Who Killed the Electric Car?

Who cares.

View the trailer here.

A technological dream deferred, nay forgotten. Shame on us. Automobiles spew smog? Oh, the shame! The right wing, corporate-driven government doesn’t want cheaper cars for the world’s population? No way! All of these blatantly obvious things spell “total shock” to a “total fucking retard.” This trailer sucks.

In the 1990s, the California Air Resources Board (CARB) began to require automakers to make more eco-friendly automobiles. This request was quickly rolled back. Is anyone really surprised? These are cars that require us - the buyers and drivers of automobiles, the purchasers of gasoline - to spend less, give less and require less. As great as it all sounds to us to spend little and live healthier, it’s the same thing as cigarettes, trans fats (whatever that means), junk food, cancer, etc. – the answers are out there, the problem is the people with money and greed (everyone) doesn’t want to stop making money and satiating greed. We destroy the world and each other, it's bloody addictive. I respect the motive of this genre of documentary film: the ones where they show fast food is bad, cigarettes kill, we’re destroying the earth, penguins don’t need to be raped, etc. But honestly, WE ALL KNOW IT, and we’re gonna keep fucking up – we’re human, we’re selfish. That doesn't mean stop making informative, warning films - just do it differently. Spurlock is an idiot, but Supersize Me was so stupid, so weird, that it actually worked for a lot of people and has taken a sliver of McDonald's profits. Spurlock is still a hillbilly idiot.

“People who control the marketplace today – THE OIL COMPANIES – have a strong incentive to discourage alternatives.” Gee, is that news? “Hi, I’m from planet earth. Have we met?” Yes, it's official: I just quoted David Spade, that's how bad this trailer is. “$100 trillion dollars is left to be made in the oil industry.” Actually, more is left to be made if we go into more wars and overcharge morons. The Western World profits off of strife. Duh.

I’m no Republican, but when they target the government that ruined the future of the electric car, why do they show a Republican president who was elected four years after the car was ditched and his secretary of state? Where’s Clinton? Where’s Albright? This ain't simply con-da-sleeza. Can we have a unanimous blame, please?

I don’t have much more to say about this trailer, except as I sit and watch it over and over, I can’t help but think there will be ten angry, jobless New Yorkers at the movie, on their way to a Ralph Nader tofu party at some hippy’s Upper East Side apartment that also serves as an “Artist studio” where they all read Daniel Quinn and forget how they got there. That's a run-on sentence of hate, peeps. These are the same people who follow Michale Moore around and regulary suck off Ralph Nader in the name of communism.

The world sucks, it’s selfish. Just ride a bike; stop whining about a stupid electric car. Take the money you spent on this obvious movie, Sony Pictures, and send it to Darfur. Christ.

This post was written by Mert Menglemeir, and posted for him by Accidentally Disastrous.

The Namesake

I'm probably going to be fired from this blog soon for writing positive reviews about movies I plan on seeing, but hey, I found another one.

The thing I love about trailers is how easy it is to discover something with a huge potential to entertain. Today I saw The Namesake at the top of the trailers list and gave it a click. A whole bunch of foreign names and Romance/Comedy nearly deterred me, but I figured what the hell. It's only a couple minutes.

So a coming of age story about a traditional Indian family living in New York, the son who wants to be with new people, a tragedy in the past, tearful moments in the rain - sounds boring as hell, and yet it works. Not only is the trailer quite good, but it really looks like the movie will be good too. I can't put my finger on why. It's got a nice hook at the beginning, the music is good throughout, and the humor is sharp - I wouldn't call it sophisticated, but it's quiet and somewhat subtle, and the timing is right. I like seeing a movie full of faces I don't know, and I like that it takes place in New York. I've watched it four or five times now, and I still can't figure out exactly why it is that this trailer works so well, and why over the ending montage of images that are not particularly breathtaking or amazing, I get goosebumps. Someone with a lot of skill cut this trailer, and in doing so reminded me why I like watching trailers so much.

High-Def Trailer (Apple)

Ghost Rider

The trailer looks dumb. So does Ghost Rider. Sorry to ruin it.

While a skeleton engulfed in flames look marvelous on the printed page, it does not translate well to live action. Especially not when that action is a skeleton hand is zipping up a zipper.

Furthermore, would it have killed them to play "Bad to the Bone"? Logic dictates that if there is a motorcycle anywhere on screen at any time, Bad to the Bone should be playing. As you watch the trailer, imagine the song kicking in right as the hand zips up the zipper. Actually, cue the song to about 8 seconds and start it during the black out before the zipper, and let it play through the rest of the trailer. There. Much better.

Two Cool Things

- Jumping a motorcycle over six Blackhawks on a football field? Awesome. That is the only word for it. I love the fact that Cage's friend tells him he is lucky to be alive after falling off his bike (see above). If I was Nick Cage I would be all: "I think I am lucky to be alive because I didn't fall on top of a fucking helicopter!"

