The Nativity Story

Watch the trailer here.

When the first images for this trailer come up, you expect an insane cougar to run through and slaughter a baby speaking gibberish - it feels like The Passion of the Christ 2, but alas, it's The Nativity Story. This was the first feature film ever to premier at the Vatican, and it makes sense, since it's about Jews. And I'm happy that it tackles the whole "immaculate conception thing," I mean, look at Mary, we all know she did just about everyone in town. Even the Angel Gabriel, played by the excellent Alexander Siddiq, claims to have tapped that ass (Matthew 10.16.Blue.42). My major issue: The girl who plays Mary might be the worst actress ever, or she's legally retarded. I mean, profoundly retarded. "I have broken no vow" comes with no passion, no sense that she really means it. Those words matter, bitch, make them sound like you're not reading them from a cue card.

When I show up at that theater this December - a day early so I can bring my donkey and get permission for an animal in the theater - I expect Mary to not be in it. Dear Director, cut that bitch out of the movie. For the good of Jesus, kill his mother. Kill Mary. She doesn't even act like a person would 2000 years ago - have you seen her press olives? Amatuer hour. Or milk goats? Minor league skank. The movie and the trailer is dotted with moments that feal supernatural - I know, three wise men, light from the heavens - it's supposed to be that way. But why couldn't Jesus have been born from two parents who actually did have sex? Why couldn't the wise men have been thieves who realized the error of their ways when they met baby JC? I would like that story better. As it stands now, I feel like Jesus was just another dude like you and I, and his parents and those around him kept building up with fabricated stories of glory. "Did you see Jesus today? He totally threw a camel a furlong!" "Did you see Jesus today? The guy has such a wonderous cock." "Did you see Jesus today? He totally walked away from me in the middle of a story about mir."

P.S. In light of The Nativity Story, check out this trailer.