The Da Vinci Code

View trailer here.

Paul Bettany took his time off from sucking on the teat of Lars von Trier to star as Silas in The Da Vinci Code. He also took his time off from starring in realistic professional tennis movies for this movie. "But why?" we fucking ask. The time has come for both he and Jennifer Connolly to be in a movie with songs by The Kronos Quartet. The time has come; major erections are happening for this film; my kids are still locked in the basement.

The fact is that this trailer is pretty perfect for its genre (the genre that Dan Brown invented cause he’s a genius savant!). And a betting man (me, Matt Damon) would wager that when this theologically-unsound trailer shows before whatever movie it comes before (The Shaggy Dog, probably), it’s going to get the one-million-plus readers of the book going athump. Major boners, peeps, major raging boners. The music itself is stellar – Hans Zimmer, who scored Gladiator and many other enormous films agreed to do this one (along with 8 million other movies on his docket). There are a lot of people who will see anything that Tom Hanks is in, it doesn’t matter what – even if it’s "Love Boat," Dragnet or Splash, people will fork over ten bucks. I, however, will be “Netflixing” this shit out of this movie; Dan Brown has made too much money. I think I'll wait it out. I already gave money to Crash, and I feel like I should be crucified for it.



Another feature that sets this trailer into the top tier is the “Whaaaaaa wa wee wah?!” factor. That’s when a trailer has many, multiple moments where secrets are revealed leading the audience to feel smarter about themselves and get major boners, major, major boners. While I didn’t get a “major boner” from the trailer, I did get excited and spit my cherry cola all over my computer keyboard. For example, when Hanks rather moronically says, “Da Vinci” it made me laugh out loud. As it did when I read the literary miscarriage that Brown wrote. Other moments include when the image slides into the "Last Supper" and when Ian McClellan flings away his crutches. It’s may seem weird, but I now have a rather major boner.

Also, for you fans of the overrated television show known as “24,” check this out: "24" creator Joel Surnow thought that "The DaVinci Code" would provide a great storyline for the show's third season. Surnow asked his boss, producer Brian Grazer, about acquiring the film rights to the book. "Writer" Dan Brown had no intention of his book being adapted for a TV show, and rejected their retarded bid. God “24” sucks and I am addicted to it. Boner, big-time bones-ville.