Trailer Reviews: Move

Trailer Reviews has moved and the writers now reside on The Mild Bunch. Check it out.

Fred Clause

"I'm playing Santa; drunk, fat, chain-smoking Santa!"

View trailer.

In spite of all the crazy football games this weekend, I have given myself five to ten minutes to write a trailer review for Paul Giamatti's new movie Fred Claus which quickly comes out in about 360 days. Why advertise now? I don't know. My wager is that it was supposed to come out a few weeks ago, but something got fucked up and now Vince Vaughn and Giamatti have to wait a year to promote this truly shit idea. Why don't these guys get choosey? What is the deal with the Lady in the Water, The Break-Up, or Mr. and Mrs. Smith? These movies make me want to take my penis out, put it in an open drawer and slam that drawer shut. Add Fred Claus to the list. Penis hurts.

A fat guy and a drunk guy on the couch? You're Santa's brother? How have you lived forever like Santa, Vince? I mean, he's not 37-years-old like you. Add to my hell capping the trailer off with the last punchline: a wet willy. I mean, seriously. Also, when did Santa and his family go Jewish? These trailer is horrific and I really don't know why they have to re-make Wedding Crashers with Jewish Santas. I will probably see this, but unintentionally. Meaning: I will go out on a drinking-binge the night this movie comes out. I will sit in a seedy, Bukowski-ish bar somewhere in Upstate New York drinking martinis and beers and blood until I black out. I will wake up either hours or days later to the sound of Vince Vaughn. Some douche bag will have left me in some AMC Theater in Malta and I will have to watch this goddamn movie. Why, Vince Vaughn, oh why can't I wake up hungover with you in a serious drama? Or how about a sex scene with you, Anne Hathaway and Ron Howard?! Give it to me, Vince, cause otherwise this is the same shit movie you've made for the last 7 years. Shape up! Do Anne Hathaway.

Children of Men - Reviewed

Everyone is choking themselves on their popcorn for Children of Men. One person I saw the movie with literally shot himself in the head. It's just that good. The Village Voice's J. Hoberman, the rum-drinking lush, lauded one of the movie's gripping scenes, "The year's most brilliantly choreographed action sequence," and The Guardian called the film, "A brilliant vision of a dystopian future Britain." It's odd, because I almost always disagree with critics about films - it's a spite thing. A few years back, my father told me when we walked into The Sixth Sense that it was going to suck, and dammit, he was right. His prescience is phenomenal, even for a blind man with no dog. He ruined the whole thing. But, alas, in the case of COM, the critics are absolutely right, it's fucking fun.

Set twenty years from now in London (Orwell's London), Children of Men opens with the world on the brink of total - "it's okay to rob that old wanker" - apocalypse. Society is sliding into anarchy, the only people who keep order actually inflict horrific disorder (sorta like our army). It's like looking into a modern-day, fascist Nazi situation. Images are eerily reminiscent of Abu Ghraib, and, cleverly, like the graphic novel "V for Vendetta." Theo, played by Clive Owen dressed in a pig costume, is kidnapped by members of a "terrorist group" called "The Fishes," headed by Julianne Moore. I find issue here only that a woman could never lead a terrorist group (they're inferior), especially in a world where it's their fault they can't have babies. It has nothing to do with men. Men, of course, still rock-the-mic raw. However, Moore is Owen's estranged wife, and she asks him to lead Kee (the name inference is not lost on the most retarded of female viewers) to "The Human Project." Thus, Cuaron's awesome chase begins with all sorts of weird events, improbable but welcome twists, and, of course, a Bear is slaughetered for no reason whatsoever. Pure, trademark Cuaron.

Where I love this movie is where I actually disagree with the wonderful writers at Pajiba. "Perhaps the most compelling aspect of the film is Cuaron's somewhat hopeful outlook," they write. However, this is simply not true. I'll not spoil the ending here, but watch carefully in the last few shots. I think you'll find that there may be hope, but darkness and despair overpower this chilling view of a world that isn't just a fiction. For various reasons, it's very fathomable. Worse even, it's filmed and set in England - perhaps one of the least aesthetic people on the planet. Even their bosomy beauties are not as attractive as the little, pock-marked street urchins sucking on the meth pipes and sniffing paper-bag-hidden Elmers in Nebraska's weirdest rural suburbs. Yes, dear readers, a great, fun movie that leaves itself open to interpretation, but, moreso, gives you a thrill for a mere $12 dollars.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

So…I like this teaser a lot.

Shut up.

That’s right. I don’t care what you say. The Silver Surfer is the herald of Galactus, the Planet-Eater.Yeah, you read it right: Planets. How cool is that?

Additionally, this trailer very accurately recreates the chase between the Human Torch and the Silver Surfer from The Fantastic Four #48. I appreciate that.

Seriously, shut up.

For all you naysayers, I will offer this gem borrowed from a fellow blog: “Keep in mind while watching it, if he weren't silver, he'd just be a bald, naked, surfing man.”

Are We Done Yet?

This movie with Arsenio Hall and Janet Jackson looks like shit.

View the trailer here.

Eric Roberts and Mert's Favorites 2006

Shennanigans for 2006 commence...It’s obvious I love the trailer for 300. I have talked about it at length with the other two splendid writers of this blog; I’ve even misquoted it in my excitement to AD, and he looked at my crazy eyes and refused to contradict me knowing full well that I would rip his fucking arms off and beat his wife with them. Simply: it’s the ultimate trailer. It meets all my superficial requirements.

