Phat Girlz

Trailer can be located here.

SPOILER – WARNING: This movie is going to be fucking dumb.

I’ve been waiting. Eagerly going to imdb.com almost daily to find out when this movie, nay film, will open in the U.S. Just say it out loud, the title alone inspires honey-scented breath: Phat Girlz. Phat Girlz. Well, my loyal Mo’Nique fans the day where we will all surely be seen eagerly waiting around the 42nd Street theaters is April 7th.

What else makes this a perfect movie? Eric Roberts. Yeah, that’s right, the Biloxi-native took time out of his busy schedule of Indie Pop music videos to star in this sure to be epic, timeless, blah, blah, blah film. Okay, honestly, I think it’s funny that the whole argument of this film seems to be that women are special and deserving despite appearance and that size truly doesn’t matter. Yet all the dudes she’s attracted to, and the main love interest of this movie, are steroid-addicted, gym junkies.

Why not be honest about it and play in the plus-size league that your “talent” places you in? Put Orca-woman with a realistic guy like say Dr. Phil or Horatio Sanz’s dad? I don’t even find the jokes in the trailer funny – it’s like a worse Bridget Jones, or a better Pride and Prejudice. I laughed once while watching it, but it was because I was thinking about something that happened last night – hilarious. “You’re so ugly, your mamma got morning sickness after you was born.” Please oh holy God don’t ever use that. If you do, you deserve to have a stapler shoved in your butt.

If you’re fat – try getting your stomach stapled. Or here’s a novel thought, try running or walking, and not to Pretzel Time and Sbarro. Sure, Hollywood is ridiculous – but celebrity stars, to me, are meant to be superhuman and creepily "in shape." I don’t want to watch a lady who eats all the thin mints at her desk and then goes into the women’s restroom for three hours to take a catastrophic dump – I want to watch ridiculously good-looking people do crazy shit.

“Jasmine Biltmore refuses to stuff her super-sized dreams into a minus-sized world.” If there were an honest voiceover for this movie, it would be something like this: “This fat chick wants to change her life, but instead of working out and trying to help herself, she’s gonna do the idiotic thing and think that someone else, this weird jacked African guy, will solve all her problems with his massive-anaconda cock and vague history. We’ll all probably learn something we already knew.”

The only thing that could redeem this trailer for me is if they showed Eric Roberts in his best role ever, Best of the Best, kicking the crap out of an evil Korean. He had a dislocated shoulder and won for the U.S. Team, that’s amazing stuff, people. Amazing stuff.