- Sam Elliot. I wish this man lived in my head and narrated my life. I would smoke 8 packs a day if I thought I could get a voice like his. You get a little more of him in the International Teaser than in the domestic if you decide to watch one or the other. If he is the narrator of the film, it may actually be watchable.

Oh, and nice hairpiece, Nick. You look like a twat.

The Lake House

View trailer here.

A tagline for this movie is “How do you hold on to somebody you never met?” It should be, “Walk away - seriously, we've let you down before, we'll let you down again - go see Brick.” You'll notice early in the over-sentimental and mundane trailer, the dog sitting next to Bullock (who laughably plays a doctor – Bullock, not the dog; the dog plays a Sapphic poet). This is innovative by director Alejandro Agresti: that dog is you, the viewer, bored out of your mind, wondering if you left the iron on or why you’re skipping work for the tenth day in a row. “Who do you know who could be a dildo model?" you ask. "Is it boring for dildo model’s girlfriends when they see the model’s real penis?” These are some of the thoughts in your, or that dog’s, mind as you sit through the trailer. Another thought is: What the hell furnishes this lake house? It literally looks like Cameron’s house from Ferris Bueller, sans furniture, beds and good actors. Suspension of disbelief…again, Bullock plays a FUCKING DOCTOR.

The disarming amount of voice-overs is probably just a sliver of the mind-numbing voice-overs that will occur during the movie – these aren’t creative thinkers, people, this isn’t Colombo or Lansbury, it’s Bullock and Reeves. Like seeing the thoughts of a stupored catatonic at a Bergman film. Notice the dog. It travels with both Reeves and Bullock in different scenes. Let me guess: the dog comes out of the woods and befriends the star-crossed lovers? Yeah, that’s “beautiful, seductive even.” If this were reality, that dog would get mauled by a grizzly bear or struck by lighting or cast in a very stupid movie…oh wait, it did. Next stop, Speed V, the dog that couldn’t stop licking it’s own testicles…sort of like Keanu Reaves' career. (Snap? Snap.)



Perhaps the worst thing for this movie is its utter lack of Humor. How could they not have humor? Are all these letters totally serious? Is there never a time at the lonely lake house when Keanu writes, “How’s your day? FYI - I wanna postal fuck! LOL!” I’m just saying, the lake house must get lonely….


Christopher Plummer wondering why he can't just play another evil puritan asshole.

In closing, I’m so happy they took the Keane song, “Somewhere Only We Know,” and used it in the trailer (not-so-subliminal message). Keanu Reeves was probably at Starbucks starring at a bland muffin when he heard the song. Way to ruin one of my favorite albums of 2005, you pricks. On the down-low, this movie does have something going for it that you probably didn’t see coming – the world record for longest on-screen act of bestiality – this, dear reader, will set The Lake House apart as not just a movie, but a tragic love story with two heroes and a small fur-trulescent dog.

The Devil Wears Prada

Wow, it's been a good few days for trailers. The Devil Wears Prada, World Trade Center, The King - three genuinely surprising and excellent trailers. I'll stick with the one that I expected the least to like. I had heard about the book; fashiony chick-lit, written by a woman who worked at vogue for a while. It sounded like a book about a bunch of nasty girls writing about expensive clothes, saying nasty things about each other, and one nice girl getting picked on, and at the end she probably tells everyone off and makes them feel bad before storming out onto the street and hailing a cab with a big smile on her face, ready to conquer the world. A song starts, the camera cranes up, and the credits roll. I'll put a five spot on that.

It's the ultimate movie to make a bad trailer for too - some snappy pop soundtrack, the same narrator as every other chick flick trailer, a quick montage of pretty faces, a hot boy, maybe two seconds where they cut the music and make a joke about bodily functions, cut to title which is enthusiastically read by the announcer, the end.

Instead, we've got something different. The trailer is coherent. It has a narrative. The entire first minute is entirely without music, the entire trailer is without snappy text or jumpy cuts. The music comes on, not pop, not some new alt-country-metal-jazz that the kids like these days, but a simple plucked double bass and some percussion. The story (gasp!) continues over the music, still no narrator, still no montage - and over some snazzy guitars, Meryl Streep arrives. 40 seconds after the music started, it stops, and that's it for the trailer. The makers of this trailer decide to rely on the strength of their material to make this a good trailer - and holy moses it is.