Visually stunning? Check.
Totally insane? Check. “Spartans, tonight, we dine in Hell!”
Deformed chicks making out? Yup. Have you seen Anne Hathaway in Havoc, sorta the same thing. Except she is made from God, these ladies, God's retarded cousin, Chet.

Most of all, it’s a young boy’s wet dream. As if all the bizarre worlds of your imagination could come to life in one trailer. None of it makes sense, the graphic novel is taken to new, ridiculous levels, but I want it. I want it all, like George Jetson doing Scooby Doo while The Fonze watches. Additionally, it embodies overdone drama – to an hilarious extent – and we should welcome it. In fact, I talk like that at work. “Matt, get me a new draft of that report.” “Sire, sire, if you want one report, you shall meet your demise!” And then I kick him in the chest, into an endless well, only to turn around and see Casey from IT dancing like some erotic, silk-ridden ghost. I have talked too much about this trailer, I just want to see the movie, naked, with my Saddam Hussein t-shirt draped around my balls.

The second trailer of the year – of 2006 – for me is Flannel Pajamas. It’s an arthouse picture, sure, (Grab your berets, cigarettes and theories of Bluto’s existentialist funk) but the ad is perfectly enticing. More perfect, however, is the lack of dialogue. It’s just the smooth, catchy Asobi Seksu song “Thursday” playing over the familiar scenes we all know, and many we all try to forget.



Add to that the star, for me, of Angels in America Justin Kirk, one of the most underrated and underused actors on the bloated, "look at me, I'm from Julliard" scene. The trailer is perfect for what it is: a hipster-fueled romantic dramedy with an awesome soundtrack. The only thing that drags this one down for me is that Kirk is clearly, without-a-doubt, a flaming homosexual. What I love about it is that it is an uncut view of a relationship, from Day 1 to moving in, to great apartments to total dumps to the fights and everything thereafter. You seldom see that – only a great director can depict snipets of a life together that truly captures it, I think Jeff Lipsky has done that.

My last trailer is surely not a suprise: The Fountain. One, it was a fantastic movie. Sure, Hugh Jackman floats in the lotus position in outer space, but haven't we all, in some way or another, been Hugh Jackman floating in outer space? I've written about this too much, it's just damn good and beautiful to witness. Enjoy the trailer, enjoy life - because someday, you too, might get hit by a meteor thrown by Zeus, like Weisz does in this film. Just kidding: horrific brain tumor. What I love about Aronofsky is that he typically (always) shows a male lead misunderstood by the world, struggling through hardship for a percieved "better" end. Isn't that what we all want, as we enter 2007, something better? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth blogging for? Indeed. Indeed.

Also, 2006's worst trailers: Eragon. Lucky You, starring Eric "I rape my wife in crappy Munich" Bana. And Rocky Balboa. Add Rocky Balboa to the Live Free or Die Harder trailer. You guys own Planet Hollywood, end it there.

Personal Winners of 2006/2005: District B-13, Brick, The Fountain, Little Children and The Last Southpark Episode of the year (very offensive, very awful). Oh, and Band of Brothers, Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Seth Rogen and Jason Segal and How I Met Your Mother. Also, Santa Clause "Trapped in the Claus-et."

The I'm Right Awards - Spiffae Edition

For the next three posts, AD, Mert, and I will be picking some trailers from the past year (the glorious 2006) and talking about them at length, with footnotes and rich formatting (bold, italic, etc.). This is not necessarily the best trailers, but these are a few trailers that caught our attention for whatever reason, and that now, on the verge of awesome 2007, have remained in mind.

In the style of the late Penny-Arcade "We're Right Awards" - I present to you a number of categories that I will make up on the spot, and some trailers that fit in those.

The "I Saw More Than Enough Of This Movie In The Trailer, But Said Trailer Was Quite Excellent" Award

Sometimes trailers are great, and after watching the trailer you just have no desire at all to see the movie. In the case of most movies it's because they gave away what seem to be the best parts, but every now and then a few movies show you just enough in the trailer that you feel like you've seen the movie - and then the desire to see the movie leaves you. I guess that's not really just enough, is it? That's more like way, way too much. Either way I enjoy those trailers and never see the movie, and if my reaction is not unique, maybe some douche bag trailer maker gets fired.

This year the movie most gulty of this is Babel. Babel advertises a movie that is going to be hard to watch, and they seem to have filtered down each story into its base (miserable) components. I have no desire to see the movie, because I feel like I've seen each part. Brad has a breakdown when Kate dies, or nearly dies. The Japanese girl has a miserable time in Tokyo (how is that possible? I can't imagine.) The kids get stopped at the border, the husband gets thrown into some immigrations interrogation where people are really mean, and then some poor Moroccan kid is probably beaten, and his father is probably killed in front of him. I like that trailer, but I don't need much more. Life is misery, people get screwed over, two minutes and thirty seconds later - check please.

Winner: Babel
Runners up: Drawing Restraint 9, Art School Confidential

The "This Trailer Is So Damn Good It Gives Me Goosebumps" Award

A good trailer gives me goosebumps. The first time I ever remember this happening was with the trailer for The Matrix, but it happened much more memorably for the unbelievable Two Towers trailer (which is astonishingly difficult to locate online!). This year was a good one for chills-inducing trailers, and so picking the best one is difficult. There are your fantasy and sci-fi epics, basically anything with big CG shots, slow motion, and good music. There are a few big dramas that will probably be good, and there is one dark horse that came out of nowhere.

