Blood Diamond

Spiffae and I discussed the Blood Diamond Trailer today.

Spiffae: They should call this movie "Black Hawk Diamond"

Spiffae: No diamond left behind

AD: I don't know what accent Leonardo Dicaprio is using, but he sounds like the girl in my office who does Harry Potter LARPing

AD: Which is to say, fucking dumb.

Spiffae: What if the preview was completely misleading, and it was actually a movie about high-end LARPing?

Spiffae: I mean people who are really into LARPing.

AD: It actually all takes place in Muncie Indiana and the people are all just hell of into it.

Spiffae: Leonardo DiCaprio's character is a level 15 shithead, who rolls a 20-sided dice to see if he should say "America is bling bling. Here is bling bang."

Spiffae: You can tell that they are really into it because of the amount of shots of people with their mouths wide open.

Spiffae: It's like the whole movie takes place in that closet from The Ring.

AD: Actually, I think its just that LARPing naturally attracts mouth breathers.

Spiffae: There's a shot, when the kid is getting taken on the truck, and everyone's mouth is open.

Spiffae: That's four people in one shot.

Spiffae: They look like a 50s pop group.

AD: I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but Jesus, how does something like that “bling bang” line come to be put in a major studio film, much less be used in the trailer.

Spiffae: Dude, this trailer is ass, why are we talking about it. Every time I watch it, I hate it more.

Spiffae: This trailer is removing my Thanksgiving cheer.

Spiffae: This trailer is the opposite of Turkey.

AD: Alright. Then lets end it with an old thanksgiving saying "In America it’s Gobble Gobble, Here it’s Gobble Goebbels"

Spiffae: See, now there is a good idea.

Death of a President

Watch the trailer here.

What I like about this trailer is that it essentially does nothing. Certainly, it proposes an absurd idea that seems almost impossible nowadays - the assassination of the most guarded man in the world. This, inherently, is the attraction of such a movie in essentially the same way as 28 Days Later, The Day After Tomorrow, and Horse Feathers, but more so Horse Feathers. The impossible happens, how does society react? Other than that though, nothing happens - it entices you with absolute bullshit, and if you see it, you're a fucking idiot.

What's effective is the echoes of 9/11: "We weren't just rounding up people, we had probable cause," and the talks of a major, catastrophic security breach - both of these comments are directly tied to 9/11 for obvious reasons. In many ways, this movie plays on the gross hopes of the populace - the death of George Bush, although, of course, this is a moronic hope. Have you ever lived under martial law? That's what would happen if Laura Bush ran this country, that greedy, savage monkey. Also the news casters who talk of reports of a shooting incident, darkly reminiscent of an "accidental plane crash in downtown Manhattan."

Many critics have panned the movie. Moreso, many have loved it, including the judges of the Critics Prize at the Toronto Film Festival. However, I couldn't give two shits about such tripe. Why see this movie, what could it possibly teach me except a "What If?" that seems almost impossible. Want to give me a great "what if?" how about a movie about if NewsCorp, AlJazeera and Starbucks merged? That would be a hell of a merger. Or, what if a killer bear destroyed the Congress of the United States? Again, fascinating. But this seems ridiculous.

The Nativity Story

Watch the trailer here.

When the first images for this trailer come up, you expect an insane cougar to run through and slaughter a baby speaking gibberish - it feels like The Passion of the Christ 2, but alas, it's The Nativity Story. This was the first feature film ever to premier at the Vatican, and it makes sense, since it's about Jews. And I'm happy that it tackles the whole "immaculate conception thing," I mean, look at Mary, we all know she did just about everyone in town. Even the Angel Gabriel, played by the excellent Alexander Siddiq, claims to have tapped that ass (Matthew 10.16.Blue.42). My major issue: The girl who plays Mary might be the worst actress ever, or she's legally retarded. I mean, profoundly retarded. "I have broken no vow" comes with no passion, no sense that she really means it. Those words matter, bitch, make them sound like you're not reading them from a cue card.

When I show up at that theater this December - a day early so I can bring my donkey and get permission for an animal in the theater - I expect Mary to not be in it. Dear Director, cut that bitch out of the movie. For the good of Jesus, kill his mother. Kill Mary. She doesn't even act like a person would 2000 years ago - have you seen her press olives? Amatuer hour. Or milk goats? Minor league skank. The movie and the trailer is dotted with moments that feal supernatural - I know, three wise men, light from the heavens - it's supposed to be that way. But why couldn't Jesus have been born from two parents who actually did have sex? Why couldn't the wise men have been thieves who realized the error of their ways when they met baby JC? I would like that story better. As it stands now, I feel like Jesus was just another dude like you and I, and his parents and those around him kept building up with fabricated stories of glory. "Did you see Jesus today? He totally threw a camel a furlong!" "Did you see Jesus today? The guy has such a wonderous cock." "Did you see Jesus today? He totally walked away from me in the middle of a story about mir."

