Nacho Libre

All I have to say about the Nacho Libre trailer is what lavish colors, I mean, wow. No, just joking Spiffae, but honestly - this trailer is a microcosm (shock) of what this movie will be about - almost plotless, sometimes hilarious, cultish flick, like Napoleon Dynamite. Another not so shocking shock-a-rama: it's the same director. The film trailer does have something that is a testament to a quality teaser-trailer: quotable lines that people watching whatever bullshit it appears before will leave the theater quoting. And, it has Jack Black - if you haven't heard of him, he was in this film called The Cable Guy, wearing a Soundgarden shirt no less. Jack Black and the director of Napoleon Dynamite invites the sort of audience you'd see at a Dave Eggers reading or a Death Cab for Cutie covering Third Eye Blind concert.



Some of those aforementioned quotables: "Chancho, when you are a man...sometimes you wear stretchy pants, in your room. It's for fun." Or "Do you remember when everyone was shouting my name? And I used my strength to rip my blouse?" Notice when he throws the beehive how much that resembles the scene in ND with Rico, Napoleon and the steak toss (one of my favorite scenes of summer 2000s movie picks). It's clear Jared Hess has a particular humor, and not much else as far as talent or linear plots are concerned. He is a "clever idea" director, not a "movie" director. But do I hold that against him? Yes. Make a different fucking movie. I'm angry that good movies, like Syriana, will have half the audience, less even, then a movie about nothing. This, like Napoleon Dynamite, will make all of its money off of a trailer like this, even if the movie sucks nads. Saying that though, this will be hilarious and I will see it on Netflix, but not in the theater, unless I can sit next to Chuck Norris or Biff from Back to the Future. I just want to know what it's like to always be second best; I hate being so damn awesome.

Ultraviolet

Sweet, delicious color. This is a great trailer, I definetly like the style of the action and all that, but what I love, the reason I downloaded this in super HD and watch it over and over - is the color. Every shot in this trailer is dripping with gorgeous color. The whole movie looks as though it has been smoothed and melted, and then painted with thick liquid strokes of beautiful color. I'm sold.

Also, you should probably know that Milla Jovovich is my girlfriend, and that she and I are very happy, and that she is a smart, funny girl, and that if you say anything mean about this trailer, I will tell Milla to buy me a plane ticket so I can fly back and kick some ass - Ultraviolet style.

The Sentinel

This has to be some kind of a joke.

That can be the only explanation. This might as well be a preview for 24: The Motion Picture. Only they forgot to put in Jack Bauer.

Oh. Wait.

Actually, early versions of this film were titled "Kiefer Sutherland In: We Have To Go NOW!" - That title was scrapped after people kept crossing off "Kiefer Sutherland" and writing in "Jack Bauer" on the screening feedback forms. Seriously though. Someone must have just realized that people would pay for a two hour long mini-24 episode featuring bigger explosions and Jack in nicer suits.

ATL

Few film trailers pass my "Now Suck My Dick, Stinker!" or "I once swallowed a semi-large spatula" test, but ATL very much does. The test is simple: after every line of dialogue in the trailer, you must scream (or moan) "Now suck my dick, stinker!" or "I once swallowed a semi-large spatula!" and if it works, if it rolls, then the movie passes the test and it is a definitively great trailer. For example, here is one line from the film ATL, starring Outkast's Big Boi and some other random, but equally captivating no-doubt-RADA-trained stars, slotted to come out next month: "Take a ride with your boy, come on, now suck my dick, stinker!" Or "And I won't forget where I come from! I once swallowed a semi-large spatula!" Jaws, The Thin Red Line, A Fish Called Wanda, The Passion of the Christ and Step off my Enormous Rod: the Story of Rod Stewart all pass the test with flying colors. "What is this test?" you ask as you read this and eat thin mints. Check out ATL and test it out.

Basic Instinct 2

In the sexy and sleek psychological thriller Basic Instinct 2, after re-locating from San Francisco to London, best-selling crime novelist Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) once again finds herself on the wrong side of the law.

So reads the blurb for the ill-conceived trailer for the ill-concieved Basic Instinct 2.

Beyond Deception
Beyond Desire
Beyond Obsession

So read the fancy words that flash on the screen during the trailer.

Andrew G. Vajna - is seriously the name of a producer on this movie.

The problem here is that Basic Instinct is a movie that sells on sex appeal. I imagine that the original Basic Instinct trailer had the words "Deception" "Desire" and "Obsession" because Sharon Stone today is clearly beyond those things. She doesn't look like a steamy sexpot, she looks like the old lady at the bar who has too many drinks and starts hitting on the college kids. Everyone just smiles with pain in their eyes, and when she finally leaves for another drink, everyone looks at each other and kind of feels bad.

That is what will happen in the theater as the credits roll on this bad idea.

Postscript - There is a shot where S.S. walks past Male Protagonist in a wet sheer shirt. Someone computered out her nipples, and all I could think was "thank you, computer guy. I don't envy your work."
-S

Stick It

Good to see we're all back and writing.