The winner is not a sure-fire goosebumper - in fact, it might not provoke the reaction in you at all - but out of all of them, maybe out of all the trailers this year, this one is the best. This is a great piece of short filmmaking that just happens to be advertising a movie. This is something that I bet the trailer maker felt pretty damn good about after it was made, and I bet that doesn't happen very often. We never talked about it on this blog, and I don't think we really have to. All you have to do is watch it.

Winner: Little Children
Runners Up: Pan's Labyrinth, V for Vendetta, The Namesake, Jarhead (Teaser Trailer)

The "I Like This Trailer (And Movie) Too Much To Talk About It So I Should Probably Mention Here That This Is My Top Trailer This Year In The Title Because I Am Not Going To Write Anything Else Down Below, Just A Link To The Trailer" Award.

Winner: Children Of Men

Blood and Chocolate

This is one of the worst trailers I have ever seen. It has ugly actors saying stupid things and terrible special effects. It is wretched. It is vile. It is so bad that I am at a loss for a simile. “It is as bad as…” that is as far as I can get. Which means that this is the worst thing in the history of history.

And of course, it is for a film about my favorite mythological creature.

What is it about werewolves that does it for me? Who knows? But I will tell you that in my younger and more impressionable years I devoured anything about werewolves. Books, movies, comics, any and all of it. I still love Fright Night and Silver Bullet. I mean jesus, I watched the entire series of She-Wolf Of London multiple times!! If that doesn’t mean anything to you, consider yourself spared from one of the dumbest television shows EVAR.

Now I am older and wiser but there is a childish part of me still hopes for a really well-done werewolf movie. This is not it. That is clear from the first 30 seconds of the trailer. But what really does it for me is the transformation.

(Small gear switch) For all of its flaws, An American Werewolf in London has one of the most amazing special effects sequences ever filmed. Watching the transformation undergone by David Naughton remains one of the most graphic, gut wrenching, and horrifying memories from my childhood. And it was done with prosthetic masks, animatronic limbs, and about nine million strands of fake hair. And it looks real. (Here, you can watch it on youtube)

Nowadays, we have multi-million dollar budgets and special effects that look better than most of the actors. We have the ability to do literally anything on screen, and what does Blood and Chocolate give us for a transformation? A bunch of bare-chested lacrosse players doing flips in the woods.

Seriously weak.

Factory Girl

Lord Vader sings anti-war songs for five decades, yeah, like that's possible through his helmet.

View the trailer here.

To know anything about Edie Sedgwick is to know her as Andy Warhol's muse; the man used her in almost all of his crappy, overrated films of the 1960s and 70s. In many ways, Sienna Miller is perfect for this role. Someone who became famous merely because someone more famous picked her out and turned her into a star, the Warhol here being Jude Law. It would be like if Woody Allen was cast as a paranoid Jew, like shooting fish in a barrel. The name of the film comes from a saying of Warhol's, who told his friend and scriptwriter Ron Tavel that he wanted to make Edie "Queen of the Factory" for his film Factory. The film should be called "Hot Girl Who Got Addicted to Literally Everything, Even Blackface."

What pisses me off about this trailer is the romance between Edie and Bob Dylan, who she met at the Chelsea Hotel (in real life, I haven't a fucking clue how they meet in this tale). "Behind the face everyone recognized is the story that no one ever knew..." and we, The Weinstein Company, have decided to jazz up with false stories about a young drug addict's life. Dylan denies their relationship to this day and he married Sarah Lowndes around the time he and Sedgwick were supposed to have been making babies. Not cool. But I suppose if you make a movie about a sexy woman, she has to have sex with people other than Andy "I Literally am a Eunuch" Warhol. I hate Andy Warhol. I also hate people who dress as Devils on Halloween. I mean, c'mon.

The best thing about the trailer is Bowie's "Life on Mars." Perhaps the greatest song, in my mind, from Bowie. My middle school choir covered it and I played a "sailor fighting in the dance hall." I even smacked my teacher, Mr. Pedelty, in the face as only a brave man can brawl. Guy Pierce seems fantastic, a mix of David Ames in Vanilla Sky and Keith Richards, or Johnny Depp, whatever.

I think the trailer, the movie and the story of Edie Sedgwick all have one thing in common - that quesy feeling one gets moments before an awful accident happens. As if you know some horrific fate will come upon these people, but you're powerless to stop it. Edie Sedgwick died at 28 of an overdose, her life wasted. I hope the film doesn't try to pay tribute to her talent, but rather shows another 15-minutes of fame kid ruined by stardom and Bob Dylan. Everyone is ruined by fucking Bob Dylan.

Letters from Iwo Jima

I'm shocked Spiffae didn't comment on this trailer - I mean, it's right up his alley: Ken Watanabe (the shifty guy from The Last Samurai, remote, dormant-volcanic islands, and World War II. The war which Spiffae dubs, "The Greatest Years for Picking Up Middle Eastern Women of My Remarkable Life." Alas, Clint Eastwood's trailer for the second installment of the Iwo Jima saga is phenomenal. The trailer is crisp and shot in an almost amber filter, adding to the dry horror about to befall these men, and the music is like elevator music on your trip down to hell.

There is something inherent in Japanese culture which I think is undeniable - their sense of honor and grace - it's the culture of the Samurai and the Geisha, who both perform their tasks like ballerinas or a not-drunk me. They're amazing. Yet this movie, like Flags of Our Fathers, portrays the true nature of all men in the heat of battle - we're all remarkably similar and we're all deeply scared to our last breath.