P.S. In light of The Nativity Story, check out this trailer.

Zodiac

I have a lot of trouble trying to figure David Fincher out. Is he a genius, a visionary director who sometimes falters when he lets his vision take over a script? Is he a lot of style and no substance? Do I just like him because when I saw Fight Club six-odd years ago, I thought it was the best movie ever made? I’m still not sure, and the new trailer for Zodiac doesn’t help me at all.

On one hand, it looks like a return to form (and by form, I mean the style of Seven – which, coincidentally is spelled Seven, not Se7en. I hate number letters.) – the movie has a nice ensemble cast, the story focused around a super serial killer, and it seems like at least a few people will have complete nervous breakdowns in the course of the movie. All of that sounds good so far.

The thing is, for whatever reason, I’m not convinced. Maybe I’m just wary after the disappointment that was Panic Room, but this is a really good trailer for a movie that just doesn’t seem to have that hook that makes it really great. Maybe they left something out, but after watching that very nice trailer, I have no desire to see the movie. Everything seems fine, but all together it doesn’t interest me. Is that the fault of the trailer, or the movie it’s advertising?

Watch the trailer here.

Arthur and the Invisibles

La Femme Nikita, The Professional, and The Fifth Element. Three of my top ten movies when I graduated from high school. They have since been usurped by other, slightly more intelligent fare. But I will always hold a deep and abiding love for these films, and the man who made them: Luc Besson.

Now, Mr. Besson has spent the last 8 years producing and writing what seems like hundreds of different projects, here and around the world. But he hasn’t directed anything since The Fifth Element (we’ll just ignore The Messenger, even if it has Spiffae’s girlfriend in it). And that is really a shame, as he is a truly visionary director.

Scoff if you want, but the man directed the two finest hitman films ever made! Also, I dare you to watch The Fifth Element and show me any film from the 90s that comes anywhere near the level of creativity shown even if the most throw-away shots in that film. It is just breathtaking.

So it is with great excitement that I watched the trailer for the Besson directed Arthur and the Invisibles (Arthur and the Minimoys if you are some country cooler than America). And I really like it. It is clearly different from everything else he has done, but that is what makes it so much fun! It looks bright, beautiful, and sharply animated. The design is somewhere between Fraggle Rock, The Dark Crystal, and Oddworld, the jokes are simple but effective, and most shocking, it looks like a kid’s movie that is actually made for kids. I enjoy this current crop of slyly self-referential, meta-joke making “kid’s” movies just as much as the next 20-something post-hipster, but what the hell happened to movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids or The Neverending Story? Movies for kids that don’t care whether they entertain the grown-ups that brought them. Arthur and The Invisibles looks to be that kind of kids movie.

I am a little wary of is the rather uninspired vocal talent. I love David Bowie, but its not like he has some amazing speaking voice that needs to be showcased in some ridiculous super villain. The same goes for Madonna, not to mention that she seems to be voicing the romantic lead for a 12 year old. Does that seem inappropriate to anyone else? And Snoop Dog? Yikes.

But, you take the bad with the good.

So, watch the trailer and enjoy it for what it is. The triumphant return of one of the best directors out there.

Crispin Glover's What is it?

Watch the trailer here.

Crispin Glover, of Marty McFly fame, has had a tremendous career. What impresses me most is his "family movies," meaning films you can take the kids to - you don't need to leave them at Aunt Mildred's, you don't need to conveniently forget them in a nearby town. You can take them to see What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Back to the Future, or Bartleby. With What is it? not only has he created a family movie, he's also made something I can give my dad for Christmas.

A young man (Glover) with a dark and wild imagination is haunted by a Demi-God, also played by Glover. With only salt, a pipe, snails (although I'd wager the snail is the true Demi-God) and the dream to get home. This sounds promising - it's Caligula meets "The Odyssey" meets Crispin Glover acting like a fucking idiot. This is one of those trailers that will play before some arthouse crowd, some goatee-wearing douche will turn to me at the end and be like, "How interesting, no? One would wager..." and then I will pull down my pants and pee on his copy of "The Stranger" that he perpetually reads and quotes to bored sorority girls.

Large breasted women wearing African animal heads crawling around on all fours? Yeah, that's in there. Have you ever been really stoned and paranoid and thought your friend's mom was calling your name, but in French while tarantulas crawled all over her naked body? That's the feeling I get when Glover's voiceover says, "Good. He's dead." Oh and there's a retarded man dressed as a King and another dressed as a woman who simply moans. Not since James Joyce have I been so impressed by the imagination and artistry of a modern artist. Anyway...If this movie is watched by anyone other than Glover and his ever-encouraging mother, I will be shocked.

