Little Man

Fuck You, Wayans.

Ratatouille

Brad Bird directs a second Pixar movie? It will be excellent, sign me up. It takes place in Paris? Again, sign me up. Snooty restaurants, french accents, and whining accordions? Movie gold. The entire first bit of this trailer pulls heavily on the fantastic kitchen seqence from The Little Mermaid, and I couldn't be happier. I hope the movie has crazy kitchen chase after crazy kitchen chase, but even if it doesn't, I know it will be good.

That said, I am not crazy about the trailer. I know that this is the way early not-from-the-movie trailer that pixar always does, the cars one was pretty bad, and that movie turned out fine. The Incredibles one was amazing, but let's face it - everything about that movie was amazing. The Ratatouille trailer starts off really well, I mean who doesn't want to see a kitchen get smashed up while a funny rat runs around, but when it cuts to the expositition, I'm less taken. I don't know much about the voice actor for the main guy, he has done a bunch of TV and small parts, and frankly his voice is kind of annoying when he's shouting to his dad. I trust that the decision is a sound one, and that the movie will be excellent, but the trailer in a vaccuum - it's not quite the magic it could be.

Final verdict: Trailer - 7 / Movie prediction - 10.

Watch the trailer here. (Apple.com)

This is a little early, as I am traveling again this Friday. Forgive me, boys.

Brothers of the Head

Watch the trailer here.

The moment this trailer starts and Jonathan Pryce is on the boat, I really hoped it was a movie about Oasis and not about two freakish, conjoined twins and their punk rock career. I mean, honestly, what the fuck? "Hi, I'm an independent film director and I want to make a movie about 'space docking,' it's when a guy takes a dump in his girlfriend's vagina." Yeah, that's what I think of the depths some directors will go to shock you into seeing total shit. Just. Make. A. Quality. Movie. Like Jimmy Fallon does, for instance. Enough of this crap.

However, Brothers of the Head is a movie of immense stupidity, and on that note: go do your laundry or clean your fridge or masturbate. Seriously, you haven't done it in a while and you don't want waste two hours of your precious life (please don't masturbate for two hours - that's bound to get painful). It's not the subject matter entirely that irks me, it's the exploitive marketing behind it. One of the taglines is "For some people, rock and roll will always be a freak show." Nice, Toni Grosoni (the writer of the screenplay), way to allow your work - and the novel BOTH was based on - to be royally pissed on.

You know that moment in Braveheart when Angus Macfadyen, playing Robert the Bruce, stands on the battlefield and stares at the camera after a horrific fight, looking dishonored at the death and ghastly nature of humanity? You know that scene? Yeah, that's how I feel about this trailer: Oh Holy God, what have we done?

Monster House

Wednesday's Post, two days overdue:

When the trailer first dropped for Monster House, I must admit I was underwhelmed. Sure it looks pretty, but honestly, when anyone other than Pixar makes animated CG movies, it is like watching someone other than Kobayashi win a hot dog eating contest. Sure the same elements are there, but where’s the love?

Then I found out that a certain fellow named Rob Schrab wrote and had the initial concept for the film. This made things a bit more interesting. Mr. Schrab wrote one of the finest comic book series of the 90s, Scud the Disposable Assassin. It was like John Woo, Quentin Tarintino, and Sam Peckinpah got together and made some crazy android baby that wrote a comic book. If you have the opportunity to read the collections, go for it.

So it was with more interest that I watched this new trailer for Monster House. It is very similar to the older trailer, but contains one significant difference: The funniest joke I have seen in a trailer in a year. I wont transcribe it here, but it involves Baseball and Mental Retardation. You’ll know it when you hear it.

Spiffae is in the wilds of Tokyo, so I will be posting for him this evening or tomorrow morning. Keep you eyes peeled.

Once in a Lifetime

Watch the trailer here.

