Apocalypto

Apocalypto, the second "historical" film from Mel Gibson’s production company, Icon Entertainment, has much to live up to – The Passion had people walking out in droves; can this also succeed in such a manner? Well, the dialogue will be Yucatec, for one. You know, that obscure Mayan dialect we all love. It also features a bunch of random Mexican actors from Mexico City. This actually works for the teaser – the odd ambiguity of the faces makes it creepier, like a horror film. Or the Jesus Chain Saw Massacre. Also, the fact that it is so ambiguous will have people like me searching out information about Mayan civilization and the film. Kudos. I also learned that one of the actors in the film is assistant manager at an Olive Garden in Cozumel. We should go.

What I don’t like is the opening quote from historian/philosopher/socialist/libertarian Will Durant. It opens up the idea that this is historically accurate, which, I’m pretty sure, it won’t be. But Gibson, and his insane dad, will both claim accuracy and to their logic – twisted, hateful belief is always accurate. Like how the Holocaust didn't happen, remember? Just fudged numbers and some people moved.

While many people attribute the decline of the Mayans to drought, I think Gibson will probably pin it on a less-attributed source – mass murder, rape, disembowlment, you name it. More truthfully, he will focus on a belief that it was an invading force: the Spanish. Notice the knife-slash sounds at the beginning and the Mayan art only focused on blood. Then the creepy faces….oh, the creepy faces! At what point do people, six guys, decide to stand together and collectively look “creepy” with white chalk on their faces? Oh yeah, when Mel Gibson tells them to.



The idea that a tagline of the film is, “When the end comes, not everyone is ready to go…” I mean, what the fuck? That’s ridiculous. Can’t you come up with something less obvious. Of course not everyone is ready to go. If you told me I was fired, I’d say in protest, “No way man! I love this free hot chocolate!” Oh, but the plot thickens in the teaser: the wooden nose-pin chick is preggers! "No, but we’re about to end as a civilization," they protest. But she’s pregnant: an idea unheard of in pre-condom days, right? Right.

I really have no idea what we’re supposed to take from the teaser trailer. Man on top of high point, people screaming, a cougar. No, I think Stick It holds more promise.