Aquamarine

Pauline Kael once stated, “In the arts, the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising.” That is why it’s so hard for me to write honestly about this soon-to-be classic piece of art without selling the nuts out of it. Trust me, it’s easy to sell, sell, sizz-ell – just watch the trailer. Aquamarine, originally titled, Le Vive de 30-year-old mermaid girl pretending to be 18, a remake of a Godard film indeed. It’s going to change your life. The trailer is no lie; it’s the real deal.

My interests in the film are as follows: #1: The Faustian battle with Claire and Halley for super-hunk lifeguard Raymond, the beach bum with the world’s nicest bum! Yes! #2: An essential question: What does it mean to be a woman? Wo-man. A wo-man of the water? Wa-ter? #3: Another less-essential question: What is humor? “Did you order,” the heroine says to the evil nemesis, “a sand-WITCH!” Groucho Marx would be laughing his hairy ass off. Plus, there are many fish jokes – “What a barnacle!” “Something about that girl is fishy.” Of course, if this were real life, the girls would be calling her a “cunt rag” and a “manifestation of a backward orgasm, a.k.a. murder.” They’d wish her the worst – having to take a three day long shower with Live's "This is why Dolphins cry..." playing at maximum volume. But no, this is wetter phantasmagoria.

The main question one must ask of a piece of art – is it based in reality? (Actually, no, that’s not the question I asked immediately – I asked, “Why oh holy God?”) Anyway, reality? Yes. A mermaid washes up on a Floridian resort town, befriends Eric Robert’s daughter and has a mesmerizing dilemma. She has to fall in love in three days, or else she has to return to the ocean where undoubtedly she’ll be raped by a sea horse in a sick ocean vaudeville act.



But alas, Raymond, the “perfect guy” comes along. Love? Love and brains. I can’t wait to see how he holds up conversation – I see Woody Allen and Vin Diesel talking about “futility.” One issue: how is it that someone who lives in the ocean and has swam around the world hundreds of times, and whose father has created tsunamis, doesn’t know the first thing about boys? Oh well, nobody yelled at God when he created Muslims, right? Right.

As always, I’m being really sarcastic. I will end with another last Pauline Kael quote, “If I eat another terrier, I’m gonna throw up. Seriously, Pauline Kael wants some daschund.”