Many people think soccer is a sport for "flaming sissies," "big vaginas" and, erm, "the British." But in the 1970s it became a sexy game. This is not a joke. In England George Best was doing drugs, going out to all the clubs - he was a major rockstar. Same with Beckenbaur, Cryuff and Pele. As we are in the midst of the 2006 World Cup, people are beginning to take a liking to this sexy game once again. I get hot just thinking about Henry, Zidane, Ronaldinho and Beckham. And Rooney makes me wish I was a skanky British slag just for one kiss on his sweet, be-acned face.

This movie will be a hit - albeit a small hit - but an independent success, especially since it will be released two days before the World Cup Final next month. And, as luck would have it, the day Babe Ruth got his Masters in Medieval Art History. Recipe for glory, methinks.

The trailer for Once in a Lifetime is a let down, however, and doesn't make it as bloody awesome as it absolutely will be. The first third of this trailer is stupid and makes the movie seem like a joke - it's a great story that true soccer fans know - the plight of the initial "Dream Team." Even soccer novices should and will enjoy the film. Beckenbaur, Pele, even Ozzie Ardilles and Chinaglia, the most overrated soccer player in history, all played in the green and white of the New York Cosmos. For me what is wrong with this trailer is its lack of sincerity. Anybody who was alive in the 1970s and remembers this team and this time should be angry at the bullshit voiceover in the trailer. Stupid sentences like, "The glamour..." "The Greed..." "And that's just the first half." The trailer is weak because it doesn't show half the skills and great goals that players on the Cosmos scored. It would be like making a movie about Nascar and not showing any of the crashes. Pele scored 111 goals for them in about four seasons (gasp, vomit), but the trailer only has one of his goals and none of his phenomenal dribbling skills.

Once - just once in my life - I want to hear a voiceover say one sentence at the end of the trailer: "This. Movie. Will. Fuck. You. Hard."

Casino Royale

When Daniel Craig was announced as the next James Bond, some people were upset. I'm not sure why, I guess they liked Pierce Brosnan's limp-wristed sashaying around the world's tourist spots, bedding improbably willing women and every once and a while getting punched in the face. Bond movies have always been big on the camp and sense of fun, but with Brosnan at the wheel it was like everyone was in on a big joke, and that joke stopped being funny a long time ago.

So Daniel Craig came on the scene, a younger fellow, sharp looking and only a couple of roles under his belt (he was excellent in Layer Cake and Munich). There was some talk of re-gritting up the series, making it rougher and more realistic, going back to the early Bond books, and getting a fresh start. This trailer certainly started out right. Snappy black and white, not a lame cliche in sight, Daniel Craig looking super effing cool, and then right at the halfway point - poof. A stupid color montage of dumb action, that damn dated music, and like seven shots of ladies and men getting out of the water. If Casino Royale were directed by Doug Liman, shot entirely in black and white, involved brutal beatings and executions, it might be good. As it is, it looks like a pastiche of James Bond, caught between wanting to be edgy and wanting to be campy, with a trailer cut by someone who watched to footage, was disappointed because it was bad, and decided to spend the first half of his alloted time using random odds and ends to set up a look that will be sorely lacking from the final film.

Watch the trailer here.

I read this back over, and it's pretty harsh. In truth, I hold a little hope for this movie, mostly because Daniel Craig reminds me of Steve McQueen in his youth, and when I try to imagine a Steve McQueen James Bond, it's so awesome that I have to stop thinking about it before my head explodes.

Princess

Check out this staggeringly awesome teaser. Turn down your volume, its loud.

There is a longer, very NSFW trailer for this Danish film, which can be found with little effort. I am not posting a direct link to the longer one, because it is not in a language you probably know. If they release a subtitled version it will get a more complete write-up here.

But for now, just enjoy this teaser. I am not going to tell you what the film is about or what to expect when you click on the link. Just know it is very short and very amazing.

The Groomsmen

View The Groomsmen trailer here.