The trailer, from the moment the young soldier gets conscripted, focuses on the realization that each and every one of these men will probably die. When you're confronted with your own mortality how do you react? Do you fight it or do you thank your country for sending you on a death mission? Almost all of the Japanese soldiers served their country in an insane battle (It was the first time in the history of warfare that the Americans sent acapella groups to the front lines of an assault, they annoyed everyone on the opposition side greatly).

Even though the United States denies it and returned control of the island back to the Japanese in 1968, many think they have nuclear arms sitting on the un-populated island. As soon as I push "publish" on this post, I'm traveling by hovercraft to Iwo Jima. I am taking a shovel, a copy of El Topo and my computer (with wireless capabilities). I will find those nukes. I get it, Mr. Eastwood, we will find those nukes and set them free. God, you're a visionary.

Epic Movie

I hate this trailer. This trailer, and the movie it is advertising, is aimed at the lowest common denominator, but maybe you hadn't realized how low that denominator was these days. We are spoofing what here - Narnia? Harry Potter? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Aren't those movies aimed at children? This movie is probably going to get a nice big R-Rating, so the target audiences of the spoofed movies aren't invited - so who is?

Epic Movie is aimed at late-blooming mildly retarded men who are unable to comprehend comedy with a lot of talking, who see children's movies with their mothers and then will see Epic Movie alone, thinking they are being terribly rebellious, who want to make fun of popular movies with their friends, but are not smart enough to come up with their own jokes - and we are not talking about difficult targets here. But then again, these are probably people who won't notice that the actor making fun of the actor playing Superman is British.

So, learning-disabled half-children with weak social skills and weaker senses of humor - enjoy the trailer for Epic Movie, and have fun at the movie too. You won't see me there.

Trailer.

Because I Said So.

We try not to be exclusive here at Trailer Reviews. We try to cover trailers of all genres…but we fail.

This blog is a total sausage-fest. We like movies with blood! And explosions! And Christopher Walken! He is so funny when he pauses when he talks about stuff! We try to say things like he says but we fail! That means he is a Very Good Actor!

But in the interest of diversity, I decided to review Because I Said So.

And I swear by all that is holy I will never review another chick flick.

I began by reading the brief description provided by the Apple Trailers website. I was initially intrigued by the fact that it featured Piper Perabo (Peribeaux). I loved her in Rocky and Bullwinkle and Coyote Ugly, and when I read that she was playing a “sexy and irreverent” character named “Mae” opposite Jessica Simpson and one of the robots from the Gilmore Girls you could have knocked me over with a feather!

So I went ovaries (balls) out. I took the extra 4 minutes and downloaded the high-def, 1080p, THX approved version of the trailer. I popped some fat free popcorn, wrapped myself in an afghan and prepared to laugh and to cry and to menstruate.

And you know what happened?

They showed Diane Keaton’s ASS.

And I blacked out.

So I have no fucking idea what this movie is about. I didn’t watch the rest of the trailer. I couldn’t take that chance.

To recover, I watched the trailer for Hostel: Part 2. This trailer is so good, I think it might be bragging about The Holocaust. Plus, the movie itself probably features at least one instance of genital mutilation. Which I think everyone can appreciate.

So, in summation, we’d like to send a big “Fuck You” to Michael Lehmann, director of Because I said So. Fuck you for making a movie that was edited into a trailer during which I saw Diane Keaton’s ass. I hope you die.

Balls of Fury

Watch the trailer here.

The fact is you could have Christopher Walken talk about "felching" for two hours and I'd go see it - he could debate the Cuban Missile Crisis, talk about the effects of Leukemia, or Ecoli in tacos and I would find each equally hilarious. The guy is insanely funny, intentionally or unintentionally, it doesn't really matter. He could read "Ullysses" to a crowd of angry Somalians and I would be in the dirt, laughing and barfing. He's just funny.

The trailer for Balls of Fury feels all over the show - it's a stupid movie much in the same vein as Dodgeball or BASEketball (sp?) - lets take a second-rate sport and surround it with retarded hijinks, gangsters, international plots of deviance and comedians for two hours - and, furthermore, put in a loose and careless plot driven only by the poor acting capabilities of the leading man, in this case, East Village-based comedian Dan Fogler. (Of course Fogler won a Tony last year, but hey, for the sake of argument, let's say he is a total dud.) What I do find promising in the movie is the writing of Ben Garant of Reno 911 and, originally, a founder of The State. He's talented and bizarre and his humor is really right up my anal alley. He's also quite muscular and I love muscular comedians: Joe Piscopo, Ian Roberts and Rodney Dangerfield. I love muscle. Oh, throw in Tony Danza and Sam Kinnison.

What's good: Def Leppard shirt. Nice touch. That's a band of underdogs that rose to the top and remains there to this day. Not a day goes by that I don't request they change the elevator music at my office to "Let's Get Rocked." Christopher Walken. George Lopez acting like a fatter, older and more insane Tony Montana. The movie will suck, but it will probably suck in a way that appeals to many, many college-aged guys with forties and their equally aloof girlfriends. They will then recommend it to thier parents at some dinner party where they've had too much of Dad's merlot, the parents will buy it, watch it, and then wonder why their kids turned out to be fucking morons. What? I'm just being honest.

