cross country? Sounds a lot like the much-needed sequel to Road Trip.

Let's look at the trailer, play by play. Once they set up the story, we get the Daily Mirror telling us that this is "The funniest, hippest, twentysomething relationship drama of the year." First of all, I would raise the question - how many twentysomething relationship dramas are there a year? Five? That is like saying "The funniest, hippest, stock car racing comedy of the year" - it's not bad, but does it really mean anything? I posit that no, it does not. Immediately after that we get "Laugh out loud funny..." from Variety. What went where that ellipsis is? It seems like a perfect place for a qualifier, like "Laugh out loud funny, if you have no soul" or "Laugh out loud funny in an alternate universe where sad things are funny and make you laugh." - and that really gets to the core of what I am thinking about this trailer. This is not a funny trailer, it is a serious and kind of rough indie relationship trailer about unhappy people trying to be happy with each other.

Once the funny cards are past, the trailer essentially consists of a boyfriend making a nice dinner for his girlfriend, then he ignores her and gets on the phone and she smashes everything on the table. Ha ha. After that the same boy screams in the face of an old man over a piece of used furniture while his friend looks on. Hilarious. Then a card tells us this is one of the best American films of the past ten years, and then they end the trailer with this bit:

Boy (angrily): You want me to be this dude that I am not!
Girl: If you asked me to marry you right now, I would say yes. I would marry you and I would grow old with you and I would have your babies (she starts crying ) I would, because that's why I'm this relationship - because I love you. And I want that.

That is some comic genius. Watching that bit, which is done in a poorly lit room with a single handheld camera on this girl, I did not feel like I should chuckling to myself at the hip comedy of it all, I felt like I was watching a relationship come to that awful breaking point where one person puts everything out there, and suddenly there's a tremendous weight on everything you say and everything you do, and it's not funny at all.

So why market it as a comedy?

Trailer(apple.com)

Charlotte's Web

Purity is not a word that I toss about too often. But there is purity in the writings of E.B. White.

Charlotte’s Web is a pure book. It is a polite book. It is a book with manners. It is a book that your grandmother probably gave you when you were 14 and too old to for it. But she wanted you to have it anyway because she thought your parents were raising you poorly and reading Charlotte’s Web would make you less of a shit. But at that point, you had probably read it or seen the excellent Hanna Barbara animated musical adaptation (I still love the song that Templeton and the Goose sing about a fair being “a veritable smorgasbord”) and if neither had an affect on you when you were younger you were probably hopeless. And your grandmother knew that. But she hoped. She saw they were making a big Hollywood adaptation of the book she so wanted you to love. Perhaps, here was a chance for your younger brother or sister at least to have a shot at a good life.

Then she saw the trailer.

Your grandmother does not think it is a classy thing when a cow farts on a rat. There is a distinct lack of purity in that act.

Note to Hollywood: They already made a classy live-action version of Charlotte’s Web. IT WAS CALLED BABE. We did this once already. You will not make a better movie about a pig, so why even try? I even chose a still from the Babe trailer as the frontispiece for this post. Admit it, you had no idea.

Grandma knew though, grandma knew.

The U.S. vs. John Lennon

Watch the trailer here.

So, apparently there was a band named "The Beatles" and they had this front man, John Lennon. Now they're making a movie about his war efforts. I think this movie is going to be amazing: what happens when a total fucking wanker starts representing the anti-war movement? Lennon is a precursor to Cindy Sheehan, but you too can tell that he lacks her insight, her magnificent wit, her Wilde-ian demeanor - LENNON'S NOT CINDY, AND HE NEVER WILL BE (which is truly, truly sad).

In 1967 Lennon said, "We're more popular than Jesus now. Oh, and I'm a total douche." I can see where he's coming from - in the 1960s Jesus's ratings in US News and World Report were through the roof. I just love these anti-war movies -the last comment tying Mr. Johnson (LBJ) and Mr. Bush shows the true agenda of this filmic abortion. If you want to make a movie that tells people how awful war is, just hold a camera on the front page of the New York Times every morning for a year. I see enough of the awfulness on television and in the news, I don't want to pay $10 bucks to watch holier-than-thou John Lennon preaching his hippy bullshit. When will people realize that sometimes it takes seemingly-awful deeds to rectify future horror? Saddam Hussein: not a nice guy. Robert Mugabe: similar to Hussein, except more murder and severed children's heads being used as soccer balls. Ho Chi Minh: not a nice guy, would have declared war on all of the far East if he had the chance - oh, and he would anally rape John Lennon and his "Free Spirit" if he had the chance - and probably with a blunt spoon.



AD once told me, "Marc David Chapman was the greatest thing to happen to the Beatles." I think this is an insanely astute point. I don't really like their music. I think their appeal completely misses me. And the idea that a musician and his toss of a wife represent what we should want to be is laughable. Want to go see a great anti-war movie? 9 1/2 Weeks.