Everyone is great in this trailer, but special honors go to Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep. Stanley Tucci is playing the same gay fashionista who appears in every single movie or TV show about fashion, but something about his giant black collar, round glasses, creased and expressive face and the way he hides and says "who is this?" is just excellent. I want to see more of him.
Meryl Streep - well, they are lucky she is as good as she is. This whole movie will turn on whether or not she embodies that utter bitch of a boss she's supposed to play, and my god does she do it. She is perfect and wonderful to watch - ever line, every look, every gesture. A couple weeks ago I wrote about the Superman trailer and how much I liked Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor - he was magnetic and charismatic and the fact that he was evil was a big part of his appeal. Meryl Streep's character is the same way. She's cold and mean and unforgiving, and I just want to see more. I want to see a spin-off TV show where she just sits at her desk and tells various people why they suck for half an hour. I want to see this movie.

I love the downer ending this trailer has. It's just great to see the hopeful young girl get shut out and turned away after all that buildup. Stanley Tucci makes a snide remark, and that's that. Brilliant.

One pet peve. Anne Hathaway has the "stand up in your seat and cheer, girls" line: "Um, you're right. I don't fit in here. I'm not skinny, or glamorous, but I'm smart. I learn fast, and I will work very hard." It's probably right from the book, but it just doesn't work here. While she may not be playing a glamorous character, Ann Hathaway is not only a strikingly beautiful woman, she has the most glamorous name I think I've ever heard. Not skinny? Look at this picture.

Beware, boys and girls - this is the new face of fat.

Why does the main character of a chick flick always have to pretend like she's ugly when clearly she's a gorgeous movie star?

The Proposition

At first glance, The Proposition looks another tale of the hard-scrabble men who kill to live and live to kill. But to the trained eye, the eye that has LEARNED to SEE, it is so much more. What is that name under “written by”? Well, bless my soul its NICK fucking CAVE.

CAVE’s heady style of Americana Gothic Rock and Roll has blessed this earth for nigh on five and twenty years. If you haven’t heard it, I pity you. All he does is so gloriously violent and frighteningly over the top that it almost seems as if he jests. But don’t you DARE laugh, by god, for CAVE speaks WORDS that you MUST hear.

For when that day of rapture comes, Those Who Follow CAVE will be taken in the right hand of THE MASTER, while those who do not shall be cast DOWN, DOWN past the fires of hell to a place where all is screaming wind and wet, ever-grasping darkness. I can offer only a poor attempt to ape CAVE’s words, here is the real thing.

From CAVE’s novel, And the Ass Saw the Angel

“It was his brother who tore the caul on that, the morning of their birth, as if that sole act of assertion was to set an inverted precedent for inertia of his life to come, Euchrid, then unnamed, clutched ahold of his brother’s heels and slopped into the world with all the glory or an uninvited guest.

The noon-day sun spun in the sky like a molten bolt that hammered down upon the tin roof and tarred plank sides of the shack. Inside sat Pa, at this table, surrounded by his ingenious contraptions of springs and steel, sweating midst the bleeding heat while greasing his traps and trying, in vain, to closet his ears from the drunken ravings of his wife, who lay sprawled and caterwauling in the back seat of the old burnt-out Chevy. Pride of the junk-pile, that car, sitting of bricks out back of the shack, like a great shell shed in disgust by some outsized crawler.

There, in the squirms of labour, his bibulous spouse shrieked against the miracle that swelled and kicked inside her as she sucked on a bottle of her own White Jesus, rocking the Chevy on its stilts and moaning and screaming, screaming and a-moaning, 'Pa! Pa-a! Pa-a-a!,' until she heard the shack door open and then the shack door shut, whereupon she took leave of the morning and passed into unconsciousness.

‘Too pissed to push,’ Pa would tell Euchrid later.”

Get excited.

Down in the Valley

Mert is at AD’s casa and so they’ve decided to write up the Down in the Valley trailer as a joint effort. We hope this little experiment is as exciting for you as it is for us.

Check out the trailer here.

AccidentallyDisastrous: If the filmmaker’s goal was to make a movie that would be totally unattractive to me, they have succeeded with flying colors. There are many EdNorton’s and the “insecure crazy loner EdNorton who seems kind at first, but is seriously fucked”™ is my least favorite one.

MertMenglemier: Dude, I know. In late 2006, Norton will star in “The Illusionist,” where he plays a cowboy-magician-Nazi who has a homosexual crush on a guy named Ennis – I know, sounds “totes awesome” right? But get this, he’s a paraplegic cowboy and Wolf Blitzer directs it – it’s new territory, but it should be “totes good.” What do you think the impetus is for Norton leaving the loveable ranch to come to the city?

AccidentallyDisastrous: I have to assume that his career as the lead singer of the Stray Cats forced him to move from his mountain homestead into the city where he hooks up with the daughter of the guy from The Rock. But its all gonna go bad, as anyone who has seen the preview can attest.

MertMengelmier: It’s weird to think that a cowboy fucking your thirteen-year-old daughter would piss someone like David Morse off – he always plays such calm, gentle guys (The Rock, Twelve Monkeys, Indian Murderer David Morse: Killer in White Haired Body) but then again, the movie is called, “Down in the Valley,” which clearly is an allusion to the Ishiguro short story “Cowboy come from Valley, make like dragon and steal a Culkin.” What do you think, AD, have you read that?