Stomp The Yard

Ah, memories. I remember the days when I used to stomp the yard like these young turks. The film renames the college "Truth University" but we all know that this is really a film about my alma mater, Skidmore College. Such fond memories! I remember my first lunch at the dining hall, when a troupe of identically dressed men jumped up from their seats and began to dance, their synchronized movements were so inspiring to a young stepper like myself. I remember when I met my first roommate, who gave me a toilet seat as a housewarming gift. How could I ever forget that time when I asked Mert what was going on one time, and he looked at me and said "They're stompin' the yard - where you from?" Ah Mert, if you only knew how much of a part of my life Stomping the yard would become!

From there it is like a rush of beautiful memories, choosing the yellow-hoodie stomp fraternity over the red track suit stomp fraternity. Almost running a girl over with a ride-on mower, and I will never forget the moment when I told my girlfriend "I don't know if I can [stomp]" and she looked at me and said "Well then [stomp] for your brother."

I will never be as happy as when we were at the international(?) stomp championships, and Mert threw me across the stage on my head - that's brotherhood, that's STOMP. THE YARD.

Relive my life here.

The Aura

Foreign trailers are usually great because there is no easy out for them. They can’t charm you with a snappy one liner or offer you a poignant exchange between two estranged lovers. They must draw you in with visuals alone, because the narration usually sucks.

Case in point, The Aura. It transcends the bad voiceover and ends up looking like a pretty compelling thriller.

And I love that shot at the end with the trees.

Zodiac

Watch the trailer here.

"Based on real events" has never opened such a screaming can of worms for me. Does based on real events mean that Jake Gyllenhal and Robert Downey Jr. will catch the still -in reality - uncaught Zodiac killer? The statute of limitations doesn't apply to murder, so does that mean this film is going to make a conjecture as to who is the killer or killers? My issue with this trailer is the light-and-airy feel it has - as if it's not about a real life murderer and his many, many victims in the 1970s and 60s. I also feel like this movie is totally miscast - what on earth makes people believe Gyllenhal is a decent actor? I know he was in ManMeatTacoSalad-Love Mountain, but he was the worst actor in that film - including Anne Hathaway, who, shockingly, was very, very good. It's like watching the kid in your high school who played "Mercutio" star in a multi-million dollar film. It looks, well, moronic.

It is also a fairly incoherent trailer - at first it's a codebreaking cartoonist, then it turns into a love story with Chloe Sevingy (sp? Oh, wait, I really don't care), and then it turns into Robert Downey Jr. drug tripping on the Golden Gate Bridge. It feels like a comedy trailer, like when Ruffalo says, "Oh Jesus. Squirrels" when he's in the kitchen we're supposed to laugh out loud. It would be like if Oscar Schindler opened up a basement door with Leonard Skinnard playing in the background and said, "Oh, holy moly! (laughter) Juden!!! Ha. Death. Ha. Misery. Ha." Not ha. David Fincher, take yourself seriously, or else no one else will. This trailer sucks 1970s and modern-day penis.

Smokin' Aces

BMW Films meets Domino crossed with Hitman: Blood Money plus Man on Fire, with a dash of The Big Lebowski. Seven hitmen (and women) like a meaner version of The Royal Tennenbaums who got mixed up with Tony Montana and the armorers from Snatch . Ben Affleck is in there, a cross between his characters from Reindeer Games and Dogma, with a little bit of GOB from Arrested Development in the mix. Ray Liotta reprises his role from Narc, but this time he is channeling Bruce Lee, circa Enter the Dragon. Ryan Reynolds is just Ryan Reynolds, because he never needs to be any more than that. Jason Bateman is in there, with cues from Patrick Bateman, and a sore on his lip that looks more like it would be at home on Lindsey Lohan than Michael Bluth.

The trailer is straight Tony Scott, but with the restraint of brother Ridley. We've got rewinding, fast forwarding, and pictures that could have come out of Bad Boys 2, but this is like Michael Bay on speed. The contrast is dialed way up, CSI style, but the pacing is more Run Lola Run. The trailer is worth watching, available in Quicktime, but with the immediacy of WMV. The sound is crisp and sharp, evoking Lost, but without all the nonsense. Download this, like you've been downloading The Pictures of Britney Spears with No Underwear On.

Trailer

Blood Diamond

Spiffae and I discussed the Blood Diamond Trailer today.

Spiffae: They should call this movie "Black Hawk Diamond"

Spiffae: No diamond left behind

AD: I don't know what accent Leonardo Dicaprio is using, but he sounds like the girl in my office who does Harry Potter LARPing

AD: Which is to say, fucking dumb.

Spiffae: What if the preview was completely misleading, and it was actually a movie about high-end LARPing?

Spiffae: I mean people who are really into LARPing.

AD: It actually all takes place in Muncie Indiana and the people are all just hell of into it.

Spiffae: Leonardo DiCaprio's character is a level 15 shithead, who rolls a 20-sided dice to see if he should say "America is bling bling. Here is bling bang."

Spiffae: You can tell that they are really into it because of the amount of shots of people with their mouths wide open.

Spiffae: It's like the whole movie takes place in that closet from The Ring.

AD: Actually, I think its just that LARPing naturally attracts mouth breathers.

Spiffae: There's a shot, when the kid is getting taken on the truck, and everyone's mouth is open.

Spiffae: That's four people in one shot.

Spiffae: They look like a 50s pop group.

AD: I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but Jesus, how does something like that “bling bang” line come to be put in a major studio film, much less be used in the trailer.

Spiffae: Dude, this trailer is ass, why are we talking about it. Every time I watch it, I hate it more.

Spiffae: This trailer is removing my Thanksgiving cheer.