If premature ejaculation were a trailer, The Groomsmen’s trailer would be running out of the bedroom murmuring about drinking too much and wanting to go back to its apartment and watch ESPN or Geraldo or some shit. This trailer isn’t good. In fact, the trailer seems to be leaking The Big Chill. It's trying to have Jay Mohr with the humor of a Vince Vaughn and the stupidity of Will Farrell, but it’s Matthew Lilliard. Who wants to pay money for this shit? What is John Leguizamo thinking? Is this a movie actually DIRECTED by Ed Burns?

If one genre is a chick flick, this is most definitely a dick flick. Guys confronting change – really good looking guys, one of whom is with Brittany Murphy. Yeah, that happens. A bunch of guys rolling into the days of Viagra, Preparation H, and Martha Stewart who decide to play in a rock band one last time – I can just see myself at the movies, sitting next to my dad’s bowling team and wanting to vomit as Matthew Lilliard strums his career-ruined guitar. Maybe Pauley Shore will make a cameo and shit on the drums.



Cosmic suspension of disbelief: In the trailer, Lilliard calls his kids his “homeboys.” Jay Mohr plays a violent brother who gets into fights…Ed Burns knows how to golf (watch this scene close, Burns’ massive wad is totes sticking out, male camel toe….How do guys in their early 30s afford this lavish lifestyle? Boating, nice houses, golf, restaurants that are not Red Lobster, Britanny Murphy? Their existence is impossible; this movie is bullshit.

The last scene of the trailer – which is trying desperately to be funny – sums up the film for me. To illustrate my feelings: I just had my penis stepped on my Ed Burns. Hard. That’s right, Private Reiben stepped on my nads with his crappy movie with actors I once liked. You heard me, Spawn, you. heard. me.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Well here's a brilliant idea. You can only watch the trailer between 10:00 PM and 4:00 AM. What genius came up with that piece of marketing? If I'm interested in a movie and the trailer comes out, when I click the link I want to see the goddamn trailer. Here is a little fuck you to whoever came up with this marketing coup.

24 hour link to the large trailer

Since I am late to writing this and it is 10:46, I can watch it and comment on it, and it is my great displeasure to say that the trailer is actually pretty good and full of nice sound work, good editing, and excellent visuals. Probably though, if I were to see it when I am wide awake and not tired, I would see through the flimsy production and realize that this is a terrible trailer, but since I can only see it half asleep, I think it's pretty good. May this actually was a good idea. They should only show the movie from 10 to 4, that way no one would ever see the movie fully cognizant of what was going on, and thus would report that it was good. That's actually an idea - you could probably manufacture a movie to appeal to people who are really tired, calm music, peaceful, sleepy images, and then flashes of shocking horror to keep you awake. Holy shit I think I just figured it out. The trailer starts with a damn lullaby, for Christ's sake.

Five stars for marketing genius.

I still won't see this movie though.

Trailer page (from 10pm to 4am)

The Lost City

Cuba

Havana.

Ha-ba-na.

Havana is Españolish for "drenched in sweat".

The trailer for Out of Time caused me to effeminately fan myself in the theatre. The trailer for The Quiet American made me dizzy and a little sick to my stomach. After seeing the Lost City trailer before the superlative Brick (if we reviewed whole movies, I couldn't speak highly enough of Brick) I had to be hospitalized for heat stroke.

Aside from my bizarre psychosomatic maladies, this is a great trailer. For me, there are two kinds of great trailers. One kind makes me desperately want to see the film advertised, e.g. trailers for The Matrix Reloaded, The Incredibles, and the aforementioned Brick. The other kind of great trailer makes me feel as I have watched and enjoyed a movie I would never see. There is nothing about the film The Lost City that appeals to me, but its trailer is a long, gorgeous classic. It slides effortlessly from pathos, to action, to mambo and back again. The last thirty seconds, starting with the lovely Inés Sastre whispering, “Time is not on our side” and ending with the title card…perfect.

Whattya know? Crank up the A/C folks, I just convinced myself to go see the damn movie.

