I'm Your Man

Just so you know, I love Leonard Cohen.

I love his early acoustic albums, I love when he started expanding his instrumentation, I love his (perhaps misguided) collaboration with Phil Spector, and I love the synth-heavy white-soul period he’s been in for the past decade. He is arguably the most important American singer-songwriter who ever lived. I would have preferred a film of a performance, or compilation of performances by the man himself, but a tribute will have to do.

And lets look at the powerhouse of a tribute they have put together to the man: Anthony, Nick Cave, Rufus Wainwright, Jarvis Cocker, Linda Thompson! This is an impressive line-up!

Then why, o why do they only feature fucking BONO in the damn trailer!? Surely the participants’ level of discourse concerning Mr. Cohen is higher than: “Here was a man, who inside of a pop song there was some big ideas…”

Shut up Bono. You should not be proud of your career.

Aside from that, this is really an odd, disjointed trailer. Lots of things are happening, and they don’t necessarily feel connected in any great way. You could probably lose the bit about the monastery and survive. But hey, it’s Leonard Cohen, and I am excited.

One more question: How come I don’t look this good in a trench coat.

HOOT

See Trailer for Hoot here.

This might go down as one of the worst trailers ever. Wait, can I say that? Oh, right, “Soundtrack featuring new music by Jimmy Buffett.” Yes, I can. Will Shriner, the guy who wrote and directed this, was also involved in writing “The Norm Show,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” and “Twin Peaks.” Just kidding, but he did write, “Living with Fran…” Wow, put this guy next to Victor Hugo and I can’t tell the difference.



Jimmy Buffett. Have you ever been to Margaritaville? It’s Buffett’s restaurant that plays “Margaritaville” about every five minutes and waitresses and southern hicks start singing that God-awful song. Last time I was there I heard a lady scream, “I would sell this here baby for one more Peeen-yah co-lad-a!!!” Luke Wilson must have been hammered when he took this role – or he simply realized that he really isn’t a good actor at all. “Eat more nachos and chili poppers, Luke, you’re turning into a fuckhead,” I say.

Even the humor in the trailer is weak and sophomoric, not that it’s a surprise given this film’s one-membered audience: Carl Hiassen, the writer of “Hoot.” Nice writing Carl – captivating.

“We’re the only ones who care…”
“We’re the only ones who KNOW!”

Honestly, I don’t mind the extinction of owls. When was the last time you went to the zoo to see owls? Has an owl ever saved your life? Loaned you a smoke? Eaten placenta?! No, owls suck. If they were saving “water cheetahs” then maybe I’d care. But no one, no one seems to care about the plight of the water cheetah. No one.

So, my final ruling: shitty trailer for a movie that even Carl Hiassen will walk out on. Peace brothers – go see Superman, at least that will have Kevin Spacey and some water cheetahs.

The Da Vinci Code

View trailer here.

Paul Bettany took his time off from sucking on the teat of Lars von Trier to star as Silas in The Da Vinci Code. He also took his time off from starring in realistic professional tennis movies for this movie. "But why?" we fucking ask. The time has come for both he and Jennifer Connolly to be in a movie with songs by The Kronos Quartet. The time has come; major erections are happening for this film; my kids are still locked in the basement.

The fact is that this trailer is pretty perfect for its genre (the genre that Dan Brown invented cause he’s a genius savant!). And a betting man (me, Matt Damon) would wager that when this theologically-unsound trailer shows before whatever movie it comes before (The Shaggy Dog, probably), it’s going to get the one-million-plus readers of the book going athump. Major boners, peeps, major raging boners. The music itself is stellar – Hans Zimmer, who scored Gladiator and many other enormous films agreed to do this one (along with 8 million other movies on his docket). There are a lot of people who will see anything that Tom Hanks is in, it doesn’t matter what – even if it’s "Love Boat," Dragnet or Splash, people will fork over ten bucks. I, however, will be “Netflixing” this shit out of this movie; Dan Brown has made too much money. I think I'll wait it out. I already gave money to Crash, and I feel like I should be crucified for it.



Another feature that sets this trailer into the top tier is the “Whaaaaaa wa wee wah?!” factor. That’s when a trailer has many, multiple moments where secrets are revealed leading the audience to feel smarter about themselves and get major boners, major, major boners. While I didn’t get a “major boner” from the trailer, I did get excited and spit my cherry cola all over my computer keyboard. For example, when Hanks rather moronically says, “Da Vinci” it made me laugh out loud. As it did when I read the literary miscarriage that Brown wrote. Other moments include when the image slides into the "Last Supper" and when Ian McClellan flings away his crutches. It’s may seem weird, but I now have a rather major boner.

Also, for you fans of the overrated television show known as “24,” check this out: "24" creator Joel Surnow thought that "The DaVinci Code" would provide a great storyline for the show's third season. Surnow asked his boss, producer Brian Grazer, about acquiring the film rights to the book. "Writer" Dan Brown had no intention of his book being adapted for a TV show, and rejected their retarded bid. God “24” sucks and I am addicted to it. Boner, big-time bones-ville.