AccidentallyDisastrous: There are not a lot of actors I like less than Keiran Culkin. It doesn’t matter that he isn’t in this movie. Just seeing one of the Culkin’s makes me relive that half-hour I spent watching The Secret Lives of Altar Boys. Seriously though, doesn’t this movie come out six times a year?

MertMengelmier: Actually, yes, it’s like Hard Candy meets Brokeback Mountain meets Fear meets Varsity Blues. It’s Indie tripe with a big name actor. The only reason I’d go with you to this if you asked me is if they were handing out Nerf baseball bats in the theater. That way, I could beat you with it and then myself for having seen another filmic abortion at your urging. I’m hungry; you know the time is coming for the final verdict on Down in the Valley of Boredom – we need to get drunk at dinner and hit on bland Thai waitresses.

AccidentallyDisastrous: Lets agree to agree. Some days we all just want to step out of our own heart, and go walking under sky full of stars.

MertMengelmier: Touche – and on this journey, lets shoot a cowboy and make him sing Train songs – just because that’s how we roll. Peace.

Lady In The Water - Trailer 2

I'm no friend of M. Night Shiyamaland's. I find his movies plodding, his twist endings juvenile and ill-considered, and his stories contrived. Despite sucking big time, Mr. Shymalaman's films are often beautiful, they get stellar casts and always have good moments to them. On top of that, their trailers are often quite excellent as they rely on some nice music, austere images, and they don't have a weak twist ending. The trailers are good, but that doesn't mean I can get down with the man. The worst thing about M. Night. Shamalamadingdong is that he seems so full of himself. He hit his first one out of the park with The Sixth Sense, yes - but since then it has seemed like he is too sure of himself. I hear he writes a script in one shot. I've articles claiming that Shaymalanmalan writes a shitty first draft and then starts shooting, relying on other people to fix his dumb mistakes and bad ideas. On top of that, he puts himself in all of his movies for a little cameo. M. Night - Hitchcock did it first, and he did it better. M. Night just seems to be the guy who thinks he can do no wrong, and let me tell you: He has wronged, and he will wrong again.

That said, I have to say, this trailer seems to indicate that The Lady in the Water could be better than the previous efforts. I like the back-story behind it (It was a story he made up to tell his daughter before she went to bed, and it kept expanding and he decided there was a movie there), it apparently has no twist ending, and it stars Paul Giamatti - who I'm sure at least one of the writers of this blog hates, but I like. It's definitely floating in on this latest magical realism fad, but hey, I'll bite. The trailer is pretty, the story is vaguely set up, and I'm interested - which is, in a nutshell, what the trailer set out to do.

There's one moment, where the Lady in question shouts something while Paul carries her, and no matter how many times I watch it to see what she's trying to say, it sounds like "Cleveland to run!" which might make sense in some sort of road race, but doesn't make much sense in context.

Also, M. Night, get the fuck out of your trailer:
Trailer Here (apple.com)

Drawing Restraint 9

First:
Go watch this trailer.
Watch it with the sound very loud.
Watch it full screen and sit very close.
That is probably as much of Drawing Restraint 9 as you will ever watch.
That is probably as much of Drawing Restraint 9 as you will ever need to watch.
Also, that is as much of the film’s soundtrack you will ever need to hear.

I love everything about this trailer. From the kid vomiting the giant prawn, to Barney’s logo rendered from whale blubber; from the garbage bag full of grubs to the insane title screen. It is an undeniably beautiful preview, for what is almost certainly an interminably boring film. I love watching the trailers for Mr. Barney’s films because they speak of such wonderful promise that the films themselves can never live up to.

But through it all, did you notice how perfectly calm and comfortable Björk looks? This film is clearly not one of Barney’s impenetrable metaphors for the cycles of creation and destruction inherent in our lives; he just followed Björk around for a day and filmed the kind of shit she gets up to! She is wearing that huge fur hood with her shaved eyebrows like it is a damn baseball cap!

It’s an art film. Why go to any trouble to see it? You have all you need from it right here.

I say again:
Watch this trailer.
Watch it loud.
Watch it close.
Consider yourself enriched.

Confetti

Watch the trailer here.

Well, it’s Christopher Guest meets the Full Monty, I suppose. A British "mockumentary" about people who want to win the title of “The Most Original Wedding of the Year.” Like all decent and recent films of this, erm, ilk, this one seems to be right on in its joke targets – the hilarity and sometimes absurdity of a wedding. I’m going to a wedding later this month where the first day everyone has to wear white as they play croquet and whip slaves. I mean, c’mon! I have no issues with weddings per se, but I can see how the buildup can get way out of hand and quickly veer the whole thing onto the wrong path with less-than-graceful guidance. (I once saw a flower girl eat half a table cloth after a dare).

