Once in a Lifetime

Watch the trailer here.

Many people think soccer is a sport for "flaming sissies," "big vaginas" and, erm, "the British." But in the 1970s it became a sexy game. This is not a joke. In England George Best was doing drugs, going out to all the clubs - he was a major rockstar. Same with Beckenbaur, Cryuff and Pele. As we are in the midst of the 2006 World Cup, people are beginning to take a liking to this sexy game once again. I get hot just thinking about Henry, Zidane, Ronaldinho and Beckham. And Rooney makes me wish I was a skanky British slag just for one kiss on his sweet, be-acned face.

This movie will be a hit - albeit a small hit - but an independent success, especially since it will be released two days before the World Cup Final next month. And, as luck would have it, the day Babe Ruth got his Masters in Medieval Art History. Recipe for glory, methinks.

The trailer for Once in a Lifetime is a let down, however, and doesn't make it as bloody awesome as it absolutely will be. The first third of this trailer is stupid and makes the movie seem like a joke - it's a great story that true soccer fans know - the plight of the initial "Dream Team." Even soccer novices should and will enjoy the film. Beckenbaur, Pele, even Ozzie Ardilles and Chinaglia, the most overrated soccer player in history, all played in the green and white of the New York Cosmos. For me what is wrong with this trailer is its lack of sincerity. Anybody who was alive in the 1970s and remembers this team and this time should be angry at the bullshit voiceover in the trailer. Stupid sentences like, "The glamour..." "The Greed..." "And that's just the first half." The trailer is weak because it doesn't show half the skills and great goals that players on the Cosmos scored. It would be like making a movie about Nascar and not showing any of the crashes. Pele scored 111 goals for them in about four seasons (gasp, vomit), but the trailer only has one of his goals and none of his phenomenal dribbling skills.

Once - just once in my life - I want to hear a voiceover say one sentence at the end of the trailer: "This. Movie. Will. Fuck. You. Hard."