Goal: Installment 1

Casting Call Newcastle: We're looking for guys who look NOTHING LIKE SOCCER PLAYERS. Interested?

View trailer here.

What’s insane about this movie besides the vapid trailer that totally gives away almost every decent scene in the film is the idea that it will be successful – they’ve already began filming Goal! 2 and Goal! 3. WTF?! If the story follows a realistic tale of a Mexican footballer, Santiago Munez’s will next become a Telemundo sportscaster, and in Goal 3 he will descend into horrific squalor and poverty with gambling debts. Then he’ll open a falafel stand outside of Newcastle United’s stadium. Bratty little kids will walk by and taunt him, saying racist shit and soon he will become a featured guest on “The Mind of Mencia.” What? I’m just being a realist.

It’s hilarious too that he’s so poor that he can only afford cardboard shin guards, but he’s wearing $100 dollar Adidas shoes. Nice move, props guy – I know it’s weird to be working on this bullshit movie, but at least give the guy clogs or uggs. Also, how many great Mexican players “make it” in the Premiership? Hardly any, why? Because they’re huge diving fairies and they can’t take the tough, hard-man type of game the English play. But okay, for Santiago, I’ll suspend my disbelief. The movie has all the stops of a clichéd, come-from-nothing-turn-into-Newcastle-superstar-mexican-kid-who-I-don’t-particularly-like-or-believe-in-have-you-seen-my-socks film. Ya know? Also, the word “own” is missing from the title of this film. Snap! Mert 1, Santiago nil, bitches.


A picture from a real soccer movie, Shaolin Soccer.