The actors in this film improvised everything within their laid out scenes (a la "Curb Your Enthusiasm")– so when the naturalist fiancé (Robert Webb, no relation to Robert McNamara – just in case you were thinking that, dumbass) comes out naked in front of his soon-to-be mother-in-law and she cannot speak at the sight of his dong and he says, “Mrs. Roberts? I suppose now I should call you “Mum.” Pleasantry?” That is all improvised, and amazing – a great trailer moment and a nice break from the practiced lines of many blockbuster trailers.



Many people will know Martin Freeman’s improv talent from the British Golden Globe-winning series “The Office.” Also very much in line with “The Office” is the British talent of embarrassment, and this film seems to hit embarrassing humor right on the button. The only thing I worry about in a film like this – improv in set out scenes – is the danger for dialogue. I know a lot of people who like "Curb Your Enthusiasm" – I hate it – but that show fails (barely) when Larry David and the characters around him cannot supply the best dialogue to keep the scenes funny. Hence the awkward silences, hence the sometimes too-angry situations that occur and hence feeling like shit every time I watch the show.

Confetti, however, will be different. If David Blaine can mesmerize millions by making an ass out of himself, then surely this movie will be quite entertaining.

Superman Returns - Trailer 2

What Trailer 1 promised, Trailer 2 hath delivered. Yeah yeah, Superman, newspapers, fighting evil - looks fine. What blew me away was Kevin Spacey and his Lex Luthor.

I haven't seen Kevin Spacey really act in a long time. Pay it Forward? K-Pax? Beyond the Sea? What is Kevin thinking? This is Keiser Soze, this is the kiler from Se7en, the detective slash socialite from L.A. Confidential. Kevin Spacey can be unbelievably charismatic and chameleon-like in his transformation into character, finally, after a dry spell to make most of us forget - he's back.

Lex Luthor steals the trailer, and my guess is he'll steal the movie too. Superman is by necessity bland, quiet, forever repressed in his stupid secret identity - but here, Lex Luthor is the opposite of that, the foil who ends up outshining his protagonist. I could just watch him shout into Lois Lane's face all day. Sure, the guy who plays superman looks fine, and the rest is fine, but Lex Luthor! Let me have your babies.

Two things.

1. That plane is a) a ridiculous combination of a 1930s era Boeing Constellation and a modern passenger jet, and b) flying in outer space.

2. Lex Luthor's plan seems to involve blowing up most of the US and making some new starburst shaped landmass. He has also already divided it up into states. If I were him, I would wait until the nefarious plan has worked before deciding where New Florida should go.

Check it out (apple.com)

Ask The Dust

Watch the abysmal trailer here.

I know what you're thinking: a pinch of Selma Hayek, a sprinkle of Colin Farrell, and a touch of the Academy Award winning writer of "Chinatown" and chemistry explosivo - wait, Hayek, Farrell and "Chinatown"? One of the greatest movies of all time and an Irish actor who actually said in a sex tape, as he was about to go down on a girl, "Ohhhh, this is my breakfast, lunch and dinner right here"????? Yeah, well, sometimes I forget that I live in Hell and people like Colin Farrell are running Hell and apparently eating there too.



The most positively arresting thing about the trailer is the scenery. It really does feel like a Depression Era story (looks a lot like "Chinatown," actually, but why no Roman Polanski? Why no Jack Nicholson?), but all the bigtime Hollywood actors seem so, so, so out of place and not up to the caliber of this type of story. Selma Hayek, who I thought was pretty stellar as Frida "Crazy Patterns" Kahlo, seems like something of a joke here. You can't have someone so beautiful play the over-looked, waitress girl who's down on her luck, even in a time when everyone hates Mexicans. Even Spiffae, a writer on this blog, still admits to hating Mexicans. A lot. But let's be honest - she's one of the best looking women in Hollywood. And Colin Farrell. Well, Colin Farrell is a fuckhead, but plenty of fuckheads are writers, so I can't really comment on him.



The trailer fizzles out to nothing. It starts with a joke - Colin Farrell as an intelligent writer and leads towards something maybe interesting actually happening. But there is no real explanation of the central conflict of the movie. If I were going to see it and needed $10 bucks from my mom, my only reason for seeing the movie would sound something like this, "I really want to see 'Ask The Dust.' There seems to be a sex scene in the ocean that could rival my wildest dreams. Of course, Mom, it could just fade out when you're about to see boobies, but hey, at least I got to have popcorn."
"What are boobies?" Mom asks.
"Nay nays, Mom."
"Oh, hooters."
"This," I reply, "is way awkward."

Just a quick note. We also would have accepted:
Frida "Unibrow" Kahlo
-AD

I'm Your Man

Just so you know, I love Leonard Cohen.