By the way, this is our 50th post. I would like the thank our readers for getting us here, but really Mert wrote like 35 posts in a row while Spiffae and I climbed K2. Thanks, Mert.

Little Miss Sunshine

View Little Miss Sunshine trailer here.

Seldom do trailers come along that make me want to say, “Fuck. Google. Yes.” Seldom does a trailer come along starring Wesley Snipes that makes me say, “Fuck. No!” Some of the previous comments are neither here nor there, but this dark and hilarious trailer blows my mind. The orchestral/violin opening is moving and enticing. And the trailer is riddled with jokes that seem, well, not really like jokes at all – hence the essence of my favorite type of humor: “Should I laugh or should I cry?” “Is this absurd or normal?” “Can suicide be funny?” Hell yes.

Steve Carell, fresh off of his brilliant performance as Michael Scott in the American Office, which has earned him a pantload of prizes, is made for a role like this – it tests the mettle of all comedians to see them play the tragic-comedian. Will Ferrell tried and failed in Winter Passing, Jim Carey succeeded in Man on the Moon, and Mork did pretty well in It’s Not Your Fault, Will, It’s Not Your Fault. This seems to be the opportunity for Carell to prove his stuff, and I’d wager he will fucking rock the mic.



Jonathan Dayton and Victoria Faris - the directors of Little Miss Sunshine - are perhaps more well-known for directing “Mr. Show.” They also did a little known MTV show called “The Cutting Edge” some time ago (it was sorta a big deal – like hotcakes and butter and pushpins). It’s nice to see that they recognize what many of us already knew: Steve Carell is an extremely gay man. His opening conversation with the silent Paul Dano is brilliant, and oozing with “I’m pretty gay” sentiments. And the second conversation with Abigail Arkin at the dinner table about his “accident” is deeply moving. Oh, and really, really gay.

This is a fantastic trailer. The film is supposed to be astonishing says all of the anorexic blowhards at Sundance. We shall see.

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Welcome to Friday, for your weekly dose of positivity and happiness. This week we'll be talking about the new Pirates of the Carribean trailer, mysteriously absent from the Apple.com trailer page. I don't know if it's new or old, only that it looks and feels good and expensive.

Like many, I was surprised by the first PotC (ha ha) movie, surprised in a good way, and I have been curious to know how the sequel will pan out. Gore Verbinski is directing again, which I think is a good thing. Bear with me for a second. Did anyone else think Gore Verbinski was an old famous director? I just looked him up on IMDB, and his first real movie was made in 2001. Now his filmography has some movies that people don't like, but I liked The Mexican, and I liked The Ring (which I now remember thinking was directed by an old famous director). I didn't see The Weather Man, but maybe I will. Anyway, about the trailer.

This is an epic trailer. I don't know what it is about it, I'm guessing mostly just a lot of money went to the editing house that made this. The last trailer I remember with this kind of polish was the Chalie's Angels: Full Throttle trailer. Man, that was an embarassing sentence to write. Either way, this trailer feels like it's ten years long, but in a good way. It runs for two minutes, but in those two minutes, it jumps to dozens of locations, nearly every shot is full of really top-end special effects, the sound mix is huge and bombastic, and the images are gorgeous in a fun sort of way. The trailer very well could end at 1:15 seconds, but then it keeps going, getting bigger and bigger and frankly capturing exactly the feel we'd expect of a PotC sequel.

One other thing. There are two jokes in this trailer, both delivered by Johnny Depp, both just brilliant. It's been a while since a trailer actually made me laugh, but the last line in this trailer got me. I knew it was coming, I saw the setup a mile away, but still. It's that good. He really is fantastic in that character, isn't he?

Either way, do yourself a favor and fire this up in HD, and then come see this movie with me when it comes out.

Trailer (disney.go.com)

Wednesday's Update

Sorry, I dropped the ball yesterday and there will be no mid-week update this week. But please, return next wednesday for a double review of The Lost City and The King, two trailers that make me sweat just watching them.