Spiffae: This trailer is the opposite of Turkey.

AD: Alright. Then lets end it with an old thanksgiving saying "In America it’s Gobble Gobble, Here it’s Gobble Goebbels"

Spiffae: See, now there is a good idea.

Death of a President

Watch the trailer here.

What I like about this trailer is that it essentially does nothing. Certainly, it proposes an absurd idea that seems almost impossible nowadays - the assassination of the most guarded man in the world. This, inherently, is the attraction of such a movie in essentially the same way as 28 Days Later, The Day After Tomorrow, and Horse Feathers, but more so Horse Feathers. The impossible happens, how does society react? Other than that though, nothing happens - it entices you with absolute bullshit, and if you see it, you're a fucking idiot.

What's effective is the echoes of 9/11: "We weren't just rounding up people, we had probable cause," and the talks of a major, catastrophic security breach - both of these comments are directly tied to 9/11 for obvious reasons. In many ways, this movie plays on the gross hopes of the populace - the death of George Bush, although, of course, this is a moronic hope. Have you ever lived under martial law? That's what would happen if Laura Bush ran this country, that greedy, savage monkey. Also the news casters who talk of reports of a shooting incident, darkly reminiscent of an "accidental plane crash in downtown Manhattan."

Many critics have panned the movie. Moreso, many have loved it, including the judges of the Critics Prize at the Toronto Film Festival. However, I couldn't give two shits about such tripe. Why see this movie, what could it possibly teach me except a "What If?" that seems almost impossible. Want to give me a great "what if?" how about a movie about if NewsCorp, AlJazeera and Starbucks merged? That would be a hell of a merger. Or, what if a killer bear destroyed the Congress of the United States? Again, fascinating. But this seems ridiculous.

The Nativity Story

Watch the trailer here.

When the first images for this trailer come up, you expect an insane cougar to run through and slaughter a baby speaking gibberish - it feels like The Passion of the Christ 2, but alas, it's The Nativity Story. This was the first feature film ever to premier at the Vatican, and it makes sense, since it's about Jews. And I'm happy that it tackles the whole "immaculate conception thing," I mean, look at Mary, we all know she did just about everyone in town. Even the Angel Gabriel, played by the excellent Alexander Siddiq, claims to have tapped that ass (Matthew 10.16.Blue.42). My major issue: The girl who plays Mary might be the worst actress ever, or she's legally retarded. I mean, profoundly retarded. "I have broken no vow" comes with no passion, no sense that she really means it. Those words matter, bitch, make them sound like you're not reading them from a cue card.

When I show up at that theater this December - a day early so I can bring my donkey and get permission for an animal in the theater - I expect Mary to not be in it. Dear Director, cut that bitch out of the movie. For the good of Jesus, kill his mother. Kill Mary. She doesn't even act like a person would 2000 years ago - have you seen her press olives? Amatuer hour. Or milk goats? Minor league skank. The movie and the trailer is dotted with moments that feal supernatural - I know, three wise men, light from the heavens - it's supposed to be that way. But why couldn't Jesus have been born from two parents who actually did have sex? Why couldn't the wise men have been thieves who realized the error of their ways when they met baby JC? I would like that story better. As it stands now, I feel like Jesus was just another dude like you and I, and his parents and those around him kept building up with fabricated stories of glory. "Did you see Jesus today? He totally threw a camel a furlong!" "Did you see Jesus today? The guy has such a wonderous cock." "Did you see Jesus today? He totally walked away from me in the middle of a story about mir."

P.S. In light of The Nativity Story, check out this trailer.

Zodiac

I have a lot of trouble trying to figure David Fincher out. Is he a genius, a visionary director who sometimes falters when he lets his vision take over a script? Is he a lot of style and no substance? Do I just like him because when I saw Fight Club six-odd years ago, I thought it was the best movie ever made? I’m still not sure, and the new trailer for Zodiac doesn’t help me at all.

On one hand, it looks like a return to form (and by form, I mean the style of Seven – which, coincidentally is spelled Seven, not Se7en. I hate number letters.) – the movie has a nice ensemble cast, the story focused around a super serial killer, and it seems like at least a few people will have complete nervous breakdowns in the course of the movie. All of that sounds good so far.

The thing is, for whatever reason, I’m not convinced. Maybe I’m just wary after the disappointment that was Panic Room, but this is a really good trailer for a movie that just doesn’t seem to have that hook that makes it really great. Maybe they left something out, but after watching that very nice trailer, I have no desire to see the movie. Everything seems fine, but all together it doesn’t interest me. Is that the fault of the trailer, or the movie it’s advertising?

Watch the trailer here.

Arthur and the Invisibles

La Femme Nikita, The Professional, and The Fifth Element. Three of my top ten movies when I graduated from high school. They have since been usurped by other, slightly more intelligent fare. But I will always hold a deep and abiding love for these films, and the man who made them: Luc Besson.

Now, Mr. Besson has spent the last 8 years producing and writing what seems like hundreds of different projects, here and around the world. But he hasn’t directed anything since The Fifth Element (we’ll just ignore The Messenger, even if it has Spiffae’s girlfriend in it). And that is really a shame, as he is a truly visionary director.

Scoff if you want, but the man directed the two finest hitman films ever made! Also, I dare you to watch The Fifth Element and show me any film from the 90s that comes anywhere near the level of creativity shown even if the most throw-away shots in that film. It is just breathtaking.