I love his early acoustic albums, I love when he started expanding his instrumentation, I love his (perhaps misguided) collaboration with Phil Spector, and I love the synth-heavy white-soul period he’s been in for the past decade. He is arguably the most important American singer-songwriter who ever lived. I would have preferred a film of a performance, or compilation of performances by the man himself, but a tribute will have to do.

And lets look at the powerhouse of a tribute they have put together to the man: Anthony, Nick Cave, Rufus Wainwright, Jarvis Cocker, Linda Thompson! This is an impressive line-up!

Then why, o why do they only feature fucking BONO in the damn trailer!? Surely the participants’ level of discourse concerning Mr. Cohen is higher than: “Here was a man, who inside of a pop song there was some big ideas…”

Shut up Bono. You should not be proud of your career.

Aside from that, this is really an odd, disjointed trailer. Lots of things are happening, and they don’t necessarily feel connected in any great way. You could probably lose the bit about the monastery and survive. But hey, it’s Leonard Cohen, and I am excited.

One more question: How come I don’t look this good in a trench coat.

HOOT

See Trailer for Hoot here.

This might go down as one of the worst trailers ever. Wait, can I say that? Oh, right, “Soundtrack featuring new music by Jimmy Buffett.” Yes, I can. Will Shriner, the guy who wrote and directed this, was also involved in writing “The Norm Show,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” and “Twin Peaks.” Just kidding, but he did write, “Living with Fran…” Wow, put this guy next to Victor Hugo and I can’t tell the difference.



Jimmy Buffett. Have you ever been to Margaritaville? It’s Buffett’s restaurant that plays “Margaritaville” about every five minutes and waitresses and southern hicks start singing that God-awful song. Last time I was there I heard a lady scream, “I would sell this here baby for one more Peeen-yah co-lad-a!!!” Luke Wilson must have been hammered when he took this role – or he simply realized that he really isn’t a good actor at all. “Eat more nachos and chili poppers, Luke, you’re turning into a fuckhead,” I say.

Even the humor in the trailer is weak and sophomoric, not that it’s a surprise given this film’s one-membered audience: Carl Hiassen, the writer of “Hoot.” Nice writing Carl – captivating.

“We’re the only ones who care…”
“We’re the only ones who KNOW!”

Honestly, I don’t mind the extinction of owls. When was the last time you went to the zoo to see owls? Has an owl ever saved your life? Loaned you a smoke? Eaten placenta?! No, owls suck. If they were saving “water cheetahs” then maybe I’d care. But no one, no one seems to care about the plight of the water cheetah. No one.

So, my final ruling: shitty trailer for a movie that even Carl Hiassen will walk out on. Peace brothers – go see Superman, at least that will have Kevin Spacey and some water cheetahs.

The Da Vinci Code

View trailer here.

Paul Bettany took his time off from sucking on the teat of Lars von Trier to star as Silas in The Da Vinci Code. He also took his time off from starring in realistic professional tennis movies for this movie. "But why?" we fucking ask. The time has come for both he and Jennifer Connolly to be in a movie with songs by The Kronos Quartet. The time has come; major erections are happening for this film; my kids are still locked in the basement.

The fact is that this trailer is pretty perfect for its genre (the genre that Dan Brown invented cause he’s a genius savant!). And a betting man (me, Matt Damon) would wager that when this theologically-unsound trailer shows before whatever movie it comes before (The Shaggy Dog, probably), it’s going to get the one-million-plus readers of the book going athump. Major boners, peeps, major raging boners. The music itself is stellar – Hans Zimmer, who scored Gladiator and many other enormous films agreed to do this one (along with 8 million other movies on his docket). There are a lot of people who will see anything that Tom Hanks is in, it doesn’t matter what – even if it’s "Love Boat," Dragnet or Splash, people will fork over ten bucks. I, however, will be “Netflixing” this shit out of this movie; Dan Brown has made too much money. I think I'll wait it out. I already gave money to Crash, and I feel like I should be crucified for it.



Another feature that sets this trailer into the top tier is the “Whaaaaaa wa wee wah?!” factor. That’s when a trailer has many, multiple moments where secrets are revealed leading the audience to feel smarter about themselves and get major boners, major, major boners. While I didn’t get a “major boner” from the trailer, I did get excited and spit my cherry cola all over my computer keyboard. For example, when Hanks rather moronically says, “Da Vinci” it made me laugh out loud. As it did when I read the literary miscarriage that Brown wrote. Other moments include when the image slides into the "Last Supper" and when Ian McClellan flings away his crutches. It’s may seem weird, but I now have a rather major boner.

