Charlotte's Web

Purity is not a word that I toss about too often. But there is purity in the writings of E.B. White.

Charlotte’s Web is a pure book. It is a polite book. It is a book with manners. It is a book that your grandmother probably gave you when you were 14 and too old to for it. But she wanted you to have it anyway because she thought your parents were raising you poorly and reading Charlotte’s Web would make you less of a shit. But at that point, you had probably read it or seen the excellent Hanna Barbara animated musical adaptation (I still love the song that Templeton and the Goose sing about a fair being “a veritable smorgasbord”) and if neither had an affect on you when you were younger you were probably hopeless. And your grandmother knew that. But she hoped. She saw they were making a big Hollywood adaptation of the book she so wanted you to love. Perhaps, here was a chance for your younger brother or sister at least to have a shot at a good life.

Then she saw the trailer.

Your grandmother does not think it is a classy thing when a cow farts on a rat. There is a distinct lack of purity in that act.

Note to Hollywood: They already made a classy live-action version of Charlotte’s Web. IT WAS CALLED BABE. We did this once already. You will not make a better movie about a pig, so why even try? I even chose a still from the Babe trailer as the frontispiece for this post. Admit it, you had no idea.

Grandma knew though, grandma knew.