So it is with great excitement that I watched the trailer for the Besson directed Arthur and the Invisibles (Arthur and the Minimoys if you are some country cooler than America). And I really like it. It is clearly different from everything else he has done, but that is what makes it so much fun! It looks bright, beautiful, and sharply animated. The design is somewhere between Fraggle Rock, The Dark Crystal, and Oddworld, the jokes are simple but effective, and most shocking, it looks like a kid’s movie that is actually made for kids. I enjoy this current crop of slyly self-referential, meta-joke making “kid’s” movies just as much as the next 20-something post-hipster, but what the hell happened to movies like Honey I Shrunk the Kids or The Neverending Story? Movies for kids that don’t care whether they entertain the grown-ups that brought them. Arthur and The Invisibles looks to be that kind of kids movie.

I am a little wary of is the rather uninspired vocal talent. I love David Bowie, but its not like he has some amazing speaking voice that needs to be showcased in some ridiculous super villain. The same goes for Madonna, not to mention that she seems to be voicing the romantic lead for a 12 year old. Does that seem inappropriate to anyone else? And Snoop Dog? Yikes.

But, you take the bad with the good.

So, watch the trailer and enjoy it for what it is. The triumphant return of one of the best directors out there.

Crispin Glover's What is it?

Watch the trailer here.

Crispin Glover, of Marty McFly fame, has had a tremendous career. What impresses me most is his "family movies," meaning films you can take the kids to - you don't need to leave them at Aunt Mildred's, you don't need to conveniently forget them in a nearby town. You can take them to see What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Back to the Future, or Bartleby. With What is it? not only has he created a family movie, he's also made something I can give my dad for Christmas.

A young man (Glover) with a dark and wild imagination is haunted by a Demi-God, also played by Glover. With only salt, a pipe, snails (although I'd wager the snail is the true Demi-God) and the dream to get home. This sounds promising - it's Caligula meets "The Odyssey" meets Crispin Glover acting like a fucking idiot. This is one of those trailers that will play before some arthouse crowd, some goatee-wearing douche will turn to me at the end and be like, "How interesting, no? One would wager..." and then I will pull down my pants and pee on his copy of "The Stranger" that he perpetually reads and quotes to bored sorority girls.

Large breasted women wearing African animal heads crawling around on all fours? Yeah, that's in there. Have you ever been really stoned and paranoid and thought your friend's mom was calling your name, but in French while tarantulas crawled all over her naked body? That's the feeling I get when Glover's voiceover says, "Good. He's dead." Oh and there's a retarded man dressed as a King and another dressed as a woman who simply moans. Not since James Joyce have I been so impressed by the imagination and artistry of a modern artist. Anyway...If this movie is watched by anyone other than Glover and his ever-encouraging mother, I will be shocked.

Swastikas, hundreds of characters with down syndrome and Glover on a throne - these images seem odd? And what's the deal with the retarded, cross-dressing leader? I mean, c'mon dude. He defended his choices of imagery in a 2005 interview: "It's really a film to help start these kinds of discussions. Why are these things taboo, and what does that mean for the culture itself? A culture will die a death of stupidity if it doesn't have different points of view." Certainly, and what a point of view to take into account Mr. Glover - it's time our culture takes into account the freaks in the forest you've filmed, all ruled by you or a snail. What a pile of shit, nice one, McFly.

Happy Feet

What is it with all the CG animated movies of penguins? I mean, penguins are kind of cool, what with their marches and all that, but two separate movies, one about surfing penguins, and one about singing-and-tap-dancing penguins? Wtf?

Even more baffling, is the fact that both of these movies have great trailers. I talked about the Surf's Up trailer a while ago, and then just recently someone pointed me to the Happy Feet trailer 2. These are ballsy trailers! Surf's up was done in a slow documentary style, and now this happy feet is just a music video of Robin Williams in penguin form singing "My Way" in Spanish?? That's it, the whole trailer: a Sinatra song, sung in Spanish, in the arctic, by a penguin. Genius!

In my heart of hearts I hope that Robin Williams can capture some of the magic of his voice work in Aladdin here. I'm not sure if that is possible, especially when playing a hispanic penguin (that is a pretty ridiculous notion, if you think about it) - but I remain optimistic.

Trailer here. (Apple)

The Number 23

I don’t particularly care for Jim Carrey. This doesn’t make me a minority. I don’t think a lot of people care for him. I don’t have anything clever or pithy to say about why I don’t like him, either. I think he is obnoxious when he tries to be funny, and I think he is overly schmaltzy when he does drama.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t like me some movies about people who go all psycho because they start to see insane patterns in their lives. This happened to me with pi once. Sorry, I meant pie. And actually, I was just eating a lot of pie for a while. So, its not really the same thing.

Also, does anyone else think that they put Virginia Madsen’s neck on upside-down?

Watch the trailer and enjoy the numb3r w0rd5.

Christmas at the Maxwell's

At first this feels like a SNL spoof of a Christmas movie - there's a chick that sorta looks like Amy Poehler, overwrought, cheesy music and images of family. The only thing that's lacking is Jimmy Fallon walking onto the scene and fucking up the skit entirely. The Christmas at the Maxwell's trailer has something that SNL lacks, however, and that is comedy. It's trying so hard to draw you into these b-level actors (the mom is from the Food Network), but it can't, because it sucks giant sentimental cock.

Watch the trailer here.