Also, for you fans of the overrated television show known as “24,” check this out: "24" creator Joel Surnow thought that "The DaVinci Code" would provide a great storyline for the show's third season. Surnow asked his boss, producer Brian Grazer, about acquiring the film rights to the book. "Writer" Dan Brown had no intention of his book being adapted for a TV show, and rejected their retarded bid. God “24” sucks and I am addicted to it. Boner, big-time bones-ville.

Aquamarine

Pauline Kael once stated, “In the arts, the critic is the only independent source of information. The rest is advertising.” That is why it’s so hard for me to write honestly about this soon-to-be classic piece of art without selling the nuts out of it. Trust me, it’s easy to sell, sell, sizz-ell – just watch the trailer. Aquamarine, originally titled, Le Vive de 30-year-old mermaid girl pretending to be 18, a remake of a Godard film indeed. It’s going to change your life. The trailer is no lie; it’s the real deal.

My interests in the film are as follows: #1: The Faustian battle with Claire and Halley for super-hunk lifeguard Raymond, the beach bum with the world’s nicest bum! Yes! #2: An essential question: What does it mean to be a woman? Wo-man. A wo-man of the water? Wa-ter? #3: Another less-essential question: What is humor? “Did you order,” the heroine says to the evil nemesis, “a sand-WITCH!” Groucho Marx would be laughing his hairy ass off. Plus, there are many fish jokes – “What a barnacle!” “Something about that girl is fishy.” Of course, if this were real life, the girls would be calling her a “cunt rag” and a “manifestation of a backward orgasm, a.k.a. murder.” They’d wish her the worst – having to take a three day long shower with Live's "This is why Dolphins cry..." playing at maximum volume. But no, this is wetter phantasmagoria.

The main question one must ask of a piece of art – is it based in reality? (Actually, no, that’s not the question I asked immediately – I asked, “Why oh holy God?”) Anyway, reality? Yes. A mermaid washes up on a Floridian resort town, befriends Eric Robert’s daughter and has a mesmerizing dilemma. She has to fall in love in three days, or else she has to return to the ocean where undoubtedly she’ll be raped by a sea horse in a sick ocean vaudeville act.



But alas, Raymond, the “perfect guy” comes along. Love? Love and brains. I can’t wait to see how he holds up conversation – I see Woody Allen and Vin Diesel talking about “futility.” One issue: how is it that someone who lives in the ocean and has swam around the world hundreds of times, and whose father has created tsunamis, doesn’t know the first thing about boys? Oh well, nobody yelled at God when he created Muslims, right? Right.

As always, I’m being really sarcastic. I will end with another last Pauline Kael quote, “If I eat another terrier, I’m gonna throw up. Seriously, Pauline Kael wants some daschund.”

Goal: Installment 1

Casting Call Newcastle: We're looking for guys who look NOTHING LIKE SOCCER PLAYERS. Interested?

View trailer here.

What’s insane about this movie besides the vapid trailer that totally gives away almost every decent scene in the film is the idea that it will be successful – they’ve already began filming Goal! 2 and Goal! 3. WTF?! If the story follows a realistic tale of a Mexican footballer, Santiago Munez’s will next become a Telemundo sportscaster, and in Goal 3 he will descend into horrific squalor and poverty with gambling debts. Then he’ll open a falafel stand outside of Newcastle United’s stadium. Bratty little kids will walk by and taunt him, saying racist shit and soon he will become a featured guest on “The Mind of Mencia.” What? I’m just being a realist.

It’s hilarious too that he’s so poor that he can only afford cardboard shin guards, but he’s wearing $100 dollar Adidas shoes. Nice move, props guy – I know it’s weird to be working on this bullshit movie, but at least give the guy clogs or uggs. Also, how many great Mexican players “make it” in the Premiership? Hardly any, why? Because they’re huge diving fairies and they can’t take the tough, hard-man type of game the English play. But okay, for Santiago, I’ll suspend my disbelief. The movie has all the stops of a clichéd, come-from-nothing-turn-into-Newcastle-superstar-mexican-kid-who-I-don’t-particularly-like-or-believe-in-have-you-seen-my-socks film. Ya know? Also, the word “own” is missing from the title of this film. Snap! Mert 1, Santiago nil, bitches.


A picture from a real soccer movie, Shaolin Soccer.

Trust The Man

I’m stoked. I understand the way I review things on this site probably gives off an image of me as a racist, animal lover, hater of autistic peeps, a pedophile, etc. I apologize; but I know that I dig the trailer for Trust the Man. And yes, I’m a raging pedophile.

You gotta love movies about upper-middle-class white guys fighting to maintain their lives and dignity with romantic troubles; after all, who has it harder than 30-something wealthy Manhattanites? All joking aside, the trailer is absolutely stellar for what it is – a romantic New York drama/comedy. The instrumental Spoon song “The Way We Get By” in the beginning is wonderful and uplifting. The second half, however, loses me somewhat with the Five For Fighting song, but in a trailer like this, one would probably die from shock if there weren’t a Five For Fighting, Semisonic or Boyzone song. Every time I hear any of their songs, I think of a pimpled college freshman viciously masturbating while watching Wild Things in a dorm room for some reason.