I will start off with the movie that will probably change the face of film: Stick It. Bask in the Kick-Butt Trailer here. The film meets the Christophian criteria of a "perfect motion picture." 1. Does someone wake up in a bathtub of ice cubes, maybe missing a vital organ? Check. 2. Is it not your run-of-the-mill, "feed me my soma!" type of film? Check-a-roonie, it's way different. 3. A complete 180 from bad to good over the course of a soul-searching good time? Yup. 4. Hot dudes in Hollister and Abercrombie? Erm, heck yes. On April 21st, prepare to get stuck, hard, and probably in the ass.

The trailer starts out with an enticing, bad ass line: "Every day I break the law...OF GRAVITY!!!" As if it can't get better from there, we meet Haley Graham, a seventeen-year-old bad ass chica. She makes biking look like archery, murderous, maiming archery, people. Candy Bars! What kind of person rides a bike through a glass window? I guess people do that. Maybe it's a california thing. Or a moron thing. It almost looks like two of my favorite films: Airborne (1993) and Gleaming the Cube (1989).

I'm also wondering the logic of a girl who breaks the law not getting sent to prison, or juvenial hall, but back to gymnastics academy or whatever they call it - insecure skinny rich girl world? Yeah, that happens. Again though, it's "not called gym-nicetics, it's gymnastics!!!"

The only redeeming thing about this hilariously vapid trailer is the last shot of Jeff Bridges, playing an out-of-the-box role as famed Burt Vickerman, totally killing himself on the trampoline. I hear he does all his own stunts - nice role Jeff, seriously, you were in Lebowski, Arlington Road (one of my top 2000 films), and White Squall. I guess once I saw you were in Surf's Up, coming out next year, I should have known. Shame Jeff, shame. Nice Black Flag t-shirt, though. Want to create a bad ass image, put them in a Black Flag t-shirt - maybe Henry Rollins will make a cameo as the evil Russian gymnastics coach, Victor Blowhardovich. We can only pray.

This and Flight 93 are my two "must see films" in 2006.

Marie Antoinette

Dear Sofia Coppola,
I like your work. Actually I've only seen Lost in Translation, but I liked that very much. Your new trailer is very confusing. This is a straight-up period piece, right? Why is there some mediocre indie rock song playing all the way through it? Don't look at me like it wasn't your idea, I know these kinds of against the grain decisions are the work of indie directors who are looking for street cred. Don't be a Zach Braff circa Garden State Trailer 1. You're better than him. Your movie looks mildly interesting, but will there be indie rock music in the movie? If the answer is no, and there will be only quartets and snooty accents, then I say you have done us wrong, Sofia. If there the answer is yes, then I say you have done 18th century France wrong.

Also - you started Lost in Translation with a lovely shot of Scarlett Johanson's butt. Now it's Kirsten Dunst and a fan. What's up with you?

Love,
Ben

I wholeheartedly agree that using this song for this trailer was a bad decision. But I would like to clarify that the song is Age of Consent by New Order, not "some mediocre indie rock song". Age of Consent is an amazing song and should not be associated with this trailer. And what the hell is up with the "Never Mind the Bollocks"-esque title card?
-AD

Apologies. It is impossible to take any contemporary song seriously - amazing or not - in that trailer. I didn't even know where to begin with the hipper-than thou title card. Not to mention that Jason Schwarzman - king of indie fluff is starring along with naked-behind-a-fan.
-S

Art School Confidential

I would love to say that I am not a fan of Terry Zwigoff. But honestly that’s not really true. I have seen two of his movies and really liked 50% of them. I actually despised the other 50% and never saw another one of his movies after that. Hmm…maybe I’m not a fan of Terry Zwigoff.

The 50% that I despised was, of course, his critically lauded Ghost World. Lots of people disagree with me and say GW is great, to which I say: you are wrong. Read the comic. Zwigoff missed the point entirely, and managed to somehow turn Daniel Clowes’ non-sexual love story between to teenage girls into another movie about R. Crumb. (The ultimate irony being that I loved Zwigoff’s first move about R. Crumb.)

Which brings us to Art School Confidential. Again working from Clowes’ source material, Zwigoff has decided that a four-page spread on the stupidity of art school is enough material to support a feature film. That being said, it’s a pretty good trailer.

The opening line from John “Malkovich, Malkovich” Malkovich takes me back. It is what every art teacher wanted to say to my peers and I, everyday, through our four years of higher education. Malkovich actually has the best lines in this trailer. They bookend the whole thing and really make the trailer seem better than it is.

The middle of the trailer can be divided into two parts. One consists of shots of students “creating art”. These are great. The giant ice cream cone, terrible self-portrait and hilariously bad “performance” pieces of the other students are so dead-on, I found myself cringing. This will be a difficult movie for first year art students to watch.

The rest of the trailer is, unfortunately, your usual college movie fare. Complete with the “You’ve never been laid?!” comment and Zwigoff’s requisite “girls are shitty” message that creeps into all his films.

I just realized that the trailer sums up all the major parts of Clowes’ original comic. Way to go, guy who edited this trailer. You just made my favorite comic book movie. Except for all the parts I thought were stupid.