The plot continues to heighten in a way that would be acceptable for a decent movie - first, Mom has cancer, or Lupus, or something awful. Then, the empy photo album! A miscarriage and an outfit carved for "Lucy." Perhaps Lucy was born a goblinish creature and the mother, in a hysterical rage, drove Lucy to a cloud-beriddled "hospital" somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Not a day goes by that she doesn't think of Lucy, nor fears her pock-marked face appearing at the frosted window behind the television playing It's A Wonderful Life. Alas, Lucy was probably just plain and boring and died.

Also, the scene that follows the discovery of Lucy where the mom and her friend sit down. The friend says, "I see, you're taking all those - what's going on here?" Well, duh, Blanch, I have fucking cancer. You can't make this shit up.

P.S. How creepy is this Damien-esque child - he probably ate Lucy.




But, unlike the brilliant trailers of M. K. Shamalamadingdong, this trailer gives away the secret at it's heart: Christianity. "Let's pray, wendy," the little girl says to her transexual brother. Then a preist comes into the shot - no doubt having impure thoughts of dirt, smoke-filled parties and anus. I'm sorry, but even if it is a light, Christian romantic drama - make the trailer have some pace, something interesting. I mean, who is enticed by a film about a family going through cancer and a dead baby at Christmas time? Unless Mel Gibson shows up dressed in Aztec kill clothes and pins all the blame on the "Jew," I don't think I will be seeing it.

One Sentence Fridays!

Pan's Labyrinth
An R-rated fantasy tale, centering around World War 2 intrigue, a pretty girl, and really cool special effects - eyeball hands are merely a bonus!

The Messengers
We already knew kids were creepy, but here come the Pang brothers to show us that not only are kids creepy, you should never let a kid watch you make the bed.

Meet the Robinsons (trailer 5 - five?!)
The saddest Tyrannosaurus Rex ever captured on film.

Deja Vu (teaser)
A dynamite trailer comes of removing all of the audio and story from your abominable prior attempt; doesn't bode well for your film, Tony!

Hot Fuzz

I talk a lot about “perfect teasers” on this site. I believe in the past I classified the teasers for Jarhead, Princess, and a number of others as “perfect”. But hey, I am a fan of brevity. If you have an awesome three and a half minute trailer, than you also have an even more awesome sixty-second teaser. Which of course brings us to our topic of discussion: Hot Fuzz.

You get two teasers for this movie! One is Awesome the other is Even more Awesome! Of course, the Even more Awesome one depends on your having seen Shaun of the Dead to fully appreciate the joke. But if you haven’t seen Shaun of the Dead, why the hell are you sitting around reading this?! Go watch it! Sean of the Dead was my number two movie of 2004! IT IS GREAT!! I’m not kidding. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it. NOW.

If you have seen it, then you can stop watching the trailer at the point where it says: “From The Team That Brought You Shaun of the Dead”. You already know what’s coming next: PURE AWESOMENESS.

You know what? Go ahead and watch ‘em anyway. You can never have too much awesome in your life.

Reading back on this, I realize that I used the word ‘awesome’ quite a few times. That was not planned. Awesome.

Harsh Times

Watch the trailer here.

What? Did that just happen? I mean, I didn't really even like Training Day and now we have Training Day 2 starring Batman with his little Mexican ally - oh, and Eva "I literally look like shit" Longoria. What is Christian Bale thinking? He was just in the fantastic The Prestige and he poops on his resume with this tripe.

Two crooked cops - one renowned for his harsh, crazy ways and the other is a young recruit with a lot of potential. I just described Training Day, but nay, it's this new bullshit. I don't really know why I'm so mad. Also, what kind of proper trailer has the voice over say - verbatim - what the type on the screen spells out. It's redundant, and it makes it feel like a 10-year-old made the trailer. The only redeeming part is when Bale says, "Whip-Crack! I turned that Paco into a fountain of blood!" I mean, Christain Bale turning anyone into a fountain of anything, I'm down. Turn Rip Torn into a fountain of chocolate, I will definitely give you my $10.75, you studmuffin.

So, Trailer Reviews is back and what a shite movie to bring it back.

300

Watch the trailer here.

It sorta goes without saying that I'm psyched for this movie. If you're viewing The Departed like everybody else in the United States this weekend, you'll get to witness this fantastic trailer.

Why is it so good?

1. Zach Snyder, the director, also did 2004's Dawn of the Dead. While I wasn't a huge fan of that movie - although it's fun, don't get me wrong - this trailer has a certain horror, a certain darkness that makes the true story of the 300 all the more unbelievable. It's as if this superhuman historical tale - The Battle of Thermopylae - is somehow haunted. Very cool. You also know that a film poster written in blood (which this one is) is gonna blow your asshole to the moon! Yeah, I said it.

2. The shots in the first few seconds of the trailer are fantastic, awe-inspiring. As hundreds of soldiers are pushed off of a cliff to their deaths, the sun sets in the background. It may seem like overkill, but man, that's some fucking awesome overkill.

3. The arrows shot - a famous historical tale of thousands of arrows blotting out the light of the sun - and they did it! Also, the man who plays King Leonidas, Gerard Butler, is fresh off of playing a list of rolls that season him for the insane, blood-thirsty king: Beowulf (2005), The Phantom of the Opera (2004, greatest movie ever? Yup.), and my favorite, Terry Sheridan in Tomb Raider (2003).

4. An entire country binds together, a battle which some say gave birth to the first democracy. A democracy forged in blood, weird goblinish creatures, and hairy backed apes with swords and hell-hath-no fury attitudes. The trailer is like a rock video for a band I want to fuck, nay, I want to fuck me, hard.