There are two moments that are especially drawing for me in mass-appeal comedy. Sure, there are many funny moments: Crudup dancing like an asshole (or a white guy, either way works); the whole early dinner table awkwardness with Eva Mendes (who I hate); and the bestiality thing in the beginning. Moment one – “Talk dirty to me…” “You have a – uh – husband.” Hilarious. I lost a chunk of hair laughing so hard at this very real issue that most couples run into (happily, but comically) – awkward sexual experimentation. It gets silly, it does, and if you handle it with comedy it makes the whole “Stuffed Animal, Knife, and Cake trick” a lot easier to attempt.

Moment two – Billy Crudup screams in a theater lobby to his writer girlfriend, “Elaine!!!” and then says, “Did you like the play?” as everyone stares at this apparent madman. If this were a true New York moment everyone would just keep on moving, no big deal. But it is deeply sad as you watch one man’s desperation and at the same time hilarious because the guy who played Prefontaine is trying to get back the sexual-games-dominatrix from The Secretary. God, I do enjoy this trailer.

In other news, Susan Sarandon, in a real twist in her career, has decided to play Cindy Sheehan in an upcoming film. When that trailer comes out, you can be sure I will piss all over it on this wonderful site.

Phat Girlz

Trailer can be located here.

SPOILER – WARNING: This movie is going to be fucking dumb.

I’ve been waiting. Eagerly going to imdb.com almost daily to find out when this movie, nay film, will open in the U.S. Just say it out loud, the title alone inspires honey-scented breath: Phat Girlz. Phat Girlz. Well, my loyal Mo’Nique fans the day where we will all surely be seen eagerly waiting around the 42nd Street theaters is April 7th.

What else makes this a perfect movie? Eric Roberts. Yeah, that’s right, the Biloxi-native took time out of his busy schedule of Indie Pop music videos to star in this sure to be epic, timeless, blah, blah, blah film. Okay, honestly, I think it’s funny that the whole argument of this film seems to be that women are special and deserving despite appearance and that size truly doesn’t matter. Yet all the dudes she’s attracted to, and the main love interest of this movie, are steroid-addicted, gym junkies.

Why not be honest about it and play in the plus-size league that your “talent” places you in? Put Orca-woman with a realistic guy like say Dr. Phil or Horatio Sanz’s dad? I don’t even find the jokes in the trailer funny – it’s like a worse Bridget Jones, or a better Pride and Prejudice. I laughed once while watching it, but it was because I was thinking about something that happened last night – hilarious. “You’re so ugly, your mamma got morning sickness after you was born.” Please oh holy God don’t ever use that. If you do, you deserve to have a stapler shoved in your butt.

If you’re fat – try getting your stomach stapled. Or here’s a novel thought, try running or walking, and not to Pretzel Time and Sbarro. Sure, Hollywood is ridiculous – but celebrity stars, to me, are meant to be superhuman and creepily "in shape." I don’t want to watch a lady who eats all the thin mints at her desk and then goes into the women’s restroom for three hours to take a catastrophic dump – I want to watch ridiculously good-looking people do crazy shit.

“Jasmine Biltmore refuses to stuff her super-sized dreams into a minus-sized world.” If there were an honest voiceover for this movie, it would be something like this: “This fat chick wants to change her life, but instead of working out and trying to help herself, she’s gonna do the idiotic thing and think that someone else, this weird jacked African guy, will solve all her problems with his massive-anaconda cock and vague history. We’ll all probably learn something we already knew.”

The only thing that could redeem this trailer for me is if they showed Eric Roberts in his best role ever, Best of the Best, kicking the crap out of an evil Korean. He had a dislocated shoulder and won for the U.S. Team, that’s amazing stuff, people. Amazing stuff.

Illusion

This is a painful trailer. There are many terrible things about the film that I will go into later, but a main one must be addressed. Poor, poor Kirk Douglas. Knowing a stroke victim is difficult, watching them waste away into death is even worse. Someone should have had the balls to tell Mr. Douglas, “You shouldn’t do this. You are one of the elder statesmen of film; You are Spartacus! Let your fans remember you as that.” I am all for the elderly being in the public view, but jesus, listening to him say “I wanted to see my son, before I died”, is just so sad.

But lets move on.

Fuck you Michael Goorjian. When a first time director plays three roles is his film, we call it a “vanity piece”(or Diary of a Mad Black Woman). But when a first time director plays three roles, parades a stricken Kirk Douglas, and makes a bullshit film about life after death and second chances so trite that it makes What Dreams May Come look like high art, they should be ashamed.

Plus, your production company logo looks like it belongs to a beach resort. And no one here likes you.