Swastikas, hundreds of characters with down syndrome and Glover on a throne - these images seem odd? And what's the deal with the retarded, cross-dressing leader? I mean, c'mon dude. He defended his choices of imagery in a 2005 interview: "It's really a film to help start these kinds of discussions. Why are these things taboo, and what does that mean for the culture itself? A culture will die a death of stupidity if it doesn't have different points of view." Certainly, and what a point of view to take into account Mr. Glover - it's time our culture takes into account the freaks in the forest you've filmed, all ruled by you or a snail. What a pile of shit, nice one, McFly.

Happy Feet

What is it with all the CG animated movies of penguins? I mean, penguins are kind of cool, what with their marches and all that, but two separate movies, one about surfing penguins, and one about singing-and-tap-dancing penguins? Wtf?

Even more baffling, is the fact that both of these movies have great trailers. I talked about the Surf's Up trailer a while ago, and then just recently someone pointed me to the Happy Feet trailer 2. These are ballsy trailers! Surf's up was done in a slow documentary style, and now this happy feet is just a music video of Robin Williams in penguin form singing "My Way" in Spanish?? That's it, the whole trailer: a Sinatra song, sung in Spanish, in the arctic, by a penguin. Genius!

In my heart of hearts I hope that Robin Williams can capture some of the magic of his voice work in Aladdin here. I'm not sure if that is possible, especially when playing a hispanic penguin (that is a pretty ridiculous notion, if you think about it) - but I remain optimistic.

Trailer here. (Apple)

The Number 23

I don’t particularly care for Jim Carrey. This doesn’t make me a minority. I don’t think a lot of people care for him. I don’t have anything clever or pithy to say about why I don’t like him, either. I think he is obnoxious when he tries to be funny, and I think he is overly schmaltzy when he does drama.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t like me some movies about people who go all psycho because they start to see insane patterns in their lives. This happened to me with pi once. Sorry, I meant pie. And actually, I was just eating a lot of pie for a while. So, its not really the same thing.

Also, does anyone else think that they put Virginia Madsen’s neck on upside-down?

Watch the trailer and enjoy the numb3r w0rd5.

Christmas at the Maxwell's

At first this feels like a SNL spoof of a Christmas movie - there's a chick that sorta looks like Amy Poehler, overwrought, cheesy music and images of family. The only thing that's lacking is Jimmy Fallon walking onto the scene and fucking up the skit entirely. The Christmas at the Maxwell's trailer has something that SNL lacks, however, and that is comedy. It's trying so hard to draw you into these b-level actors (the mom is from the Food Network), but it can't, because it sucks giant sentimental cock.

Watch the trailer here.

The plot continues to heighten in a way that would be acceptable for a decent movie - first, Mom has cancer, or Lupus, or something awful. Then, the empy photo album! A miscarriage and an outfit carved for "Lucy." Perhaps Lucy was born a goblinish creature and the mother, in a hysterical rage, drove Lucy to a cloud-beriddled "hospital" somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Not a day goes by that she doesn't think of Lucy, nor fears her pock-marked face appearing at the frosted window behind the television playing It's A Wonderful Life. Alas, Lucy was probably just plain and boring and died.

Also, the scene that follows the discovery of Lucy where the mom and her friend sit down. The friend says, "I see, you're taking all those - what's going on here?" Well, duh, Blanch, I have fucking cancer. You can't make this shit up.

P.S. How creepy is this Damien-esque child - he probably ate Lucy.




But, unlike the brilliant trailers of M. K. Shamalamadingdong, this trailer gives away the secret at it's heart: Christianity. "Let's pray, wendy," the little girl says to her transexual brother. Then a preist comes into the shot - no doubt having impure thoughts of dirt, smoke-filled parties and anus. I'm sorry, but even if it is a light, Christian romantic drama - make the trailer have some pace, something interesting. I mean, who is enticed by a film about a family going through cancer and a dead baby at Christmas time? Unless Mel Gibson shows up dressed in Aztec kill clothes and pins all the blame on the "Jew," I don't think I will be seeing it.

One Sentence Fridays!

Pan's Labyrinth
An R-rated fantasy tale, centering around World War 2 intrigue, a pretty girl, and really cool special effects - eyeball hands are merely a bonus!

The Messengers
We already knew kids were creepy, but here come the Pang brothers to show us that not only are kids creepy, you should never let a kid watch you make the bed.

Meet the Robinsons (trailer 5 - five?!)
The saddest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever captured on film.

Deja Vu (teaser)
A dynamite trailer comes of removing all of the audio and story from your abominable prior attempt; doesn't bode well for your film, Tony!