The Lake House

View trailer here.

A tagline for this movie is “How do you hold on to somebody you never met?” It should be, “Walk away - seriously, we've let you down before, we'll let you down again - go see Brick.” You'll notice early in the over-sentimental and mundane trailer, the dog sitting next to Bullock (who laughably plays a doctor – Bullock, not the dog; the dog plays a Sapphic poet). This is innovative by director Alejandro Agresti: that dog is you, the viewer, bored out of your mind, wondering if you left the iron on or why you’re skipping work for the tenth day in a row. “Who do you know who could be a dildo model?" you ask. "Is it boring for dildo model’s girlfriends when they see the model’s real penis?” These are some of the thoughts in your, or that dog’s, mind as you sit through the trailer. Another thought is: What the hell furnishes this lake house? It literally looks like Cameron’s house from Ferris Bueller, sans furniture, beds and good actors. Suspension of disbelief…again, Bullock plays a FUCKING DOCTOR.

The disarming amount of voice-overs is probably just a sliver of the mind-numbing voice-overs that will occur during the movie – these aren’t creative thinkers, people, this isn’t Colombo or Lansbury, it’s Bullock and Reeves. Like seeing the thoughts of a stupored catatonic at a Bergman film. Notice the dog. It travels with both Reeves and Bullock in different scenes. Let me guess: the dog comes out of the woods and befriends the star-crossed lovers? Yeah, that’s “beautiful, seductive even.” If this were reality, that dog would get mauled by a grizzly bear or struck by lighting or cast in a very stupid movie…oh wait, it did. Next stop, Speed V, the dog that couldn’t stop licking it’s own testicles…sort of like Keanu Reaves' career. (Snap? Snap.)



Perhaps the worst thing for this movie is its utter lack of Humor. How could they not have humor? Are all these letters totally serious? Is there never a time at the lonely lake house when Keanu writes, “How’s your day? FYI - I wanna postal fuck! LOL!” I’m just saying, the lake house must get lonely….


Christopher Plummer wondering why he can't just play another evil puritan asshole.

In closing, I’m so happy they took the Keane song, “Somewhere Only We Know,” and used it in the trailer (not-so-subliminal message). Keanu Reeves was probably at Starbucks starring at a bland muffin when he heard the song. Way to ruin one of my favorite albums of 2005, you pricks. On the down-low, this movie does have something going for it that you probably didn’t see coming – the world record for longest on-screen act of bestiality – this, dear reader, will set The Lake House apart as not just a movie, but a tragic love story with two heroes and a small fur-trulescent dog.